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11:54 am - SUN 3/10/02 (I'm only doing this offline right now because, for some reason, I'm always a little embarrassed about doing two entries in a day. Kinda STOOPID, but there it is.) It just occurred to me a moment ago; the one-year anniversary of my arrival here came and went yesterday, and I didn't give it a moment's thought (My one-year anniversary at Borders is NEXT month. My first day on the job was Easter Sunday). My level of fear and resistance to change has been disappointing, and the whole business with the car has been a MAJOR..."challenge". I can't help but wish I were further along than I am at this point. But that said--and I'm not going to say MORE, because the last thing I need right now is to "spiral downward"--It's been a year, and I'm still here (I've heard stories of people who left after a couple months, sometimes sooner, because of how overwhelmed they felt by Los Angeles). I have a job, I have a place to live, and I've even had a few "gigs". I've gotten headshots, sent things out, read books, made some calls. My "Inner Critic" wants to dismiss my good efforts as "not enough" (I think he's also the one who's throwing the extremely negative thoughts my way, thoughts I usually don't even mention in Diaryland because I'm afraid to give voice to them, ashamed of how weak they make me feel). But whatever I have or haven't done, I've put myself "out there". I might be able to do more, but that doesn't negate what I've done already. I've made a good start, and am only going to do better. I felt awkward around Lori yesterday, but I don't think I ACTED like it (On a good note, one of the same things that made it hard to ask her out initially--our schedules--will make it easier to deal with this situation; We really don't work together that much). My "goal" for the future is to be the same guy I was around her BEFORE we had the conversation. Sat 3/9/02 3:18 pm (Offline) Have to leave for work in the next twenty minutes or so... All I seem to want to do these days is THIS. I've been very down the past couple days. Struggling to know what to do do with the deeply depressing, upsetting thoughts that just keep COMING...I'm telling myself "they're just thoughts", and that I can just start thinking NEW thoughts, but...but...I just feel like I'm battling on so many different fronts here--I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm unsatisfied with my life, I'm afraid--and any ONE "challenge" I'm facing right now seems overwhelming. I'm really bothered by the Lori thing. I don't even fully understand WHY, but I am. I guess she's been the first woman in awhile that I felt anything for, and while I knew there would be challenges in having a relationship with her, it didn't feel unreasonable or out-of-the-question. I didn't feel like I was "shooting for the stars", as I've sometimes been accused of doing. But anyway... I'm still wrestling with how to handle my "bad feelings". I know I can't just let them run rampant and ruin my life, but when I try to "keep my sunny side up", oftentimes all I feel like I'm doing is sweeping the "bad stuff" under the rug. I have to get back on the horse about dealing with my sleep problem. Lately, it's been so bad it's hard to focus on anything else, and I'm sure it's one reason why everything in my life right now is feeling so bad (Like my KNEES, for example. I've noticed that when I have a REALLY bad night, my knees have a really bad DAY the following day). I took a stab at dealing with the sleep thing again some time back, when I tried to call Dr Mayhew back in Lansing. But he retired, or died, or something, so what I'm left with is starting the whole process again out here. More doctors, another sleep study, another go with the insurance company, the medical supply place, etc and so forth. And all for a "fix" that didn't seem to solve my problem the first time around (At this point, I'm not sure if what's going on is sleep apnea, some sort of insomnia, or a little of both. It seems like, with my improved diet and exercise out here, it should have at least HELPED with the sleep apnea, but I don't know). But maybe I'm a candidate for one of those "dental appliances" I've heard about. ANYWAY... On a positive note, I called the "car guy" Devin told me about awhile (The guy who fixes and resells old cars for cheap). His message machine was full, so I'll have to give him another try later. (Each time I tell Devin something of my motorcycle plans, he pisses on my parade. It's become apparent that I need to either stop telling Devin about my plans, or else listen to him, and forget about getting a motorcycle.) It's time for me to go. And I didn't even get into my thoughts on "detachment" and "moderation" and all that. Oh well...another time... SUN 3/10/02 8:25 am (Offline) Watching the news, about the violence in the Middle East... I think I "shut down" on the whole issue of the Middle East some time ago. It's just gone on so long, and the two sides seem so intractable, that it's impossible for me to believe there will ever be peace there. I've also pretty much "shut down" on our "War on Terror". For whatever reason, it just doesn't MEAN much to me. It's something happening far from me, to people I don't know. I feel somewhat GUILTY about that on one hand, but on the other hand, I don't know what there really is for me to do about it anyway. One thing that HAS registered with me is what feels like the strain of cynicism and opportunism in our society. I have a distinct, unhappy feeling that the right is using the war to promote its own agenda, while the sale of 9/11 memorabilia makes me feel, once again, like nothing means anything in America until and unless it can be sold at a profit. (END) Just got back from rehearsal a short time ago... I felt pretty good about how things went. I went first, and actually got a little choked up towards the end, but more importantly than that, I felt like I was doing a good job of actually "telling the story" to the other people on stage, and not just doing my lines and playing with myself. After I did my thing, they ran through it again with J.R. (I sat in the audience, sometimes watching, and writing a little in my "book journal"). As I watched, I was watching J.R., and trying to see if there was stuff there for me to gain from, or traps to watch out for, without just making it about how "bad" he is. Sometimes he has moments of almost automatic "credibility", because he IS the older black man the script really indicates. When he gets out of his own way, for a moment here or there, his natural delivery of certain lines sounds way more "real" to me than anything I'm managing to do. But he isn't really CONNECTED to anything. It doesn't come off like he's really FEELING anything from the script, or that he's trying to COMMUNICATE with the other characters on stage. And often, he gets into a thing where he starts racing through the lines, without seeming to give them any thought at all. I also watched the other actors while J.R. was onstage, to see if they seemed motivated to watch him, or if they seemed to be moved by the story he was telling. And it might sound pretty self-serving to say this--and the viewpoint from onstage is different than sitting in the audience--but I thought the other actors had been better with me than with J.R.; they have a good chemistry with each other, whichever one of us is onstage, but I didn't feel like there was anything REAL happening between them and J.R.'s "Mr Bryant". So what's that mean to ME? Well, I guess it's a motivator to keep trying to "keep it real". To not get caught up in my own thing, but to make it about working WITH the other actors on stage. Make sure I'm not just skating over the lines without THINKING about them, FEELING them. Keep working on making lines and bits of business that aren't "working" for me just yet ORGANIC. I left rehearsal feeling good; Given half a shot, I CAN act. I don't want to make it sound like I'm God's gift to the theater here, because there still are any number of things I'm feeling awkward about, but I feel pretty confident that I'm going to be able to get out onstage when the time comes and not embarrass myself or the piece. (I'm so TIRED...) I've noticed that I'm doing what I do once I get a project, which is to stop LOOKING for anything. I haven't sent out a headshot this month, I haven't looked at "Backstage" or "The Ross Reports" or any of that. Why not? Because it's not FUN. Because I feel a little skittish after the grad film thing. Because I don't want to "overbook" myself, with work and this show and some third thing. Because I don't have faith in myself to keep all those balls in the air. But I have to get ON the ball, and move a little faster here. As much as humanly possible, I think I should always have the next thing lined up, or at least some possibilities lined up, before whatever I'm doing at the moment is over. One good step; I called back the "car guy" (Greg Loew is his name). He was pretty nice, and after some conversation about what I was in the market for--I said something dependable under $2000 (And in the Toyota or Honda family of vehicles)--we seemed to settle in on a Toyota Tercel. He said it was possible to get what I want for the money I want, and that the good thing about the Tercel is that even when things go wrong, it's never anything major. Which was just what I wanted to hear. He doesn't HAVE one right now, but he knows someone who might. He asked me to call him back on Monday, and he'd make the call. That would be pretty cool. Truth to tell, if that vehicle is OUT there, I'd much rather have that than a motorcycle I'm likely to KILL myself on (Though I am also prepared, if it comes down to it, to get that motorcycle and take my chances). I just need SOLUTIONS here. I absolutely have to start making decisions, hope for the best, and go from there. And probably the best decision I could make right now is to stop this and haul my ass to work...
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