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9:35 AM - Thurs 7.16.20

You Can't Have Everything. Where Would You Put It?

Okay, doing this should probably not be my first priority; I've got two Cameos that just came in, I have to do my thing for Unemployment, and I've got to go to the nearby Honda dealership to get the "code" for my radio (When AAA replaced my battery recently, it activated the anti-theft lockout, and that makes me sad).

But here we are.

I've had all the caffeine I'm allowed for the day already. So I don't know how happy and productive I'm going to be moving forward, but I'm guessing the answer will be, "Not very". So I'm going to do the thing I think takes the most "mental effort" first.

"But why are you only 'allowed' so much caffeine?", you ask?

During my first phone consultation with a cardiologist last week, the Dr. asked about my caffeine intake. And when I told him how much coffee and Coke Zero I drink, he referred to it as a "toxic" amount of caffeine (Which, to my great chagrin, reflected me recently cutting back on the Coke Zero. Afterward, I joked to Jane R., "I guess it could have been worse - He could have said it was a fatal amount").

He said that factor - all the caffeine - all by itself, could be the reason my heart's added some extra beats. Which was good news...except for the part where I have to not drink so much Coke Zero (That's the real issue - Typically, I have a single, morning cup of coffee a day, but I live on Coke Zero).

So there's been a lot more water in my life lately (Or "clear bathtub juice", as Tracy Morgan once referred to it on 30 Rock). Haven't noticed any big difference in how I feel yet, good or bad, but I feel good that I'm actually "addressing the issue".

Basically, the triumvirate of changes I need to instigate are, 1) Minimize caffeine, 2) Lose weight, and 3) Exercise more.

As the person most directly invested in my general health and welfare - She doesn't want me kicking the bucket before the film is done - Jane R. has been providing encouragement in my efforts, which has been nice.

But it's mostly on me to make this shit happen. Because while there's at least a handful of people out there who like that I'm alive, I've got a little more invested in this whole "being alive" thing than anyone else.


Since resolving to "kick things up a notch" in terms of my drawing (As a larger goal of being more "creative" in general during this time of Pandemic), I've bemoaned my lack of a dedicated drawing "space" for awhile - It just seemed, if I were really going to make this a "thing" and take it more seriously, that it should have its own space, not just be a matter of me clearing off the TV table whenever I had the urge.

For a while, I consulted with Jane R. on this issue - We talked about moving this thing here and that thing there and how that might or might not work - but nothing had really happened.

Then she recently suggested something that seems obvious in retrospect, but that neither of us had thought of - Instead of working to create some new "dedicated space", I could simply get the TV off the table, stick it on the wall, and - Voila! - new "drawing table".

Well, this idea was breathtaking all by itself, but then - when I assumed I'd just be sticking my current 38" flatscreen on the wall - she suggested I get a new TV instead (Her primary reason being that my current TV, which looked fine on the table, would seem "too small" when placed on the wall).

I blanched at the idea for various-and-sundry reasons. But I gave it a day's thought and decided "What the hell...!" - I did think she was right about the "size issue". And beyond that, my elderly flatscreen was not "smart", and I think a smart guy like me should have a smart TV (Seriously, the idea of getting rid of peripherals like my Roku and Chromecast was pretty appealing - That would be two fewer plugs and a remote in my life).

And Jane sweetened the deal, first easing my financial discomfort - telling me that if I ever "came up short" in paying my bills because of the purchase, she'd lend me the purchase amount till I could pay her back - then easing my fear of potential frustration, by saying that, if I bought it, Seth (Our DP and now friend) would probably be up for installing it for me.

So I bought the TV (Off Amazon), a few days ago Seth put the mount on the wall (And the TV on the mount) for me, and now I have both a better TV experience and a drawing table (Which I haven't drawn on just yet...though I did write five pages in my private journal there yesterday morning, which felt good - I'm okay if the "drawing table" is a general "get shit done" table as well).

It still feels pretty profligate, to have spent a shit-ton of money on a TV during this uncertain time. But I'm telling myself that if it genuinely improves the quality of my life - and so far, it seems like it's going to - it's worth it (And in a very, very roundabout way, I'm telling myself it's a potential "investment" - I'm not really a good enough artist to sell my "work", but it's possible I'm a good enough artist to sell my work to people who know me personally/know me from Shameless. And if that happens, maybe I'm motivated enough to work harder so I could sell my work in general. In a time where there's no work and no acting and the future is nothing but uncertain, where I'd like to spend the last years of my life doing shit I actually want to do, it's certainly worth exploring).

I'm also giving my old TV (And the aforementioned "peripherals") to someone who can use it, so I guess I can feel good about that.


Well, after attempting to re-open, it seems California is largely shutting back down in the face of a renewed rise in Covid-19 cases and deaths.

I know that WW Studios, in particular, opened briefly, but are shutting back down again, making me once more at least vaguely curious about the fortunes of my former employer (Basically, I'd be okay if WW crashed and burned - Serves 'em right for making me feel bad about myself and uncertain about my future! - but I do still have friends who work there, so...I'm torn).

It's made for a rather limited palette of entertainment options for me and Jane while she's here - which I don't think has been that big a problem, at least not on my end - but hasn't affected me much otherwise.

I guess the big "issue" is that it just seems to "kick the can" further and further down the road, as to when acting will come back, Shameless in particular.

But the fact that, once again, things are as dead-in-the-water as it's possible to be, means I feel "invited", once again, to "live in the moment" and enjoy, as much as possible, the fact that I don't have to worry about "nothing happening" since I know nothing's going to happen (And it's not my fault, which is important - It's not I like I created Covid-19 in my secret laboratory just so I could eventually collect Unemployment).

It struck me recently that Covid-19 - and subsequently, my being laid off at WW - actually made a wish come true; I've spent my entire adult life wishing I didn't have to work a day job...and here I am.

Now, that wish always assumed I wouldn't be working a day job because acting would be going so well...but I guess I should have been more clear on that front.

But I guess it's like Steven Wright once said, "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?".

But on that note, this little bit of nothing has taken me all morning and some of the afternoon, and as I said at the beginning, I've got shit to do.

So, till next time...




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