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11:33 PM - 11.11.19

Nothing From Nothing

Well...I got nothing.

(But I want to write anyway, so here goes "nothing"...)

Since I last wrote, I've actually started writing in my private journal (After a first entry that was more preamble than anything).

Interesting to note how out-of-shape, physically and mentally, I am when it comes to this activity I used to do on a regular basis.

it's been a while since I've written more than a couple words at a time by hand, so said hand tires pretty quickly, meaning, thus far, entries have been appreciably shorter than an average Diaryland (And to my chagrin, the "passage of time" meant that at one point I had to put on my "cheaters" to see what I was actually writing).

And it's slow, and I make mistakes, and I miss easy editing on-the-fly (Clearly I could write on the computer and just not "publish", but something about that feels "wrong"; apparently in order for this to work, I have to do it "the old-fashioned way"...with quill pen and inkpot).

Maybe most interestingly, I don't remember how I used to "talk to myself" in my private journal. I feel, so far, as if I'm writing to "you", the reader of my Diaryland journal, but just not "sharing" it...if that makes any sense (I don't remember if, back in the old days, my "audience" was an imaginary reader, "future me", or what).

But cramped writing hand and quill pen aside, I've already written about things I'm uncomfortable or unable to write about in here (and already know what I want to write about next), and I feel like I'll get my handwritten journal groove back before too long.

And it feels good to have a physical book that I'm eventually going to fill with writing - I miss the satisfaction of that (I enjoy writing in here, clearly, but there's never any sense of "completion").

(Though I think the Moleskine journal might have been a mistake - It appeals to me aesthetically, but I'm afraid it won't physically hold up over the long haul.)

What else is going on...?

At my day job, all of the studios are being remodeled - To date, three of the four locations where I work (Beverly, Culver City, and Santa Monica) have moved into their temporary locations (West LA being the lone holdout).

It's been various degrees of extra work and stress, and there's a large part of me that resents it (I don't want to do the normal job, so I sure as shit don't want the job getting any harder)...but thus far, I have sort of enjoyed the weird, kind of "retro" spaces we've migrated to; at Beverly we're in a private "gaming club" (complete with a sign on the wall saying "No Gambling Permitted"), at Culver City we're at the Elks Club (It's a little "hacky", but I had to get a picture of myself strategically placed in front of a set of antlers, just so I could post something about feeling "horny" on Instagram), and at Santa Monica, we're at a place called the Olympic Collection ("Banquet and Conference Center"), a place where, every time I drive up - have worked there a couple weeks now - I look at the place and think "This is a lot...!".

This week is the rolling out of the new iteration of the program, so that was fun to deal with yesterday (In addition to it being our first day in the temporary space, and having to screw around with the latest WW attendance incentive. The first hour or so made me desperately want to just say "fuck it!" and walk out...though, after that, it got better. And on the plus side, our territory manager took us out afterward for a little treat, which was nice).

After 11 years, I'm hitting the point with WW that I hit with pretty much every "day job" I've ever had - My entire adult work life has involved go-nowhere, dead-end jobs that I eventually chafe against...because they're go-nowhere, dead-end jobs.

But on top of that "This job is getting me nowhere" feeling, there's the discomfort of being substantially overweight at a business devoted to weight loss.

I was very proud of myself getting to Lifetime, but it feels as if I "maintained" for about five minutes before gaining a good chunk of my weight back and keeping it for the next eight or nine years (Currently I'm about two thirds of the way back to what I weighed when I first walked through the door).

I'm ashamed and angry at myself pretty much all the time, which clearly doesn't do any good. But I can't seem to find anything positive to motivate me to get back on the stick.

And Ironically, working at WW doesn't help - They can't fire you for being a fat piece-of-shit because it would be discrimination, and you don't get charged for being over your goal when you do go to a meeting (Which is hard to motivate yourself to do when you're at a studio five days a week as is).

So in terms of my weight, I suspect I might be better off if I was just a WW member and not an employee.

But where would I go? What would I do?

I have no actual job skills (Unless you consider my awesome acting talent a "skill").

And while I might not want to work at WW anymore, I can't think of what else I could do (Or more to the point, what else I would rather do. Because I could probably get a job at Starbucks or Target or someplace, but that all feels like an "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" situation).

Fact is, I don't want to do anything but act.

But my getting to do that at this point seems...unlikely at best.

So...what to do?

What to do?

Till next time...


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