11:12 pm - Tues 6.26.2012
In Bizarro World.

So the big trip is almost upon me...

It's only in the past day or two that I've thought of it in garden-variety "vacation" terms - "It'll be nice to get out of town, have a break from Weight Watchers, put acting concerns on the back burner, etc" - because it's so fraught with "meaning" that all my mental energy has been devoted to trying to "manage" it.

Though really, a lot of my anxiety - and there's always anxiety - has been more...pedestrian than I would have imagined, worrying about getting to the airport on time, worrying about managing my food/weight while away from my home base, worrying about being bored/being boring while I'm there, etc.

Things I've worried about every time I've gone on the occasional "vacation" over the past 11 years.

I think in a previous entry I suggested it might be a "protective" thing - worrying about this stuff is "easier" than confronting my real concerns - but now I'm not so sure that's it.

I think the truth is that this experience is so novel, I really can't quite figure out what to worry about.

Cause I don't know what to expect, or even know exactly what I want to have happen.

Though one thing emerged recently, when Tony told me that Mom (Still a little weird writing that) "...is getting excited about your visit"; that relieved a lot of my "free-floating anxiety", making me realize a big fear about meeting my Mother was that I might end up being "rejected"...again.

As I was saying...

I realized recently that the big "anxiety" I've harbored around the trip to West Virginia was the fear that I would get hurt.

Specifically that I would feel rejected by my Mother's reaction to me.

I was thinking about this earlier, and something struck me - I've thought in terms of my mother having "rejected" me by, first, giving me up, then when I eventually contacted her as an adult, by not wanting to have continued contact with me (She wanted to leave things at our single exchange of letters, since her partner at that time didn't know about my existence).

But my mother didn't "reject" me as a child - My feeling rejected was a child's attempt to make sense of his world, to understand why he didn't have parents, why he didn't have a family the way other people had families.

As an adult, I understand now that, sometimes, bad things just happen to children, and it's really never their fault.

And sometimes parents want to take care of you, but they can't; because of the circumstances they're in, and maybe because they weren't "parented" themselves.

And as for her "rejecting" me when I tried to establish contact?

She wasn't rejecting me - how could she be? She didn't know me - but was rejecting dealing with the past.

And that's a desire I can understand.

Fri 6/29/12 (9:40 pm)

Well, I'm just about done preparing for Monday's trip, other than doing laundry and packing, maybe buying some WW snacks for the plane.

After some mental back-and-forth, I decided to take a shuttle van to LAX - It's only $20, which seems reasonable - and when I get back, my friend Pat has offered to pick me up (He was up for taking me to the airport, but he has a work commitment mid-morning that would make it kind of challenging).

So there's nothing left but the waiting...

It's been a strange time. I feel like I'm in "Bizarro World", where I don't want auditions, and because I've "booked out" for next week, I know I'm not going to have any auditions.

So I don't have the thing going on that's usually my driving interest, but instead, have something going on in my personal life that's more interesting than any audition or guest-star role.

It's weird.

Have spent the evening watching tv. Feeling bored and lonely and...I wanted to say "aimless", but that's not quite right.

Anyway, feeling a general sense of dis-ease. Not sure why.

Still thinking about the trip, cause what else is there to think about?

(Well, actually I have a few other things I'm thinking about - My continued failure to get my weight back under control, and my return to Shameless come to mind - but "The Big Trip" is, I think understandably, front-and-center.)

There was a little bit of a misunderstanding /schedule confusion, when Tony left a message that Mom wanted to come over on Monday night to meet me (Ahead of the small family gathering that's been planned on the 4th).

That seemed odd, since I'm not arriving at the airport till 8:05 that evening, and it's an hour, hour-and-a-half from Dulles to Tony's place.

Turns out, Tony had gotten confused and thought I was coming on tomorrow - So we got that straightened out, and Mom is going to come over to meet me on Tuesday (As eager/anxious as I am for this meeting to happen, I don't think I'd want it happening at the end of what promises to be a long day. I have a feeling I'll want to be in possession of all my faculties for this historic occasion).

So, there's Weight Watchers tomorrow, then that's pretty much it - I basically just have to do laundry and pack.

I did end up giving myself one more little chore to do when I forgot my mp3 player at work today (which I think I'll want for the plane, if not for while in in WV); so I'm gong to drive to Weight Watchers tomorrow, so I can can swing by the Beverly location afterward to pick it up, and maybe stop at Target while I'm in the neighborhood.

(It's been crazy hot in WV, and I think I might be a little short on appropriate vacation-wear for "crazy hotness".)

I think I'm at the place where, if I forget something for the trip, it's not going to be a major something - I'm pretty sure I've attended to the things that needed attending to (Getting fills for my WW meetings, booking out with my representation, paying my rent ahead of time, etc).

At this point, there's not really anything between me and the trip but a day-and-a-half.

All anxiety about everything-I-can-think-to-be-anxious-about aside, this really should be a nice week - I'm going to do something I never imagined doing, and meet people who are excited about meeting me just because I'm me.

And really, I don't have to do anything but be myself...

11:50 p.m. - FRI 4/20/01
Work is cool, and acting fails to satisfy? What IS this, the Bizarro World?
Major troubles on Diaryland yesterday...

I spent a big chunk of time yesterday working on an entry, lost it because of Diaryland tech problems, tried to redo it later in the evening...and lost it AGAIN ( This leaves me feeling, for one of the first times ever, like writing an entry is going to be a CHORE; I've already hashed over this stuff twice now, but since nothing has made it to print, I'm going to have to do it yet AGAIN. My loyal readers--the two or three who are out there--deserve that much ).

Obviously, I need to do my entries offline first, then paste them to the site. I don't really want to do that for some reason; I'm really lazy, for one thing, and one or two little extra steps is more extra steps than my lazy ass wants to do

But also, part of the "online"-ness of the journal is WRITING it online, not just running in and "tacking it up on the bulletin board", so to speak. It might sound silly, but it just feels DIFFERENT to me ( But I'll take that over spending two hours writing an entry, only to have it disappear into the ether when you're done ).

ANYWAY...

I think when we last left off, I was having a BAD Tuesday; I'd gotten lost on my "dry run" to where "Camelot" auditions were being held, then I found out the gig only "paid" a $150 stipend

( For about two months of a commitment ).

I thought about not auditioning, but decided to go anyway. I got to the audition fine--It was being held at the Downey Street Baptist Church ( I THINK it was Baptist, anyway...)--but when I pulled into the parking lot and got out of my car, I received ANOTHER little blow; The auditions were for the Downey Civic Light Lyric Opera.

My take on "civic" is that it means "community theater". And it might be a GREAT theater--Who knows?-- but at the moment, I just found myself thinking, "FUCK! I didn't come cross-country just to do community theater in a warmer climate!" ( That's what I was thinking right THEN; Now, I could envision myself doing community theater here, if nothing was happening professionally and I just wanted to "keep my hand in" ).

Anyway, I got there around 7:45. I had an appointment at 8:00, but they were running late, so I wasn't actually seen until shortly after 8:30.

I sang "Camelot", which seems like a stupid choice to me now, but there was some sort of rationale for it initially ( I think one rationale was that it was an easy song I knew I could do ).. Things got off to a bad start--there was a miscommunication with the accompanist and we had to start over--but I think I did ok, considering that my "practice" had consisted mostly of singing it a cappela in the shower ( I'm still impressed that when I DID plunk out some accompanying chords on the guitar--not in the shower at that point-- I was pretty much right on ).

So they sent me back out ( I can't even tell you how many people were watching me. Marcia ( The director ) and maybe three others, not counting the accompanist.

They sent me out with a "Merlin"/"Arthur" scene to read over ( I didn't know it, but both roles had been cast at that point. I just knew I wasn't really right for either of them ), and after a few minutes, I was brought back in to read the scene, with me reading "Merlin" and the director reading "Arthur" ( I found that a little ODD; There were a number of other people there, so why was the DIRECTOR reading the scene with me? ).

My take on it? I thought I did pretty well ( I think my acting outstripped my singing I "sold the scene", where I don't really feel like I "sold the song" ). "Merlin" was angry, aggrieved, petulant, self-pitying ( Hey, that sounds like ME! )...and genuinely cared about "Arthur".

The director kind of annoyed me. She was one of those "theater types" that flitter-flutter around, acting as if they're your best friend after knowing you for a minute and a half, coming off as more than a little silly and pretentious.

She came out a couple minutes after I'd read the scene. She said she really liked my " look"--I was kind of COUNTING on that, though later I was a little bummed that that's ALL she had to say about me--and while she was considering me for one of the knights ( "Sir Sagramore" or "Sir Lionel" ), would I accept a role in the ensemble?

When I displayed obvious discomfort at the idea of taking a chorus part, she starting selling me on what a great show it was going to be, how good the guy playing "Arthur" was, how nice the theater is, all that sort of thing. But you know what? None of that mattered at all to me; I just found myself thinking, "What agent or casting director is going to CARE that I was in the chorus of the Downey Civic Light Lyric Opera production of 'Camelot'?".

Then she started talking callbacks on Saturday, and I had to tell her that I couldn't make. I had to work that day.

She continued to act like we were best friends, but I got the clear sense that if I couldn't make callbacks, playing one of the knights was "off the table". But she gave me her number, told me to call her Sunday, and we'd see what's what ( For my part, I told her I was interested in playing one of the knights, but much LESS interested in the chorus ).

So from the time I first saw the notice in "Backstage West" to that moment, I'd gone from fantasies of playing "Merlin" or "Pellinore" in a paying production of "Camelot", to playing a role in the chorus of a community theater show for gas money.

I WASN'T happy...

And then, adding insult to injury, I got lost on the way home.

During the waiting around part of things, I had asked another actor if there was an easy way to get back to LA from where we were. He said, "Sure. Take the 710 to the 5 into LA", then he got summoned away to do his thing before I could get any clarification.

I had a vague sense there was SOMETHING missing in those directions, but it wasn't till I saw the sign for the 710 that I realized what it was--Which WAY was I supposed to go?

I flipped a mental coin...and of course, went in the wrong direction; I drove for awhile, then started to realize that I was lost--things grew less familiar, and when I saw an exit to Compton (!) I knew I was definitely not where I wanted to be!

Now considering my age--39--I'm not that experienced of a driver ( I didn't learn how to drive till I was 27, and for many of the years following, didn't have a car anyway ). And for the past number of years in Lansing, I did very little freeway driving.

I tell you that to explain why it is that I really PANICKED when I realized I was lost.

When I think about it now, it doesn't seem like that big a deal; If you discover you're going the wrong way on the freeway, you take the next major exit ( Unless it's an exit into Compton! ), and just turn around. When I think about it now, once I realized I was going the wrong way I wasn't really LOST anymore, but that night, it was all I could do not to burst into tears, partly from fear, and partly just from the way the whole day had gone for me.

I called Chris, but he wasn't home, so I called Cary, and Cary ended up talking me back into LA.

( Have I mentioned before that Cary's really been my hero out here?)

Talking with Cary on the way back into LA, he helped me solidify that I really DIDN'T want to be involved in this production of "Camelot". If I had a full time job now, it might be one thing--. I'd be doing something, meeting people, maybe making a useful contact or two--but while I'm working a little over twenty hours a week, it seems foolish to take an essentially non-paying gig that would prevent me taking on extra work, a paying gig, or even the odd extra evening shift at Borders.

So there it is.

Chris never returned my call that night. In fact, he hasn't called me since; He might be away, but being the paranoid guy I am, I find myself thinking, "I've worn him out already. He's thinking, 'Oh my God, why did I ever try to convince this needy bastard to come out here? What a pain in the ASS!'".

I've felt a lot of disappointment that Chris and I obviously aren't going to be "buds" out here (And I think when I realized that was when I got most panicky of all-- "I came out here on the strength of this guy being here, and now he doesn't have time to DO anything with me..."). I thought he'd be really excited to have me out here, and anxious to show me the ropes, but he's not. He's a busy guy, scrambling to keep his own thing afloat. He doesn't have the time or inclination to deal with my sorry ass.

And realizing that, it makes me feel uncomfortable with asking anything more of him, Without any real friendship there, my NEED just makes me a burdensome sponge. I don't like feeling that way, so I think that's a good incentive to get myself as independent as possible, as soon as possible.

*****************************************************

My third day on the job today...

Today was the first day I was officially on the schedule. I spent most of the day at the Info Desk, answering the phone and helping customers ( I also had some time in "Recovery", which is not what it sounds like; Basically, it just means straightening a section that's in disrepair ).

I didn't really "enjoy" my first day, which was on Easter; All I did was shelve the whole time, which has never been my strong suit ( Though John O., one of the managers, came up at the end of the day and seemed very happy ).. But the next two days I worked--Wednesday and today--were pretty fun.

Most of Wednesday was training with Robert, one of the supervisors. He's a pretty cool guy, and most of our time was involved in a detailed tour of the store, doing a little paperwork, then being on the info counter with him till my shift ended at 8. It had the virtue both of being pretty easy--I didn't really feel like I was "working" most of the day---AND getting me a favorable review from Padric, the General Manager ( Robert told me, during our time at the info counter, "Padric is REALLY pleased with you". And at the end of my time, Padric said it to me himself, and then Robert said something like, "Customers really like you", which I thought was pretty cool of him to pick up on so quickly ).

I think all I have to do is to be upbeat, to always be doing SOMETHING, and things are going to go well for me ( And if that actually works at Borders, maybe then I'll try it in real life! )

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