11:29 am - 05.06.2008
Mon 5/5/08 (10:21 a.m.)
Well, in happy news, Jane is a grandmother - again.
Nate - her oldest son - and his wife Katrina had an 8 lb 4 oz girl, delivered by c-section last night.
(Supposedly, the new arrival arrived fifteen days early, but I think someone must have been a little “off” in their calculations.)
They haven’t picked a name yet, but I guess Jane’s floated “Leah Katrina”, which I think is very nice - it has a good “flow”.
(I was less impressed with “Sunday”. Though if you like distinctive names - I don’t, particularly - it does have that; I can think of only two other women, one real and one fictional, whose names are days of the week - “Tuesday” Weld and “Wednesday” Addams.)
This happy news actually makes me feel a touch melancholy (Cause everything is ultimately about me, after all). You know, “passage of time” stuff, thinking about what’s not going to happen in my own life, wishing I could be at least a small part of “Leah Katrina/Sunday’s” life (If I were still in Lansing, I might get to see her sometimes while she was at "Grandma Jane's" house), that sort of crap.
I started off last week losing the envelope with my $25 in weekly dog-walking money (And this happened within minutes of me putting my hands on it, which made it particularly galling).
It didn’t feel like the best start to the week. But getting another check for the Comcast promos, a bigger check than the one I received last month, did a great deal to “ease the pain”.
(While I really need to be generating new acting income - and it would be nice if my AT&T spot would start running sometime this decade - it’s cool to still be reaping rewards from last year’s success; even running on fumes at this point, so far this year, my income from acting is still outstripping what I make at ArcLight.)
I didn’t go into my work week - my six-day work week - feeling terribly happy about ArcLight, or about my working life in general.
And I still don’t understand why I only have one day off this week, while other people - people who want/need the hours more than I do - have two or three days off (On “Jim’s Scale of Unhappiness”, I was ping-ponging between “furious” and “miserable” over the situation).
But a few nice things happened (I kinda/sorta introduced Jon Favreau for the sold-out midnight showing of Iron Man at The Dome on Thursday), and I caught a few breaks (On Saturday I had a Dome box office shift, which is maybe the easiest shift to have at ArcLight next to Phone Operator. And yesterday, I managed to get out of doing regular Box Office for most of my shift), and that did a lot to mitigate my displeasure.
But while I might have had a few relatively nice days at work this past week, that doesn’t mean I still don’t want out, because the overall "arc" of this story is that I’m wasting my life at shit jobs like ArcLight (And besides that, places like ArcLight have a way of making it clear when it’s time to start looking for the exits. And with the recent turn of events, it feels like that time has come).
Thinking about my non-acting work history, I’ve realized how profoundly “off” I’ve been in my thinking; I’ve always taken jobs based on this logic - “I like ____ (hamburgers, books, movies), so I might enjoy working at _______ (McDonalds, a bookstore, a movie theater)”.
My logic should have been “I like to _____ (read, write, speak/perform in front of people)”, so I might like to ______ (Do something involving what I like to do), and not just work making/selling a product I like to consume”.
But I understand why I went down what has clearly been a wrong path in my working life.
It was much easier to say, for example,"I like books, so now I will work in a bookstore" than to say "I like to read, so now I will do...something...that involves a lot of reading. Whatever that might be...".
(That's been a problem in general: Get me past acting, and I'm hard-pressed to figure out how the other things I like to do might translate into money - For example, I don't think many companies are looking for "professional masturbators".)
There are actually a number of reasons I’m in the position I’m in (a smart, capable, soon-to-be-47-year-old-man still doing the type of job he should have outgrown 25 years ago), ranging from "lack of guidance/direction" (When I was younger), to "fear of getting stuck" (If I had a non-acting job I could "live with", I was afraid I'd end up...living with it, and quit trying to be an actor. Which, sadly, is exactly what happened anyway, for twenty years), to low self-esteem, to now, amongst other things, being stymied by "practical considerations" (I ask myself, "What can I do, right now, that would be fulfilling, that would pay decently and provide decent benefits..." - it may sound crazy, but I think my "straight job", whatever it is, should actually cover my bills - "...that would leave me with enough time and energy to pursue acting?". And I come up with a big nothing).
It may be stupid to hope/expect, in my situation, a "straight job" to be a satisfying, well-paying proposition (I could actually live with just "satisfying", if acting would hold up the "well-paying" side).
But that's what I want. Cause I can't go through the rest of my life working shit jobs, waiting for the day my acting ship will come in (Of course, I hope my "acting ship" will come in in the next few days...but I know I can't count on that).
And now that I know what I want, and I know I should be thinking "What do I like to do?" and not "What do I like to consume?" when considering employment, the question becomes, "How do I use this 'knowledge' to change my reality?".
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