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9:02 AM - Weds 09.04.24 I learned last night that my commercial "avail" is still in play (Casting contacted my agent to say they finished callbacks yesterday - I need to pay more attention to this sort of thing, since it could save me some unnecessary suffering - and decisions will be made by Monday "at the latest"). And just a short time ago, my agent emailed to FYI me that he's recently received a couple checks from Aldi, which means he'll be cutting me a decent-sized check very soon. And Jane R. will be back in town as of mid-afternoon today. But for whatever reason, I'm feeling kind of sad and anxious (Which I will mention, along with other unhappy sensations I'm experiencing these days, when I see my new Primary Care guy on Friday). (Starting to drift...I've been up since around 4:30, when I woke up from another anxious dream about Schuler Books. This may be part of why I'm feeling a little anxious and sad today - Okay, more than a little - but anyway...) (Just finished texting with Jane, who's boarding her flight from Albuquerque in less than an hour.) Typically, when I'm feeling this way, I'll try to explain - Somewhat to you, Imagined Reader, but mostly to myself - just why I'm feeling like this. But honestly, I don't know why I'm feeling so blue. It's something I used to think about a lot - Do I get depressed and anxious for real "reasons", or do my generalized bad feelings just make everything seem crappy when it's not? Or is it "A little from Column A, a little from Column B"? One thing I've noticed lately? When a medical form, or a therapist, is asking about depression, one of the symptoms is something to the effect of "Are you not enjoying things that normally give you pleasure?". But what I've noticed for a while now is that I enjoy the things I typically enjoy, but that enjoyment turns off like a light switch the second I'm done, and I'm sad again. And I'm feeling downright assaulted by my negative/intrusive thoughts, things that are just popping into my head, seemingly unbidden. But one thought that doesn't feel negative at all is the thought that I should take a nap before drawing class at GenSpace. (Till next time...)
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