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10:41 AM - 11.28.21

Limbo And The Coming Shitstorm

(Somehow deleted everything I'd been writing for the past two hours, just by accidentally pressing the trackpad with the heel of my hand. So that's a thing that just fucking happened...!)

To be honest, I'm not in good spirits (Editor's note: This was the case even before the aforementioned "accidental deletion" incident).

Had a lovely Thanksgiving day - As is tradition, spent the day with Cary and Kay in Santa Clarita (They'd also invited Cary's friend Jonathan and his partner Casey), which was great fun - at least until the drive home, when the car started making an odd scraping noise and the "check engine" light popped on.

At that point, the day took a turn toward "less fun".

Took the car in on Friday, and when they hooked it up to some diagnostic thingie, a code came up that nobody could figure out. And when I called back, late afternoon, they still hadn't figured it out (I was told they'd get back to me on Saturday, which didn't happen).

So as of this writing, the car remains in the shop, undiagnosed, far as I know. Which I imagine could be part diagnostic mystery and part an "It's-a-holiday-weekend-so-what-do-you-expect?" level of service, I don't know (FTR, this is a place I go to regularly and feel fairly comfortable with).

In any case, it means I'm in vehicular limbo, hoping for the best (realistically, maybe a repair in the low triple-digits) but expecting the worst (A repair so costly I might as well buy a new car).

(But just to show you I'm always working on "seeing the silver lining" in this sort of situation, it did strike that me there could be worse times to (temporarily) not have a car - It's a holiday weekend, I'm not having to get to work, or to Shameless, most auditions are self-tapes or Zooms, and I can Lyft to any auditions that are in-person. It seems likely this situation will be resolved, one way or another, by the time I might actually need a car. And if I do need to buy a new car, or rather, a new used car, I won't be happy about it - at all - but I can swing it.)

I briefly wondered (It the car turned out to be toast), whether I'd actually even need to get a new car.

This is where I wish I had more of a talent for/inclination towards "crunching the numbers" - It would be nice to be able to figure out whether it's more "cost-effective" for me to have a car or to not have a car (In the current circumstances, where there's no regular income coming in, the idea of not having to pay for insurance, gas, maintenance, etc, is pretty appealing).

But beyond what "the numbers" would or wouldn't say, I ultimately have to agree with Jane R. (Who is staunchly "Pro-Car") - At this point, I continue to need a car.

Beyond practical, pragmatic concerns (Can't get everywhere I might need to go with Lyft), there's just an over-arching issue of not wanting my life to "contract", the way it undoubtedly would if I were car-less - It would basically be me saying "I'm never going to visit Cary and Kay again", not being able to help Jane out when she needs to get somewhere, having every out-of-town shoot be an ordeal to be "dealt with", and, over time, just not wanting to go anywhere or do anything outside of walking distance (Lyft could be cheaper, overall, than maintaining a car, but on a per-trip basis, it's really expensive. And, knowing me, that would weigh heavily in my "Do I really need to do this?" calculations).

And, long story short, until and unless I have to, I don't want to be totally dependent on someone or something else to get me where I want/need to go.

(Whew - Glad that's settled...!)

But these days, I'm not just in "vehicular limbo" - I'm in Limbo in general.

I feel like I'm right back where I was a decade or more ago, wondering what my life is going to be about moving forward, since love hasn't happened, family hasn't happened, career hasn't happened, etc.

Do I have any reason to be alive other than "I'm not quite ready to die yet"?

I'd like to believe there are good times left to be had, and good feelings left to feel, that's there's something meaningful for me to do moving forward...but I'm by no means convinced that's the case.

And I don't know how to craft that belief out of the materials at hand (Responsibility for my future happiness and sense of purpose seems a lot of weight to put on some imaginary upturn in my career, or the documentary, or Jane R.)

Cause there's a flat-out guarantee life is going to get worse from here - infirmity and death are definitely in the future (How far in the future? Who the fuck knows?) - and it feels like all I can do is anxiously hope the shitstorm comes "later" rather than "sooner".

And on that cheery note...

Till next time...



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