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12:30 pm - Mon 3/25/02 Just got back from rehearsal a short time ago... I wasn't completely happy with how things went; Mark, our director, had a family emergency and had to go out-of-state, so he had another guy run rehearsal. First thing "I wasn't completely happy with" was the fact that our "substitute director" was twenty minutes LATE (And to boot, NEITHER "Alexis" showed up. So much for the wisdom of "double casting"...). Then I just thought we'd get to business, and basically run through the show a couple times. But "substitute director" wanted to do actual DIRECTING; He had us talking about our characters and improvising and screwing around with the blocking, the whole nine yards (Pretty much everything but running the actual SHOW). So what what my PROBLEM? Well, for one thing, I feel like we have pretty limited time--We're rehearsing twice a week, for two hours at a time, with double-casts--So anything that feels like wasting time is not something I feel very supportive of (I'm also not nuts about the idea of changing blocking with "substitute director guy", only to have the REAL director change everything BACK next week). The other thing is a little more...ABSTRACT. I didn't know this guy, I didn't TRUST this guy, and to be honest, I think my attitude was partly, "Who the hell are YOU?", and wanting to be left alone to "do my thing" (I think that last part is kind of interesting; In community theater, I often thought I wanted to be directed more than I was, but that said, I think I kind of got USED to being "left to my own devices" most of the time. Now, while I think I genuinely WANT to be "directed" on one level--particularly if I feel "adrift"--there's also a part of me that resents the "intrusion"). What he did that I DIDN'T have any problem with was look at "moments" in the script where he felt like nothing was happening, and have us stop and work through them. THAT was the rehearsal I wanted to have, not something where he asks us if our characters were breast-fed as children or any of that stuff (That's stuff for people to do on their own time if they want to/need to). He didn't really direct me personally that much. Initially, I felt resistent to ANYTHING he had to say to me, but then I decided to just go with it (It wasn't like he was asking me to do my role while standing on my head or anything like that). And it was fine--I thought some of it made sense, and some of it was pretty weak. In any case, we'll see how things fly on Thursday, when Mark gets back. Another thing I didn't have a problem with was some stuff he gave "Todd", who is "the bad kid" in the show. Mark had given him direction to be "bored" with what what I was saying at a point in the show where I think that's just WRONG (Having a character be "bored" is ALWAYS a crappy choice, in my mind), and it's been very hard for both the actor playing "Todd" and myself to play (I think having that character be "bored" in the later part of the show undercuts what's SUPPOSED to be happening). So, I wouldn't say the rehearsal was a waste--And to be fair, I think some of the other actors were more taken with this guy's direction than I was--but I think it was about half-helpful, to half gumming-up-the-works (And keeping us almost an hour later than scheduled didn't help my attitude. I wanted to say, "Hey man, I GOT here on time today...!"). Anyway, work is calling, and I must answer its siren song... (END) I did a big post-Oscar show entry last night, but my computer "glitched" in the middle, and I lost it. But anyway... I worked till 8:30 last night, but between Ben giving me a ride home, and the record-breaking LENGTH of the show, I got to see the last four awards presented (And let's be honest--The four acting awards, "Best Director" and "Best Picture" are the only ones I care about ANYWAY). I did pretty well with my pics--I missed "Best Actor" and "Best Supporting Actor", but got Halle Berry and all the "Beautiful Mind" awards ("Beautiful Mind" was the only one of the five "Best Picture" nominees I DIDN'T see, btw)--so I'm hoping I did well enough to win one of the two Oscar pools I participated in (One at the bookstore, and one "in absentia" at Schulers). (I felt kind of sad that this was my first Oscar telecast in years where I didn't have something to do--No little soiree to go to--and had to WORK besides. It also occurred to me that "I'm a bike ride away from the actual EVENT, and I'm not even going to be able to watch it on TV"; I set my VCR to TAPE it, but it turns out that in order for my VCR to WORK, you actually have to put a tape IN the machine! OOOPS! "Scatterbrain Guy" strikes again...) Watching what I did get to see--I got kind of "misty" when Halle Berry won--it occurred to me, as it has many times before, "I want to BE there". I thought this last night, and it might sound really FUNNY, but I think I'd be more "comfortable" in THAT world than I am in THIS one. I was saying in the entry-that-wasn't last night, and in an earlier chat with Carrie today, that I think one key to my future success lies with admitting I am who I am, and I want what I want. And what do I WANT? I want to be really hugely SUCCESSFUL. I don't just want to be "A working actor", though there's nothing wrong with that goal, and when I GET to that point, I'll feel as if I've really ACCOMPLISHED something. I want what I've ALWAYS wanted; Fame and fortune and all that stuff that isn't very good for you and won't make you happy and is really unlikely anyway so you might as well not dream about it. THAT'S what I want. And I want it for "good" reasons--being a "name" means getting to do the work you WANT to do and not just what you HAVE to do--and for probably "not-so-good" reasons--When I become a "star", that'll mean I'm a worthwhile person--but make no mistake: I WANT it. And I think pretending to myself that I don't REALLY want it, or that I'd be content with LESS, does not serve my PURPOSES right now. If I VISUALIZE less, the way I have for many years now, I'll GET less. ________________________________________________ Well, I find myself on the horns of a dilemma here...I want to go on, but I'm running out of time before I have to get ready for work, and I'm feeling the strong urge to lay down, if only for the next half-hour. I'm going to lay down.
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