10:23 pm - Mon 3.19.2013
Flat Feet And Cheap Shoes

This has been a long, boring, lonely, unproductive and mostly pointless day...

("Yeah Jim - Way to make them want to read more...!")

But I did at least finish my profile for "The People Network", yet another casting website I have to be on, because if I'm not, JS can't submit me for auditions a commercial casting office might only put out through them (Unless I'm forgetting someone, this outfit is now the fifth casting website I have to have a profile on to be a "professional actor". It's annoying. And thus far anyway, this website does not seem like a particularly good casting website. But anyway...).

Then hours went by with nothing memorable happening - watched some tv, jerked off a couple times (Not in succession, mind you - I'm 51 years old, for God's sakes!), Facebooked more than was reasonable, wrestled with wanting to eat when I shouldn't, tried to nap (And failed), etc - before deciding to walk down to Western Ave, where there's a GNC, and right next to it a shoe store, both of which I'd wanted to check out on a previous walk days before (But as often happens, I'd taken too long to get myself out of the house that day...and they were closed).

The GNC was open, so I went in and bought a box of Alteril, the - to me anyway - really expensive "All Natural Sleep Aid" I'd seen advertised on tv.

(The appeal, beyond "Hey, I saw that on TV, so it must be good!", was that it's basically a "cocktail" of all the things you've heard of that are supposed to promote sleep - melatonin, L-trytophan, valarian root, and chamomille herb - in handy pill form.

And I'm telling myself that since it's all there, in a single pill, I probably saved more money than if I'd bought them as individual supplements (I'm going to choose to believe that, in any case).

Honestly? I don't believe it'll work, because nothing has worked so far...but I would be deliriously happy to be wrong on this one.

Then I went next door to the shoe store (An "SAS Comfort Shoe" store, to be specific), the hope being to buy a pair of shoes offering more arch support than the cheap shoes I'm currently wearing (Which have all the "arch support" of a pair of cheap bedroom slippers); I have been having fairly bad problems with my back and knees for...well, for long enough that I've lost count of how long it's been, and I'm hoping it's all due to flat feet and cheap shoes.

But when I went in, I saw that, while they had a list of at least 20 different brands of women's shoes, they had maybe a half-dozen or so men's brands, none of which I recognized (I was basically looking for Rockports, or New Balance, something along those lines. Something I recognized as a trustworthy brand of "comfort shoe").

And those brands they had that I didn't recognize? They were too expensive to boot.

So no shoes for Jimmy; instead, I kept walking to Ralphs, where in addition to Diet Coke and a couple cans of pineapple - two staples of my training table - I bought some Dr Scholls arch-support insoles.

I hope they are the solution to my problem - I have been really uncomfortable and unhappy standing or walking for any period of time, for a long time now, and as much as I might wish I could, I can't sit or lie down all the time.

I just can't.

I'm embarrassed to be writing about this boring, pedestrian, kind of "old man shit" - "I can't sleep. My back hurts. I'm not pooping right", etc - but what can I do? It's a part of life.

A part of my life, anyway...

But the takeaway from this "old man shit", I hope, isn't that I'm hurting, but that I'm trying to "do something about it", and not just stewing in my discomfort and unhappiness.

Which has traditionally been "more my speed".

I would like that to be the way I always operate, not content to just hurt, to be unhappy and uncomfortable to the point where I let it effect how I live my life, but to actively seek out solutions.

Even if/when, in my heart-of-hearts, I feel the cause is hopeless - I still owe it to myself to try.

I've started this too late, and I'm fading rapidly...

My last entry "failed to satisfy", for precisely the reason I suggested when I was writing it - I was "backed up" and had too much I wanted to say, so I felt like I ended up just "skimming the surface" and not really saying much of anything.

Like a detail about going to the Dresden with Josh and Michelle and Matt - I told you how I got up and sang and how it went over pretty well?

But what was interesting to me was that Matt had actually gotten up to sing before me...and blew everyone away.

Seriously - He was really great.

He is a much better singer than I am, and clearly a more practiced musical performer (And of course, younger and better-looking, because otherwise, it wouldn't be depressing enough) - He'd told me earlier that he performs in this musical/comedy review in Austin that's run forever - and I really didn't have any business following him.

And in the moment, I did consider not going up - Who wants to come off second-best, after all? Not this guy, that's for sure! - but I did go up, and I did my thing, and I came off pretty well "doing my thing" (I was thinking about it afterward - "Steamroller" is inherently a funny song for me to sing, because I just don't look like a guy who should be singing about how he's a "churning urn of burning funk", a "demolition derby for your love", etc.).

Anyway, Matt's greatness that night? That's a detail that shouldn't be omitted.

Should have went to Weight Watchers tonight, for my weekly weigh-in.

But I didn't.

Cause I suck.

I'm up this week, and that was a big part of why I didn't want to weigh-in (That, and the fact that it's never easy to motivate myself to ride back to Weight Watchers after working the 9:30 and 12:15 meetings).

Anyway...

(Midnight-ish)

When I thought about what I wrote yesterday - the "old man shit", as I called it - I considered deleting it.

But then I decided not to, because like I said, it's the stuff that's going on right now.

In a word, I do not feel good (I know - "I do not feel good" is five words. Sue me).

I almost never do. Feel good, I mean. There is always some issue of mind, body, or spirit that is vexing me at any given time.

Usually a number of "issues" at once, to be more accurate.

And it's something I wish I could "escape from" or "rise above", or something.

But apparently, I can't.

This is what's going on with me - I'm tired all the time, and I hurt, and I can't seem to outpace my anxieties (That currently center around - but are not limited to - issues of my ongoing "financial viability"), and my pain and fatigue and distress and starting to seem like all there is.

I know that's not true - I have good moments all the time (I'd say at least a couple times a day)...but they struggle to measure up against the fact that I have no idea what it feels like to be rested, that I'm starting to seriously fade physically (From my eyes to my back to my bowels to my knees), while the struggle to "make it" never lets up, that it's really starting to feel like "the story of my life" is not going to have a happy ending.

...and this is one of those times where I realize I've written myself into a bad place. It's not something I'm making up or writing for effect or what-have-you - It's the real way I'm really feeling - but it's probably not terribly edifying for either one of us.

If you care about me and this talk makes you nervous, don't worry - I don't have any plans to kill myself, or to "give up" in any way.

I just wish I had some idea of how to move forward, some way of grabbing control over all these troubles that are bedeviling me.

I feel anxious and overwhelmed and wish I could give up.

I'm not going to though.

And I guess the first step in "Not giving up" is to give myself at least a fighting chance at getting some rest by at least getting to bed at a semi-decent hour

previous - next