11:35 pm - Tues 9.22.2009
Too Much \"Thinking Time\"

A "blue" day.

Still not enough members at the Tuesday morning WW meeting to justify a second receptionist, so I didn't have that going on.

And I didn't have any auditions either.

So basically, it's been a long, lonely, kind of pointless day.

I should feel at least a little better than I do about today - I did the dishes, took out the garbage, did the recycling, cleaned the cat's litter-box, paid bills, got three gallons of water, and followed up on Saturday's workshop (by sending out emails to Brett and Sharon letting them know I'd made the connection, and to the casting person herself, to thank her for appearing at ACG and giving me such a fun scene to do) - but I just felt lonely and bored and anxious, and like whatever I was doing, I should have been doing something else.

Was kind of bummed going into today because of Monday's night stand-up class.

It went okay, I guess, but I was kind of bummed that I still have stuff that doesn't work, and stuff that was working that apparently isn't working anymore. I'd like this shit to be "performance ready" at some point before I actually have to get up onstage to perform it.

I feel like I've made some "tactical blunders" with the way I've handled this class, and the work of this class. And now, with basically a week till the showcase, it feels like there's not much to do but "hope for the best", and that's not how I'd hoped this would go - I don't really want to go up on stage, doing anything, thinking "Well, I hope it'll work...", but here I am.

I'd rather feel like, "Yeah! This is gonna kick ass!"...and that's definitely not what I'm feeling right at the moment.

But anyway (I want to write more about stand-up at some point, but not right now)...I have an audition tomorrow for I'm In The Band so that's a good thing...

I guess.

It's another Aftra show, so that means, should I book it, I'm going to have to pay up on my back dues.

Which means I won't make any real money from it - In real terms, I'll probably lose money by doing it.

I guess I just have to hope, should I get it, that the credit will help me, the experience will help me, and showing myself to good advantage in this casting office (Goldwasser/Melzer) will help me (To my recollection, I've never got called in by them before).

And it's a cute little part - An "under-five" as "John The Exterminator", who's manning a booth at a Job Fair.

I'm just hungry right now, hungry to book something that "moves me forward", hungry for that role that combines the acting showcase I want with the money I need.

(Basically, I want to be called in for something like what I did at Saturday's workshop. And of course, I want to book it.)

But beyond acting and money, and what I want to have happen and what I need to have happen, I'm just feeling...I don't know what...

I guess I just want more. More from life, more from myself.

I just want more - More acting, more fun, more love, more energy, more happiness (And more money, but I think I've already made that pretty clear).

And I feel as if I'm trying...but clearly, I have to try harder. I've got to push past my emotional stuff, and my constant fatigue, and make things happen.

Make the things I want happen.

But right now I'd settle for a good night's sleep...

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