8:24 AM - Sat 1.24.21
The other day it popped into my head, not for the first time, "The big reason I have a 'food problem' and not an 'alcohol problem' is that food tastes good".
I'm not sure why that's an important enough observation that it pops into my head from time-to-time...but there it is.
When my cat Hamlet poops in his litterbox...he doesn't completely poop in his litterbox - His butt kind of "hangs over" the edge, so some poop goes in the litterbox...and some poop goes on the floor.
I'm not a big fan of his elimination technique.
It troubles me.
But as of this writing, I don't really know what to do about it (I have recently put a cover on his litterbox, so at least when he does his "dirty, sinful business", the part that falls on the floor all falls in one spot. But I'd prefer it fall entirely in the litterbox, thank you very much).
I just went back and "un-italicized" a number of words I'd italicized in the entry so far. I'm not sure where I developed this tendency - David Mamet, maybe? - but I recently read some old entries where I did it and did it a lot, and it was really annoying. So...you're welcome.
Have been having a problem where my Mac Pro is dropping random periods when I type. I made that stop, only to discover it was happening because my space bar is randomly double-spacing. But in order to completely address that issue, I'd have to turn the laptop off...and I feel committed enough to the current project that I don't want to do that. So...here we are.
Okay, I should probably start actually writing something, shouldn't I?
There's a great deal going on in my head these days, from the trivial...to the even more trivial. And the effort it takes to "sort that all out" is probably the biggest thing that causes me to procrastinate when it comes to writing in here.
But isn't "sorting out what you have to say" - Then saying it as clearly as possible - what writing is basically about?
So I think today I'm going to skip writing about politics (The exit of Trump, the inauguration, the beginning of the Biden presidency, etc), skip writing about Jane R. (Her recent cancer issues, her pending part-time move to LA, etc), and focus on Shameless coming to an end after 11 seasons and where my thoughts are on that.
As I said in a recent podcast, I'm very struck by the novelty of this situation - To date, Shameless has been the lion's-share of my "career" in Hollywood...and it's coming to an end.
That's pretty big.
I wish I could opine on the "end game" of the show in terms of scripts and storylines and whatnot, because I'm finding it very interesting...but of course I cannot.
But the recent scripts are bringing it home - "This really is ending...".
And the last couple times I've been on-set have been interesting; Till very recently, I've only considered the end of Shameless in terms of my own deal - worrying about finances, wondering what happens next for me as an actor, etc - but brief conversations with some of the Regulars on the show have reminded me that this is a thing happening to a lot of people, not just Yours Truly.
Again, I can't comment on what those regulars said to me about things coming to an end - That's their story to tell, not mine - but it has made me realize that while our circumstances, financial and otherwise, are very different, a lot of the feelings are very similar.
One thing I don't want to get lost, in my worries about money and my future as an actor and all that, is the realization of how fortunate I've been for the past 11 years.
I'm very aware that most actors - particularly most actors who come out to LA in mid-life - don't wind up in a long-running hit show, in any capacity.
Thanks to Shameless, I've literally gotten to continue living in LA as an actor - Not the only benefit I've gotten from Shameless, by any stretch of the imagination, but a pretty substantial one.
But I'm greedy - I want to continue being fortunate, to continue living in LA, to continue being an actor, after Shameless (And maybe - Dare I even think it? - not just maintain my current status - where I pay rent and eat food and enjoy certain amenities - but improve on it).
(Don't know why I felt I needed to say that...but there it is.)
(Got distracted by stuff. Anyway...)
I'm spending a great deal of time these days thinking about "the two tracks" of my concerns post-Shameless.
The first is pragmatic - I would like to not live in a world where money is everything...but I kinda live in a world where money is everything. So it's hard not to feel at least a touch of psychic distress at the idea of a life with no regular income (That's a situation I haven't been in since first blowing into town almost 20 years ago).
That's why a lot of my thoughts run along the lines of "Well, I have this much in checking, this much in savings, and this much in my IRA, and Cameos might still be a thing for a little while after Shameless, and there'll be residuals, and I should be eligible for more unemployment when the time comes, and I've got health insurance for at least another year, and hopefully a couple acting things will happen, and then I can take early Social Security...".
Cause of course I want there to be another series (Where I have a bigger better role and make bigger better money), but that's kinda like wanting to hit the Lottery...again.
So my physical survival, while not an immediate concern - I'm not going to walk off the Shameless set on my last day and instantly be homeless - is definitely a concern.
But the second "track" is more...existential.
At this point, I feel like my life has basically been, "Rough start, a lot of meandering around not doing much of anything, a mid-life, slow-motion grab at the brass ring...and a miss."
(Yes, it's a gross simplification, but it does seem to be the basic "arc" of my story.)
And I don't want to believe I'm done.
I'm not gonna have the "win" I'd fantasized about as a child in foster care - feeling ugly and unloved, but knowing one day I'd be rich and famous and the world would love me and everything would be all right - but I don't want to believe this anthill I've climbed is going to be my mountaintop.
I want to scratch out another real win or two before I'm done.
I don't really know what I'm fighting for anymore (Other than being able to say "I came out to Hollywood, and had an actual career")...but I don't want the fight to be over.
Till next time...