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9:13 AM - Mon 11.04.19

Connecting With You/Connecting With Me

Anyone who follows me here knows this time of year can pose some...challenges. As l often say (And just said to someone yesterday), "It feels like the year is over before it's over".

Production slows to a stop - though it's not like I've been in high demand in recent years anyway - and the year becomes all about "the holidays", which (depending on the year) I'm either indifferent to or find painful to some degree.

Shameless wrapped a little over a week ago, and already I feel a growing wave of anxiety over the money train coming to a halt for the year (And am wondering how much more anxiety I'm gonna feel when Shameless wraps forever - There's gonna be a season 11, but beyond that, who knows? But it feels safe to say the show is not going to last forever, and like Yours Truly, is closer to the end than the beginning).

But, "growing wave of anxiety" aside, as of this writing there are still a couple Shameless checks in the pipeline, I currently have as much money in the bank as I ever do, and I have two auditions coming up (Commercial one for McDonald's today, and a nice one for the show Good Girls tomorrow).

So I'm not quite dead - or homeless - yet.

But I am feeling this might be a good time to rein in the spending - In spite of myself, I tend to become more profligate with my money when I'm shooting the show, when said money is coming in hand-over-fist, comparatively speaking.

(I'm not talking "sports cars and expensive vacations" profligate - It's more like "action figures and junk jewelry and over-reliance on Lyft" profligate. "Amazon purchases more for entertainment than necessity" profligate.)

Feel like I need to remind myself of something I've said in here before - One of the big secrets to how I've managed to stay in LA for 18 years is "I don't go anywhere or do anything".

So it seems I may need to add to that, "...and I don't buy a lot of stupid shit I don't actually need".

In addition to the usual reasons I have to not look forward to this time of year, I've also wondered about not having Jane/the documentary to occupy my time/distract me for the next couple months.

But so far - and granted, it's only been a little more than a week since we were last together - that doesn't seem like it'll be a problem, or at least not as much of one as I envisioned.

The two of us are "communicators", so my sense is that there'll be a lot of texting and talking on the phone before we do the West Virginia thing in January, and again when that's done and she's editing the film with David (Regarding the latter, pretty sure she'll want/need to keep me apprised of things, both because she'll want me to know, and because she'll need someone to share the joys and frustrations of the process with - I think she's nervous on that end, because the collaborative process of editing with David hasn't really started yet and she doesn't really know what their "working relationship" will be like).

It won't be the same as hanging out with her and "doing the thing", but it also won't be like first I'm having this weird "relationship" with her (Cause let's be honest - It is weird) then going into "radio silence" for the better part of 2020.

But it is interesting to consider that, while I've become antsy for this project to be done - from "start" to "finished film" to "playing at film festivals" (Then, hopefully, playing on Netflix or Amazon or some such place) it could be the better part of two years before anyone actually sees this thing, and I'm just not used to that kind of "lag time" - it will undoubtedly be something of a "situation" for me when shooting has concluded.

But for now, there's more to talk about and more to do, so I can table the "separation anxiety" for now.

There's not really a lot of other news to report - at least nothing I think is worth sharing - but I do think it's of some interest that I've decided to resume writing a private journal.

It's something I've thought about over the years, without taking much action on.

But - In spite of the fact that I already had a number of notebooks and various blank journal books - I recently bought a Moleskine journal, and wrote my first entry...which basically amounted to "I've decided I'm going to do this" without any real "content" per se.

But it's a start, right?

I've just decided that there's too much I can't write about in a public forum, and I feel a need to "get it out".

I've taken stabs at it in the past without much happening - I think I've gotten somewhat used to "having an audience" (At least theoretically) so have struggled with the feeling of "Why am I writing shit no one's gonna ever read?".

But this time feels different, because I can see clearly that there's me writing in here, and communicating my thoughts and feelings "outward"...and me writing in a private journal, and communicating my thoughts and feelings to myself.

And while I haven't started that second entry yet, I find myself "thinking about it" a lot, in much the same way that I "think about" writing in here a lot in the time between entries.

In any case, I'm enthused about it, in the sense that "it will be interesting to see what happens" (And if anyone's concerned, I don't plan to stop writing in here. Like I said, I think the two journals will have different, though complementary, functions. I expect I will continue to want to "connect" with the world as I endeavor to better "connect' with myself).

Till next time...


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