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1:41 PM - Sun 01.15.23

Reasons To Be Hopeful

Well, we had a couple sunny days here in LA, but as of yesterday, we're back to gray and rainy.

But that brief break in the clouds came with some happy news - I have my first audition of 2023 on Tuesday!

It's a live commercial audition at 200 S LaBrea, one of the seemingly two or three commercial casting places left that survived COVID (Beyond the possibility of winning a fabulous prize, I like going there because 1. It's close and 2. There's a Ralphs right next door, so I can pop in and do a little shopping right after).

Speaking of commercials, received what will almost certainly be my last check for KFC yesterday.

It was bittersweet...but I have to say it's been a good run (If you've never seen it, it was a holiday-themed spot, so I knew it had an "expiration date". But as one of my fellow actors on the spot suggested, there's every possibility it might become a perennial thing, which would certainly be nice).

So now, if I want to keep the fun going, I have to book some more shit.

It's been surprising to me that, to the extent I'm "succeeding" as an Actor post-Shameless, it's on the commercial side of things (I've booked four commercials since the show wrapped, versus one co-star on American Gigolo).

Why's that surprising, you might ask?

Well, it's mainly because there's been a steady decline in union commercial production for years now, while - I presume - TV production is fairly steady (If you know something different, please let me know).

But I'm not exactly a "numbers guy", so for all I know, as diminished as union commercial production is, it may still outpace TV production.

All that said, I personally just see myself as more "viable" theatrically than commercially.

But maybe I'm wrong.

(It happened once.)


(4:00 pm)

On the mental health front...

In therapy, one of the things I'm currently "working on" is my propensity for self-harm.

It had been quite a while since anything happened that "pushed that button" (Which my Therapist saw as "progress" and I saw as "coincidence"). But recently, in the span of a day or two, I had three episodes that were exactly the kind of thing that pushes that slapping-my-face/clubbing-myself-upside-the-head "button".

1, I put my favorite pair of "readers" (A $30 pair of "multi-focus" glasses that actually fit) in a jacket pocket that had a hole in it, and lost them on the way to Jane's place.

2. I knocked over the frame for my audition backdrop - that I just leave up all the time, because "Why not?" - which then knocked over my thing of paintbrushes (And some clothes I had hanging on it).

3. Went out to grab a few things (At Rite Aid, then Ralphs), armed with one of the two Trader Joes grocery bags Jane gave me a while back - bags that have quickly become my favorite grocery bags, because they're bigger, sturdier, and nicer looking than my old Weight Watchers bags.

I set the bag down at some point to hike up my pants (which I had to do a number of times because the sweats I recently bought online didn't quite fit)...and then I walked off without it.

Each episode took me instantly from "0" to "Furious", as these sorts of episodes do.

But I didn't hit myself.

In the case of the glasses, it probably didn't happen because I was with Jane (I don't do it in front of other people, as a rule - The one time I did, it was because I didn't realize I could still be seen by the person I'd been interacting with).

But in the other two instances, I was alone, but managed to "talk myself down".

Of the two tacks I took in "talking myself down", one came from therapy and the other just came from previous thinking I've engaged in on the matter - And they boil down to, 1) Telling myself, "This is not that big a deal", and, 2) Reminding myself that the behavior "doesn't work" anymore - Instead of providing some kind of "relief" from my anger, it now makes me possibly feel even angrier for having done it.

I by no means think this means I'm "cured" of this ancient, compulsive behavior. But it does encourage me that, in these instances, I was able to "hold out" till the urge had passed (And it feels like it takes a really long time for the urge to pass!).

And, weirdly enough, it kind of feels good, after the fact, to have something hopeful to report to my therapist (Not that nothing has been triggering me, but that a couple things did trigger me...and I still managed not to do it).

And on that note of triumph, I think I will have myself some dinner.

Till next time...



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