10:27 am - MON 4/08/02
Letter to Margaret
(This is a letter I just finished writing to Margaret Zick, a very wonderful woman who took me in during my senior year of high school. I don't know exactly WHY I'm putting it in Diaryland, since it's all stuff I've addressed in here before. But I thought the "filtering process" was kind of interesting. Anyway, I'll be doing a "real entry" later today.)

Dear Margaret,

It feels like I've started every letter I've ever written you with "Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you...".

But I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.

I am very glad to hear that you continue to be in good health and are still able to "gad about", because I know you really enjoy that.

Seventy-four people in the family now? Margaret, there are TOWNS with smaller populations! That's really amazing. You should be very proud.

I don't know where I left things when I last wrote you, so I hope you'll forgive me if I repeat myself a bit...

I moved to LA over a year ago now (My one-year "anniversary" was last month). It's been a struggle, physically and emotionally, and I still feel like I'm having to spend a lot of time wrestling with my more negative emotions--My tendency to see the dark cloud behind every silver lining is not exactly HELPING me out here--but the important thing is that I am still here, still alive and kicking, and not ready to give up just yet.

I'm still working at Borders, the job I got maybe a month-and-a-half after arriving here.

There are things I like about the job (I like most of the the people, and even though it's not nearly as nice a bookstore as where I used to work, I still like being around books), and things I don't like about the job (The store's almost always a real mess, because we can't keep up with the customer traffic, my schedule can change from week to week, and sometimes they want to stick me up in the cafe, which I don't like to do).

But my biggest issue with Borders right now is MONEY. I'm making $7.50 an hour (I was making $9.15 at Schulers), and paying $495 a month in rent (When I first got here, I was paying more for a smaller apartment; Back in Lansing, I paid $365 for my little one-bedroom). It's been a big source of stress for me, particularly when the car I came out here with started developing mystery problems that no one could seem to fix. I spent a bunch of money on it, money I didn't really have, and the problems never got fixed anyway. Now I don't have a car, and am struggling to figure out how to get another car, when I have no savings and am making little more than minimum wage (I've even considered getting a motorcycle, but the "risk factor" has held me back).

It's been tough (And "tough" got "tougher" recently when they announced cutbacks in hours due to slumping sales. I'm not sure how they expect me to live on a part-time, low-paying job out here, but I guess they figure that's my problem). It feels like in almost every aspect of my life out here money is an issue, and I've had a hard time not giving in to being stressed and depressed about it. I think a lot about the need to find another job, but am having a hard time figuring out what I could do that would pay better, that might make me feel better, that would have the flexibility I need to pursue an acting career out here. But I feel like if I start thinking more positively, and can get over my fear of change and trying new things, something will turn up.

In terms of acting stuff, I think I could be pushing things a little harder (Okay, a LOT harder), but some good things have happened.

Right now, I'm in an original one-act play called "Crossing The Line" that opens on the 19th of this month. It's at a theater not too far away from where I live, so I've been able to ride there on my bike (I also ride to work on my bike), and we've only had a two-day-a-week rehearsal schedule, so it hasn't been a big problem juggling it with work either. It would be nice if it PAID, but I've been telling myself at this point that it's important just to be doing something, both for my "career" and for my own mental health.

I also had a film audition last week, for an independent film called "The Devils Hand". Unlike the last experience I had with a film audition, where they were very rude to me, everyone at this audition was very nice, I had a good time, and felt like the audition itself went well. Even if I end up not getting the part (Three lines as a bartender), it was a positive experience.

But like I said, I need to be working a LOT harder if I really want something to happen with acting out here. It's been tough for me, for a lot of reasons--money issues, the car thing, problems sleeping, etc--but it's tough for everyone, for one reason or another, so I feel like I need to just get used to that, and plan on getting past that stuff, cause there will ALWAYS be problems of one kind or another. I've been telling myself that there's no circumstance in my life someone else hasn't experienced before me and worked out, so I KNOW it can be done.

And I guess that's about it from here.

Basically, I'm getting by. I have my good days and bad, but I'm definitely getting by.

And I know doing better than "getting by" is up to me. What holds me back has a whole lot more to do with ME than with any particular circumstance or set of circumstances (And that's pretty easy to SAY, but the real challenge is to ACT on that knowledge).

I hope this letter finds you doing well (You mentioned at one point being put on some drugs for your osteoporosis. Are they helping?). Thank you very much for your recent card and letter. Take care, and please say hi to Don and Ray and the rest of the family for me when you see them next.

Love,

Jim

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