? - Fri 2/11/14
He Came, He Saw, He Muddled Through

At work recently, an elderly member, hanging around after the meeting was over (So it was just her, the Leader, and myself), started going on about "what's wrong with the country" (You know - the conservative rap about us being a country of "takers" who just want "free stuff", the whole nine yards).

For a second, just a second, I felt my skin crawl (She hadn't revealed this side of herself before), and I wanted to tell her how stupid she was energetically engage with her on the topic of "what's really wrong with this country".

Then it hit me - "Jim, who gives a shit what this old bat thinks? She's an idiot!".

And when she left, we laughed at her.

Shortly afterward, with that in mind, I wrote a brief poem:

I like to write in my online journal
Often at night, cause I'm somewhat nocturnal
I'd like to say that it makes me happy
But really, it just makes me feel less crappy.

That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, my being "damaged" by what happened to me early on; I survived, clearly, but I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, consider myself "stronger" for the experience.

I definitely think I would have fared better in life without those events that "didn't kill me".

I don't want to suggest that I'm still, all this time later, walking around with an open wound, in agony because of things that happened in my childhood.

I'm really not.

It's more like people who see evidence of God in the world around them.

I see evidence of my "damage" in the world around me; I'm a smart, talented, basically kind & decent person, who has nothing and has created nothing from his life.

It seems clear that things went a bit awry early on, and this sorry excuse for a life has apparently been "the best I could do" in terms of a patch-job.

When I posted a comment on the article, someone responded by asking me if I really felt "weaker" for my experience, and as if I hadn't "overcome anything".

When I really think about it, it's hard to speculate on "what might have been", or who I would have been, had I had a better childhood (After all, people from good homes sometimes fail to "live up to their potential" too), but I have to believe I would have done better than this. And I can definitely answer the second part of her question - I haven't "overcome" shit. I've merely survived

I've been driving to work on Saturday mornings much of the time lately - Partly because it gives me a little extra time, and partly because I'm just lazy (In driving my car, rather than riding my bike).

So yesterday morning, I got ready for work, went downstairs, went into the garage, hit my remote...and much to my unhappy surprise, the car wouldn't start.

It was same as last time (When I had the Perception audition in Sylmar); instead of the remote unlocking the doors, it set off the alarm, weakly, like it was pooping out, and when I got in the car? Nothing.

I called my WW Leader to tell her I'd be late - takes me about 25 minutes to get there on my bike, and I had about 10 minutes to work with - worked the first meeting, asked the other receptionist if they could cover for me, then went back home and called AAA.

So the car is in the shop.

The tow-truck guy - who was an interesting character - said it was a loose battery terminal, but I haven't gotten the official word from the shop yet

I was already starting the day feeling pretty blue, so needless to say, that didn't help.

Hopefully, it's not going to be that big a deal, but I'm just having a tough time, worrying about money, because nothing's happening with acting (Not a single new gig so far this year), and WW is struggling (The meetings where I'm the second receptionist aren't hitting their quota, numbers-wise, so my presence has not been required).

But beyond basic worrying about money, it just doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere, and it's hard to see how I'm ever going to do any better than "just getting by", if I can even keep that going (And right now, I mean that in both the "material" and "artistic" sense).

(That "I'm not getting anywhere" stuff wouldn't necessarily be disproven by my booking a gig or two - I always book a handful of gigs each year - but it would certainly go a ways toward making me feel at least a little more hopeful.)

Well, I did do my taxes a couple day ago, and I'm due a - for me, anyway - very substantial refund (To the point where I'm still wondering if I did something wrong somehow).

It would be nice if that "substantial refund" could be used for something other than just "basic maintenance" (aka food and rent and such), but I'm probably "not looking at it the right way"; I should be grateful that, considering my lackluster fortunes in both work arenas right now, I'm lucky to be able to count on a big refund check to help me get by "till those big guest-star roles start coming my way".

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