|
|
5:13 pm - Thu 5/23/02 Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road, and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. I'm starting this entry offline, because I'm waiting for the sleep study people to buzz my apartment (The buzzer works through my phone line. Seems problematic--What if I'm on the phone when someone buzzes? Or, more likely, on the computer?--but there it is). I thought they were going to be here at 2:00. They said between 2:00 and 4:00, but closer to 2:00 because I was "first on the list" (Well, at this point, we're still closer to 2:00 than to 4:00, so I guess I've got a little while before I can get annoyed). I'm feeling better about this than I was. Most people are able to work out the various issues with the CPAP, and I have to assume that I can too. And I don't think it's possible to overstate what an improvement sleeping would make in my life. It might not be a panacea for all my "issues", but it would certainly give me some "breathing space" to work on them. I haven't felt too good about Diaryland recently. I don't know exactly what it is, but I've had a distinct, palpable sense of dissatisfaction. Entries have felt abbreviated, more like half-entries. There have been a couple times recently where I didn't write, not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I had too much to say, and was either embarrassed and afraid of what might come out, or just too frustrated at my inability to deal with the flood of thoughts, the difficulty of putting them into some coherent shape. Dealing with a feeling, whether it's true or not, that I've recently said things in Diaryland that have "put people off". If that's true, I'm uncomfortable with the notion, and uncomfortable that it bothers me so much (If it's not true, and I'm just being paranoid, that's a different uncomfortable "issue"). But I don't really want to do this so much, writing about writing all the time. I want to get past the self-consciousness, and into something that means something. (Man, am I tired...) (It's a little past 2:45. Where ARE these people?) Jimi Hendrix is playing on my boombox ("Red House", from Are You Experienced?). It reminds me of someone I was thinking about just recently, a guitar player from Lansing I knew--"Blade"--who was a big Hendrix fan, and would posture and make faces like Hendrix did when he'd play (The only difference between the two of them? "Blade" couldn't really play). ____________________________________________________________________________ It's 3:30. The sleep person has come and gone. Basically, he brought in the monitor and the various electrodes, hooked me up as he explained what each one did, took me through reams of paperwork--questionaires, surveys, releases, etc--and was on his way, with the instruction to call him around 10 or so tonite, before I go to bed, so he can check to see if I'm good to go. I'd forgotten how uncomfortable being hooked up to electrodes makes me ( I think that's interesting and kind of odd; After all, it's not as if it hurts, or anything like that). Maybe it's that "Frankenstein Monster" association I've felt all my life, or the association of monitors with being "sick". But anyway... Adding to that discomfort was a rising anxiety, as I was afraid I'd somehow screw this up if anything came off between now and then, or if I took anything off (Again, that's what calling the guy at 10 is for; If I have any questions or problems getting things together, he can talk me through it. He also needs to check to see if the monitor is set to go). So as I'm writing, I have something attached to my neck, and to each side, just below my armpits. There's another thing that goes on my right middle finger, I think to monitor my heart, and something else that goes under my nose, to check my breathing, that I took off, because I can't eat or drink--not to mention play on my computer, with them on. I thought I was going to go out and see About A Boy today, but suddenly, I'm feeling the urge to be "Hermit Boy", and screw with this crap I've got on as little as I have to. (Here's an unhappy aspect of doing this at home; Leo is going to have to spend the night in the bathroom, because he might have the urge to play with my wires in the middle of the night otherwise. I wondered aloud how effective this test is going to be if I don't get any sleep, because Leo is crying and scratching at the bathroom door, but there really isn't any alternative.) So anyway, I guess that's that. In other Hoffmaster news, I received my federal tax refund in todays mail. YAY! (Just got off the phone with Cary, planning our get-together tomorrow.) I don't know exactly what's the best use of these funds. I've pretty much ruled out "hookers and beer", but beyond that... Obviously, some chunk of it has to go to Mark and Jane. Initially, I was thinking all of it had to go to Mark and Jane, but while that makes sense to me morally, it makes more financial sense to send them some of it, and use the rest to pay off one of my credit card bills (And save a bit for myself, for that "birthday steak" I didn't end up actually having on my birthday). And when a credit card bill is paid off, I'll be able to send M & J more money each month anyway (I'm very anxious to have them be paid in full before we all get a whole lot older. Though in my current financial situation, I'm a little vague on how that's gonna happen). A little disappointed, talking to Cary, that we might not be able to do the pictures tomorrow; Kay would need to borrow the necessary lighting, but they haven't heard back from the guy they want to borrow the lighting from (Cary talked about getting an early enough start so we could potentially use "natural lighting", but "natural" light tends to make me all "squinty", which is not my best "look"). Not having updated pictures is one of the things that's been nagging at me lately, stressing me out. It's not as if I've been a ball-of-fire on the "looking for acting" front thus far, but at this point, I'm not doing anything, and it's making me uncomfortable; I know I'll get "back on track" before too long, but I'm still feeling like time's a'wastin'... The other thing that's kind of up-in-the-air is the car; I've driven it when I've needed to do something, but I'm still not "legal"--I don't have my insurance stuff, and I still haven't made the trip to the DMV--and it's nobody's fault but my own (I could have driven to El Segundo, where the insurance place is, and gotten all this done by now. But the lazy, fearful part of me said "Just have them send you the papers, Jim", so here we are; I've sent them the application, and am waiting to hear back). Lots of things, both little and not-so-little, have been "nagging at me" lately. I seem to fall into these "cycles" where things build up, it seems like situations are getting "out-of-hand" on numerous fronts, and I'm unwilling or unable to deal with it. I just end up stressed and unhappy. But in time, everything gets handled, one way or another. I'm doing the sleep apnea thing, the pictures will happen sometime soon, and the car thing is just a simple matter of waiting for my insurance stuff to get back to me in the mail, then trucking over to the DMV on one of my days off. Really not the biggest of big deals. I'm concerned about the hernia thing, and it depresses me, in spite of myself. The concern comes from not knowing how I'm going to deal with it; Chris is going to be off to Australia by then (And I don't know that I'd want to ask him to help me with this anyway), while Cary and Kay live in Newhall, and both have regular jobs and what-have-you. It would be a real imposition on them (Basically, I'd need someone to get me to and from surgury). But I'm experiencing fairly frequent discomfort at this point, telling me I'm going to have to deal with this sooner rather than later. And the depression? Well, I guess part of it is that sense of my body "letting me down" again. And this seems like a pretty basic responsibility here: If your body can't even manage to hold your guts in, what good is it? And I didn't want my vacation time to be eaten up by something like this. I'd envisioned something a little more enjoyable happening on my vacation time, like shooting a movie or tv show, or maybe going back to Michigan to visit (This will be the third time I'll have spent a vacation "recovering" from surgury ). But there's nothing for me to do about it, except deal with it (I don't know about you, but I get pretty tired of coming to that conclusion). It's not much fun, that's for sure, but it's really not the end of the world, either. Just an annoying little physical "glitch". And for a delightful sense of symmetry, I think I'm going to close with another quote... I wanted to tell you with my last breath...I have always loved you. I would rather be a ghost, drifting by your side...as a condemned soul, than enter heaven without you. Because of your love...I will never be a lonely spirit. That's from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. To me, that's about as beautiful, and romantic, as movie dialogue gets.
0 comments so far 
|