Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

11:15 AM - Sun 10.25.20

Not How I'd Imagined It...But It Still Counts

(Listening to "Talk Heathen" on YouTube - The guy calling in right now says he grew up Atheist then became a Christian, which I have a very hard time understanding, having gone hard the other way. But anyway...)

Not much going on these days - The most exciting "real-world development" lately is a Target opening on Sunset and Western, which is walking distance from my apartment (If you're up for a 2-mile plus walk) - but I've decided to make this a more regular discipline, so I'm gonna "give you what I got", regardless.

There is the little matter of a national election coming up (Which is definitely a "real-world development", though whether it's "exciting" or not I'll leave up to you).

Though I've tried to tone it down, I'm basically a "slacktivist", presenting as more "politically engaged" than I really am - I haven't voted yet (but am going to), I've made a few small donations to Democratic candidates in key races, I post some anti-Trump/anti-Right shit on Facebook (Though again, I try to keep it to a dull roar), and that's about it for my participation in politics.

But that said, I think this is the most important election I will ever have participated in because I don't think this country can weather another four years of the most destructive Presidency in my lifetime (I know Reagan and Dubya did a lot of damage, but neither of them, near as I recall, directly threatened the institution of Democracy itself).

And apparently like a lot of Democrats, I'm experiencing a pretty high level of anxiety about the election, even as polling seems to suggest Democrats in general - and Biden in particular - are in a good position to win.

Because that's what happened last time - Polling strongly suggested Hillary was going to win.

And then she didn't.

I've been leery - and sometimes actively angry - at polling ever since. I don't think it's particularly healthy that the media reports on politics like it's a sporting event instead of something substantially more important than the Kentucky Derby or the Superbowl.

But I agree with pundits that the circumstances are different this time around - Trump has had four years to fuck things up (Most notably with the pandemic), it's hard to play the bomb-throwing outsider when you've been an insider the past four years, it's next-to-impossible to demonize Biden the way they did to Hillary, etc

Nevertheless, I'm very concerned - We've had the Electoral College fuck over the majority twice now, so that's an issue, but beyond that, there's the very real issue of Republican fuckery at the polls, of legal battles over every Democratic vote, the Conservative Supreme Court ending up picking our President, etc.

And I don't really see an answer to those concerns (Oh, one more concern - violence in the streets if, and hopefully when, Trump loses) other than such a decisive victory for the Democrats that it overwhelms any potential chicanery.

(On the "violence in the streets" thing - While I'm not predicting "Civil War II", in a world where the POTUS tells a far-right group to "stand back and stand by", routinely jokes about "12 more years", and stokes violence and division at every turn, I'd frankly be shocked if there wasn't some level of violence, on election day and beyond. Cause that's what happens when the POS holding the highest office in the land is a sociopath who gives aid and comfort to the dumbest and meanest among us, as long as they'll vote for him.)

There's nothing to do but vote, really, but this time out it somehow doesn't seem like enough.

But it's all I've got...I think.

I was thinking earlier about what impact another four years of Donald Trump might have on me...

In a practical sense, my worry would be Social Security and Medicare and Public Assistance benefits being threatened when I might need them the most (i.e. in a post-Shameless, post-regular day job landscape).

(While I want to believe bigger and better things could still happen for me with acting, they might not. And if they don't, I don't want my life, over the next four years, to depend on the tender mercies of The Supreme Leader and his army of flying monkey Republicans.)

But beyond my own personal concerns for my health and well-being, which are considerable (I don't want to die for the crime of being old and poor), I just don't want to live in a country where the biggest liar and cheat and most miserable excuse for a human being in public life wins the highest public office (twice).

And I don't want to live in a country run by anger and hate against basically anyone who isn't a rich old straight white man. I want to live in a democracy, not a theocracy, or a kleptocracy or any of that bullshit.

In a nutshell, I just don't want the bad guys to win again, and fuck up the country even more than they have, maybe to the point it's unrecognizable.



Talked to Jane R. after "Church" today (FTR, it's been a pretty typical Sunday, centered mostly around "Church" - Beyond that, about the only productive energy I've expended today has been on this)

And as we talked, I found myself getting depressed - I don't think it was anything she said (I always enjoy talking to her) but that, beyond the new Target, there's nothing going on in my life I'm excited about, so there was nothing very interesting to share.

I've had a lot of auditions this month - and among them a "live" one! - but haven't "made the sale" on any of them.

And I've got a Shameless coming up sometime soon (I'm imagining next week), but it's a "peanut gallery" episode, as my buddy Mike might say. So while it'll be nice to be on-set and collect a paycheck, it's less-exciting than some of the episodes we've already shot where there was more to do.

And the documentary is such a series of question marks ("When will it be done?", "When will we start submitting to places, and who's going to accept it, and will any of these things be live, or will we just be on a series of Zoom panels?", "Is anyone beyond film festivals - if they're still a thing - going to take an interest in it? And if so, who?", "If Jane doesn't make a profit on this, will she at least make her money back?", "Will the film do anything for me, beyond give me bragging rights that, 'Hey, I was in a documentary once...'?") that, at the moment, it's almost a thing to be more anxious about than anything.

Nothing bad is happening, really...but nothing good is happening either, at least not in the sense of something happening that could change things in a meaningful way.

This period of time is maybe the worst time since I've moved to LA to crave a development that "moves the ball forward" (Question to myself: Other than a big change in my acting fortunes, like booking a series regular gig, what else could happen that would "move the ball forward"? I honestly have no idea).

But while no huge good fortune has fallen into my lap, that doesn't mean nothing good is happening...

I've been drawing more lately, and have been very happy with the last couple of drawings I've done.

(I draw a lot of portraits from photographs, but I've also drawn a lot of "imaginary" faces that are more "cartoony", using "guidelines" for the placement of features. But recently, I've done the "guidelines" when starting a drawing from a photograph, and it seems to make a big difference.)

I'm also happy that, prompted by Jane, I learned more about "drawing stumps" (Which I've recently taken to employing in my drawing), then went on to watch a YouTube video about drawing pencils and what the numbers and letters mean (I've been saying "I need to learn more about drawing, because I don't know how to do this or that or the other thing" then doing nothing about it. So me watching actual instructional videos is a good thing. I also have nineteen - nineteen! - books on drawing I imagine I could make some use of, if I actually want to get better at drawing).

And in health news, I have accepted an offer of free assistance from a friend who is now a "life coach", regarding my weight.

I was reticent, for various and sundry reasons, but I finally decided "Why not?" and am glad I did - We talked recently for the first time, and I immediately had a couple helpful strategies to work with I probably wouldn't have come up with on my own.

I think the suggestions, and the accountability, are going to be helpful.

And Jane is coming back to LA in a couple weeks.

She'll be here for just five days - I'm used to her often staying for weeks - but it'll be five days of fun, whether we're doing voiceovers for the film, just hanging out, or having a mini "film-festival" at Cary's place.

And while I might have said this before, I think it bears repeating - During the pandemic, my biggest wish has come true: I actor.

Not an Actor/Weight-Watchers Employee.

Not an Actor/Movie-Theater Usher

Not an Actor/Bookseller

An Actor.

It's not happened quite the way I'd imagined, but I'm gonna say it counts.

And on that note, it's taken me the lion's-share of the day to get this done, and I have other shit to do, so I'm going to leave things there.

Just because nothing "big" is happening doesn't mean life isn't good.

(But that said, that big Series Regular role that changes everything? If that could happen sooner rather than later, that would be great.)

Till next time...



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!