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3:55 PM - SAT 6.19.21

Minding My Own Busyness

(It just struck me - barring Alzheimer's or some other affliction making it impossible, I expect to be journaling for the rest of my life, something I'm not sure I can say about anything else I do. But anyway...)

All things being equal, I guess I've been pretty "busy" these days, even if all the "busyness" hasn't been sought-after, "fun" and/or "productive" busyness.

So far in June, I've had four Cameos (And a "Memmo"), four voiceover auditions, three self-tapes (Two theatrical and one commercial), and one "live" straight-to-callback commercial audition.

As you might imagine, I was particularly excited about the "live" audition - If you've followed me for longer than a minute, you know I've gone from hating self-tape auditions (and essentially refusing to learn how to do them) to finally bowing to reality, but being monumentally frustrated I can't seem to "seal the deal" (i.e. I haven't booked anything off them).

Sadly, this first "live" audition in God-knows-how-long didn't go well - I read once, the director gave me a redirect, I did it, then I was thanked for my time and dismissed (I knew the first read had gone badly when the director - This was a straight-to-callback deal, so the decision-makers were in the room - told me I'd sounded like a "character", his way of saying "fake". But my more "natural" follow-up read didn't do much for him either).

So, as first times back go, it was disappointing.

But that said, it was still good to have gotten out, to have "done what actors do", and to leave feeling like, "Okay, that sucked. But I'll be back and the next one will go better...".

The busyness I'm somewhat less enthused about has been "medical" in nature - In the past couple weeks, I've been to my regular Doctor twice, had an ultrasound on my leg, been to, I think, my first-ever orthopedist (Hurt my left shoulder a month or two ago, and, to make things more fun, am also having a recurrence of "tennis elbow" on the same side), and had my second consultation with a psychiatrist (Actually, a nurse-practitioner) about starting on psych meds.

(I did a low dose of Lexapro for a couple weeks. But it can affect the sex drive - And sure enough, after feeling a lot more sexually "perky" after starting on testosterone a couple months ago, my sex-drive again nose-dived with the Lexapro - so now I'm giving Wellbutrin a go.)

There's nothing super-serious going on here, but nevertheless, when I was at my regular doctor's office, then with Dr. S (the orthopedic guy), both times I got so depressed I felt like crying (And with the X-rays and the exam by Dr S, the shoulder that wasn't hurting that much when I went in was singing a very different tune on the way out).

Guess it's just that whiff of mortality that's upsetting, the general sense of things starting to unravel ("Starting, Jim?") - I've got enough hobbies, I don't feel like adding "Going to the Doctor" to the list.


The happiest "busyness" has been hanging out with Jane R. - Whether she's over here for "movie night" or I'm hanging out over there, or we're going out for dinner or what-have-you, it's great fun.

And at this point, we've known each other long enough that we can just "hang out" and enjoy each other's company - I tend to feel an internal "pressure to perform" anytime I'm with other people.

But not with Jane.

But she's headed back to Santa Fe soon. And at this point, she doesn't know for how long, so I'm going to be back to "playing with myself" very soon.

And that's a "busyness" I continue to struggle with - On my own, it's a constant struggle to rouse myself to do anything (Today, I did a Cameo...and this. Beyond that, I tried to nap for a while in the afternoon, and watched a lot of TV/YouTube).

(But to be fair, I started the podcast thing during the pandemic, got on TikTok, and perhaps most importantly, revved up the drawing - A lifelong underdeveloped talent - more than ever before. So it isn't like I'm not trying to "step up my game" in terms of active hobbies and shit.)

Anyway, at this point it's gotten late. And, speaking of Jane, I want to text her and see if she's up for a spot of conversation before it gets much later (She tends to go to bed earlier than I do).

Till next time...



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