6:54 am - Sat 4/06/02
The Law of Entropy
I think I've painted myself as quite the little "trouper" when I've talked about "Crossing The Line" in here ("Crossing The Line" is the play I'm in, which opens on the 19th). But in the interest of historical accuracy, I have to admit that I haven't been much of a "trouper" of late.

Last Sunday, I was tired and despondent at rehearsal, feeling a little CRANKY, and knew as I was going through the show that nothing very amazing was happening (Since the beginning, we've fallen into the routine of my going on first, then JR--the other "Mr Bryant"--following afterwards). And sure enough, when Mark gave notes after the run, his big comment was that the run had had "no energy". He didn't really blame ME--I think he sees "the gang" in the show as being responsible for "pumping things up"--but I knew who was REALLY responsible, so I was embarrassed and unhappy with myself.

Then they ran through the show with JR, and after Mark gave notes for that run, I was up again.

At one point Mark stopped me. My line was "I'se don't have to tell you bout the goosebumps that ran down my back, so I won't", and Mark hadn't seen me RECALLING that "goosebump-y" moment.

I somewhat snappishly said that I FELT like I'd done it. Then, as if to demonstrate what I thought he MIGHT want, I did a little dance. Then I acted like I'd been "hit by the spirit" (Kind of appropriate, since I'm playing an old black man from the South). Then I finished up by flopping down on the stage and having a seizure.

I put on quite a show. My fellow cast members were very amused, But looking back at it now, I think it MIGHT not have been very "professional" of me.

Then later, when we got to a bit of business I've disagreed with from the get-go, and hadn't done in rehearsal up to that point, I argued against it very vehemently, and I wasn't very sensitive about it(I referred to the bit as "stupid", which it IS, but that's not the kind of thing one should say in front of the entire cast). Instead of stopping rehearsal to vent about a wrongheaded bit of business, I SHOULD have approached Mark afterwards with my concerns. Again, not exactly Jim at his most "professional".

Then this past Thursday, my "professionalism" slipped ANOTHER notch; I just didn't GO to rehearsal. Mr "I-don't-think-two-rehearsals-a-week-is-too-RIGOROUS-a-schedule" called in SICK.

I NEVER call in sick to rehearsals.

I'm not going to try and JUSTIFY it, and I'm not going to beat myself UP over it, because there IS no justification--I wasn't "sick", just really tired--and it's over now ANYWAY. I just thought it was important to go back and revisit these experiences, cause I was feeling guilty about presenting myself as "Saint Jim--The Patron Saint Of Theatrical Professionalism" here in Diaryland.

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Another thing I want to "re-visit" in here is a small thing, perhaps, but something I don't think I gave enough attention to originally.

I mentioned in here that I was one of four winners in the Schuler Books "Oscar pool" (I won $13.50). Not a life-changing amount of money, but a happy little event, that came at a time where I wasn't feeling particularly happy about MUCH.

But sometime after the fact, it occurred to me that I had just been crying about the recent cutback of hours at work; How if I paid all my bills at that point, I'd be pretty damned POOR between that time and the next paycheck.

Now $13.50 is not a LOT of money, granted, but I think the fact that I received it pretty much right at the point I was wondering how I was going to both eat AND pay my bills is TELLING.

I think I need to take more NOTICE of this sort of thing; I may not always get what I WANT, but I pretty much always get what I NEED.

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(Just got up and idly checked the rear tire on my bike. It's completely FLAT. I'm not HAPPY about that, to say the least!)

There's a pretty basic way the world WORKS that I need to get USED to.

I guess it would be "The Law of Entropy" I'm talking about; Things tend to move from a state of "order" to a state of "disorder".

Things fall apart. The center does not hold. All that kind of stuff.

I see my upset, my downright RESENTMENT over that law, in almost every aspect of my day-to-day life. From cleaning house or shelving books at the bookstore (Jobs that are never FINISHED), to the fact that my clothes are falling into disrepair and my bike has a flat tire (and maybe a bent rim--AGAIN), to the fact that my knees hurt, and that I'm even going to DIE someday.

I want to just DO a thing and have it be DONE, whatever it is. Since I feel oppressed by having my clothes or my bike or whatever fall into disrepair, I get depressed and resentful when it happens.

And I think I've expressed my issues with the whole "death" thing in previous entries.

But whether I choose to be depressed about it, or angry, or dance a little JIG, this is just the way things ARE.

Things fall apart. The center does not hold.

And it's part of our job description to "hold the center" until our shift is finished and it's time for the next crew to take their turn.

So it goes.

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