7:27 am - Tues 8/21/07
Never The Hero

(Watching The Closer...)

Have a callback later today, for the Trident commercial I went in for last Wednesday.

If I book it, it shoots on Friday.

I'd love to get this. I had fun at the initial audition, it's the kind of high-visibility spot I've wanted, it would keep the money flowing, and it would give me a fresh one for the "win" column before going back to Lansing next week.

So wish me luck.

Like the meeting before, I ended up feeling very bummed-out afterwards, depressed that nothing's happening, and guilty because I'm not doing more.

And what really bothered me was the part where people were talking about what "type" I am (This stemmed from telling the group that I'd asked Brett and Molly about my headshots, and whether a different headshot might help them sell me better).

I could spend whole entries on this--and still might at some point, cause it's a big "issue" for me--but I was left realizing, once again, that my looks say something very specific("loser", "sad-sack", "blue collar", etc) which, coupled with my age, I'm afraid will leave most of what I've got going on "inside" (My intelligence, sensitivity, sense of humor, etc.)largely untapped.

All I was hearing, when everyone was going on about my appearance (An issue I'm still more sensitive about than I should be), was all the things I'll never get to do. And not because those things aren't within me, not because I'm not talented enough, but simply because of my fucked up teeth, the dark circles under my eyes, etc.

It's reality--If you look like a loser, you're not going to get to play winners--but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

But this made me feel a little better: Tammy D., who is the group leader, is a big proponent of having a "log-line", which is basically a pithy way for an agent or manager to sell you to a casting person.

And when people pondered what my "log-line" would be, they came up with basically, "The love-child of Brad Garrett and Dennis Franz".

I can see that. And while their signature roles fell well within those "loser"/"blue collar" parameters I was chafing against, they were also a whole lot more than that. They "fleshed out" those loser/sad-sack/blue collar characters, playing people who were smart, funny, bitter, caring, angry, etc. (I also like that they both got to be in relationships over the course of their respective shows).

I'm not an idiot, and I'm not completely unrealistic: I know I'm not going to play the sexy stud, the action movie star, etc.

I'm never going to be the "hero"...except in my dreams. I get that.

But I still want to be an important part of the projects I'm involved in. I want to play fully-developed people, and not just stereotypes of what Hollywood thinks of ugly people.

I'm not looking to be the next James Bond.

I just want to bring everything I have to the table.

Because I have a lot.

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