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8:52 AM - Sunday 1.17.21

The Biggest Loss Of All

(Sometimes it feels like "the more there is to write about, the less I'm able to write". But before I go down the rabbit-hole of writing an entry about how I'm having trouble writing an entry, I'm gonna just write an entry...)

I'm still thinking about the recent insurrection (A week ago Wednesday, I believe?).

This makes sense - It would be weird if people stormed the Capitol to try and stop the election of Joe Biden and subvert Democracy (Maybe murdering the Vice-President and a couple of Congresspeople in the process) and I just saw it as a one-and-done news story - but it's part of why I've had such a hard time writing an entry.

On the one hand, the story has gotten worse by the day, as more and more news gets out - This wasn't just some spontaneous eruption of righteous anger stoked by the POS-In-Chief (Though there was definitely that. And he's stoked that anger since before he was elected), but also a coordinated effort by white-supremacist groups aided and abetted by some members of the police force, the military, and, possibly, even some members of Congress.

That would be ugly enough, frightening enough, all by itself (And to think how horrific the outcome would have been if the mob had found their intended targets)...but the monumental racism on display adds another ugly element to the mix - It was impossible to witness that day's events without considering what the police and military presence would have been like had that white mob been black and brown instead (It's very unlikely there would have been police taking selfies and moving barricades out fo the way for BLM protestors).

But as disturbing and disheartening as the insurrection was - and continues to be (As many pundits predict this isn't the last we'll see of right-wing extremist mobs attacking our Democracy - In other words, "Welcome to 'The New Normal'...") - It's made my heart sing to watch Trump get de-platformed, impeached a second time (Which wouldn't have been necessary if Congress had done their fucking jobs the first time around...!) and become increasingly isolated by decent society.

And after worrying there'd be no repercussions for the violence committed that day, it's been similarly gratifying to watch these traitors, who clearly thought their whiteness was gonna protect them from any responsibility for their criminal, seditious actions, be put on no-fly, terrorist watch lists, be arrested and carted away by the FBI (And know the ones who haven't been grabbed up yet are living in fear), and just generally have to deal with not being seen as "patriots", but as what they actually are - home-grown domestic terrorists.

And while "the verdict is out" at this writing, it even seems possible some people in positions of power, who likely never expected to pay the price for supporting Trump (And in particular, giving aid and comfort to the horde that attacked our government) may find themselves bounced from their seat of power (And maybe even prosecuted) before it's all over.

For the moment, it appears Democracy and rule-of-law were challenged...and have held (And it both comforts me that they have...and makes me very uneasy that it isn't a given that they always will).

And on a more basic level, I find Donald Trump experiencing the beginnings of a "comeuppance" for his words and deeds - For what seems to be the first time in his life - deeply satisfying to my personal sense of right-and-wrong (In short, it's been immensely disturbing that this clearly, unequivocally bad person has risen to the highest office in the land and, till now, has been free to wreak havoc. So, that said, having him starting to experience repercussions for being a huge piece-of-shit "restores balance in the Universe" least balance to my Universe).

(I feel I've only "skimmed the surface" of my thoughts/feelings on all this. But I think you've "gotten the gist" and I've got other things I want to write about, so...moving on...!)

Another thing that's been much on my mind of late is Jane R's recent...well, I wanted to call it "cancer scare", but that's not correct - She actually had cancer, no "scare" about it (She had a growth on her tongue that required surgery, and it turned out to have some cancer cells. For the past few weeks, she's been recovering, and was happy to hear - first from her surgeon, then from the "tumor board" - that they "got it all" and that no further treatment, beyond frequent check-ups, was required).

While Jane was going through what she was going through, it was very important to me, in our daily conversations, not to make her situation about me-and-my-feelings. I've rarely been anyone's go-to person during a time of trial - or frankly even one of a person's go-to people (Jane has Dick, of course, and other family members, so I wasn't the go-to person in this circumstance, but I was definitely one of them) - so I didn't want to "fall down on the job" by making Jane have to "hold my hand" over my concerns about her health.

(And, knowing me as I do, "making things all about me" in this instance was a not-unreasonable worry.)

But this was a time to support her, not to need support from her.

It wasn't like I never expressed my feelings about her situation - and I also had my weekly conversations with Mark and Jane Z. to express myself regarding what was happening - but I kept a great deal of my feelings to myself (For awhile I even felt precluded from writing much about it in here - Jane didn't want to "go public" with her situation, for the most part, until she knew what the deal was, one way or the other. And beyond that, it would have seemed weird to, in a journal I know she reads, express my fears of her imminent demise on the one hand, while being as "glass half-full" with her as I could honestly manage in conversation).

I feared for her...but I also feared for myself. And I felt guilty for having those "selfish" feelings.

It's been a stark reminder that my fears around mortality, fears that have seriously "amped up" in recent years (As in, "I think about death and dying almost all the time"), are not unwarranted.

Now the big fear is about my own demise (I fear "Dying" more than "Death"...but that said, I'm not a big fan of the idea of not existing anymore, and would prefer to avoid it).

But right behind that fear is the fear of losing a very small circle of close relationships.

I can't imagine anyone is exactly delighted at the idea of losing the people they care about, but I do think, considering I'm headed toward my 60th birthday, that I'm in a somewhat unusual situation - Growing up with no family, never having been married, and having very few close friends, I have not experienced death/loss the way most people my age have.

The closest I've come to devastating loss, a loss that meant my world, moving forward, would never be the same, was being taken from Lydia DeHaven, my first foster mother.

I wouldn't say it's been "smooth sailing ever since" - I had a couple breakups that were very painful (That's back when I was doing things like "relating romantically to women", "having sex", stuff like that. Before I dedicated my life to chastity and clean-living) - but I just haven't experienced loss the way most people have.

At this point, the biggest loss I'm likely to the loss of my own life.

That said, it was very sobering recently - before Jane's recent medical misadventure - when we had a conversation about the "inevitablilty" that one of us will have to deal with the death of the other ("Unless we die in a plane crash on our way to a film festival..." I said hopefully).

Considering how unenthused I am about no longer existing, I was fascinated when it popped into my head, on considering a world where anyone I care about (And who really cares about me) is dead, "Maybe I'll die before any of that happens...".

But I imagine, before it's all over, I'm going to experience a couple big losses (Before "The Biggest Loss Of All").

And I have a sneaking suspicion it's really gonna suck.

Well, I actually have another thing I wanted to write about, but I've been doing this on-and-off all day and I really have other things that need to happen before the day is through ("Exercising", "Working on Shameless", and "Talking to Jane" being the first three things that come to mind).

So till next time...



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