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11:34 AM - Thurs 5.18.17
It could still happen...but probably won't.

Could Still Happen...But Probably Won't

A lot to write about today...

On the national front, am very pleased that an Independent Counsel (former FBI Director Robert Mueller) has been appointed to investigate the Trump/Russia business - Didn't think that was going to happen, what with Republicans and/or Trump appointees in charge of everything...but here we are (I suspect Deputy AG Rosenstein felt a powerful desire to salvage his good reputation, after letting himself be used as a fig-leaf for the Comey firing).

I've spent much of the past couple hours watching news clips from CNN, reading articles (on Slate and Huffpo and such), and reading people's comments and following their links to news articles and commentary on Facebook.

While we can't know where this is gonna go - though I do think this is "beginning of the end" stuff, and that, one way or another, Trump is going down - I dislike him so much that today I'm just happy knowing this is making that POS very unhappy.

(Oh, and in other happy news, Roger Ailes died. Another POS who, if anything, has had a worse effect on America than Donald Trump, who he totally made possible.)


My birthday was Monday.

That thing where I invited four friends to lunch, in a proactive effort to not spend the day feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with?

Well...I don't know whether to say "it was a very qualified success" or "it was kind of a bust", so I'll just say what happened and let you decide.

I think I acknowledged in a previous entry that, since four out of five of us were actors, there was a possibility of losing someone to an audition (Or else I'd get an audition and the whole thing wouldn't happen).

But when we were into the weekend, and I hadn't gotten an audition, and I hadn't heard about anyone else getting an audition, I thought I was in the clear.

Then Josh texted - He had a commercial audition conflict (Editor's Note: Not true that I hadn't heard from anyone as we went into the weekend - Josh actually texted me on Friday, not Sunday as was originally reported. Not sure why I forgot that, but Josh rightfully corrected me - he didn't just sit on news of his audition, then break it to me the night before, because why would he do that?).

Then Monday morning, I heard from Tim - He also had an audition (I assume a same-day thing, because Tim's a very thoughtful guy, and same-day auditions do happen, much to my annoyance).

Then, within about a half-hour of Tim's message, Cary called - His boss dropped a major project on him that had to be completed the next day, so he couldn't come.

At that point, the "feeling sad and sorry for myself because I didn't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with" thing I'd been working to avoid hit me full-force - It had been building, so by the time Cary was apologetically expressing his regrets, I, feeling very silly & childish all the while, was fighting back tears.

Afterward I joked bitterly on Facebook that I was expecting Mike M., the lone survivor at that point, to call and cancel at any moment.

And feeling petulant in my disappointment about the whole thing - "If I can't have it exactly the way I want it, then fuck it!" - I almost called him and cancelled.

But ultimately, I thought that would be really rude, and the textbook definition of "cutting off my nose to spite my face" - Yeah, it wasn't going to be "the gathering of friends" I'd hoped for, but it was still someone I like spending time with me on my birthday, and that wasn't nothing.

So we met around 1:30 at House of Pies (He was running late because of some kid issues), and had lunch and talked (Mostly about "The Biz") for maybe an hour-and-a-half.

It was fun.

I let myself order what I wanted (A BBQ Beef sandwich w/fries), instead of what I thought I should have (A grilled-chicken something with a salad), and of course, there was pie - cherry pie "a la mode", to be specific (I like cake, mind you...but I love pie).

Mike treated me, and gave me a "Cars"-themed birthday card, picked out by his toddler son, which was cute.

So I don't know - It felt like I didn't get what I wanted...but I got more than I typically get. And I didn't wait for that to spontaneously happen, but arranged it for myself.

And while I was disappointed that my other friends couldn't do it - and WTF are the odds that you invite four friends to do a thing, they all agree, then three of them can't do it? - I appreciate that no one has to do anything for me, so for Mike to make special arrangements to make this happen (He had to get a sitter, and deal with his toddler's fit as he left) felt very meaningful.

But this is the second time I've tried to do this (make a birthday "thing" happen) and (largely) failed, so I don't know if there'll be a third - It's emotionally taxing for me to ask (It feels sad and needy and embarrassing), and it's painful for it to then (largely) not pan out.

To me, it lends more ammo to the thought I've had regarding every major holiday - instead of feeling sorry that I don't really have anyone to spend the holiday with, waiting for invitations that don't happen (Or getting invites that just feel awkward), I should just make plans to do something "special" on the day and attend to myself best I can.

But speaking of "birthday stuff" Mark and Jane's "gift parcel" Saturday night.

For years, Jane has sent me a gift box of various goodies on Xmas and my birthday - home-made treats, books, various little fun little gifties (including something for the cat), and a Target gift certificate.

I always look forward to it, and beyond whatever pleasure I get in the gifts themselves, just the act of love involved does a lot to blunt my holiday self-pity. I haven't done anything to deserve it, but she cares about me, and that makes me feel good.

(So thanks Jane. And btw, Hamlet really likes his new catnip mouse - He's been playing with it a lot over the past couple days.)

I also got a card from my friend Carrie, a Starbucks card from a WW member (And a free birthday drink/food item from Starbucks on my app), a gazillion "Happy Birthdays" on Facebook, and my Zumba class in the evening sang "Happy Birthday" to me (And Thea had me do a routine up-front with her - I screwed up and picked a newer routine I didn't know as well as some others, but it was still fun).

And the festivities kinda/sorta bled into the next day, with "Happy Belated" FB posts from people and whatnot.

So all-in-all, as birthdays go, #56 (!) was okay I guess.

But I'm still glad it's over.


Fri (12:25 am)

Don't know why exactly - I haven't done anything for the past couple years - but at some point leading up to the day, I starting thinking I should "do something" for my mother on Mothers Day (Even if "doing something" just consisted of calling her).

It was weird, after I met my mother, to start observing Mothers Day - It felt compulsory, somehow ("Well, you've technically got a mother now, so you should participate in this")...but why do something for someone I didn't know, whose "mothering" consisted of caring for me really poorly for a year, then giving me up altogether?

And when I never heard back from her after the last letter I sent (Where I "wished" she'd let her sons know they had brothers out there, and said I thought she should tell Chuck who his father was), I was content to just let the communication lapse.

I procrastinated on sending a card or something (After screwing around too long to send to get something in the mail, I almost did 1-800-Flowers, which I've done before. But I was even too late with that, and it wouldn't have been delivered on time).

So I thought I'd just call her - But even that felt fraught with peril, because I wasn't 100% sure she'd remember me (Last time I talked to Tony - Maybe sometime last year...? - he said she was starting to "slip" mentally), and if she did, I wasn't sure she'd be happy to hear from me (Going back to the light chastisement I'd given her in my last letter).

But when I got home from WW, I finally did call her, and it was fine - She remembered me, or at least faked it really well, and seemed happy to talk (I wondered afterward whether she was happy to be talking to me, or just happy to be talking to anyone who seemed interested. Then I realized it didn't much matter, one way or the other).

I did broach my fear about calling her, at least the part where I thought she might be mad at me, and that was interesting - In one breath, she claimed she wasn't mad at me, but then (and I thought this was interesting phrasing) said "I was just waiting for you to get over Chuck".

To my way of thinking, if you stop communicating with me because of something I said, that feels a lot like you're mad, but whatever - I was just intrigued that she was waiting for me to "get over" Chuck, like he was a virus or something (Speaking of Chuck, I've been thinking about calling him, just to "touch base").

I told her I was gonna call her more regularly moving forward. I'm not sure why - I don't think it was a statement made guiltily or apologetically (I don't owe her anything), and I don't see much percentage in it personally (She's not terribly forthcoming about the past, not a very interesting conversationalist, and there is no estate to inherit anything from) - but Jane theorized that it might be just because I'm a nice person (She said it, I didn't).

Anyway, we'll see what comes of that.

(11:40 am)

Called Chuck a short time ago - A lot of problems with the phone, brief snatches of conversation (For some reason, he's gone cold turkey off his meds, and "things are all fucked up"), then we lose the connection, I call back, and get his voicemail.

Which is pretty much how all our conversations have gone since I've known him.


Had a callback for my last commercial audition on Tuesday.

I'd felt good enough about the initial audition that I expected to get the callback, and the callback went so well I had - as I told Mark and Jane - the best feeling I ever get from a callback, which is "I wouldn't be surprised if I booked this".

The callback was around Noon, and I was put on avail for the spot by early evening.

And I was happy about that avail maybe through early afternoon on Weds, before it started feeling like yet another casting cock-tease.

Theoretically, it could still be in play, but no word two full days after the callback strongly suggests that I didn't get it.

And I'm bummed, because it's a fun spot that would have shown me off to good effect (There was a little singing involved, and at the callback, the Director threw me a half-dozen individual lines to say, seemingly taken with my deadpan delivery). It's not the acting I'd dreamed of doing when I came out here...but it's something.

And of course, there's the little issue of money - The only acting gig I've booked so far this year netted me a whopping $175, WW doesn't, and will never, cover the monthly nut (So my bank account is just draining by the day), and I still haven't heard shit about Shameless, so the idea that I was this close to booking a commercial that would inject some extra cash into Hoffmaster Inc., only to have it be another instance where I just can't quite make it into the winner's circle...?

Well let's just say "It's a bit of a disappointment", and leave it at that (Avails used to be exciting. Now they just break my heart).

And I think that's about it from here for now.


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