10:03 pm - Sun 12.21.2008
The Hoffmaster Variations

(As I begin, I'm listening to JS Bach's "Goldberg Variations", hoping it'll add a high-toned gloss to the proceedings...)

Went to my Weight Watcher member meeting today.

Not knowing the S.0.P. for "Lifetime" members and meetings - Once you're "Lifetime", do you still go to meetings, or are you a pathetic loser if you still go to meetings? - I've basically "split the difference" (Today was only the second meeting I've attended since hitting "Lifetime" last month).

But according to the testimony of other "Lifetime" members today, if you quit going to meetings, like they did (And like a lot of people do, apparently), you're likely to backslide, and end up back at meetings anyway, only substantially larger than when you got your little "Lifetime" key.

So there you are.

Anyway, I'm doing well - I weighed 187 lbs.

My official WW weight goal is 195 lbs, but I decided late in the game to keep my actual weight closer to 190 lbs (So while the official WW line is that they want you within two lbs of your goal weight in either direction - up or down - in this case, I say screw Weight Watchers; I'm pretty happy with 187 lbs).

It was a good meeting, with the theme of what went right in the past year - What you were proud of yourself for, what you learned, etc. - in relation to weight loss and such, and I felt I had some good things to offer when Lynn called upon me.

(The big thing I learned in the past year? That I can have a goal...and actually see that goal through to completion. Pretty big stuff for me.)

So far, I've managed to stay upright, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself at this point.

Or at least I wish it were.

That time's come later than usual this year...but "that time" is here.

Cary and Kay are gone, back to Michigan for the rest of the year.

Ditto for Molly (Not back to Michigan - she's actually from New York state - but you know what I mean).

So there's no one to invite me to their place for Xmas (Those are the only two places I'd feel comfortable going anyway).

Auditions, which were not exactly jumping in the first place (In part because I had to book out twice in the past month or so for medical crap), typically slow to a stop till the new year.

(So the dream of booking the gig, the one that will pay the bills, propel me to stardom, and maybe even get me laid, is dead till 2009.)

Javier, my therapist, is gone (Out of country) till the middle of next year (So so much for having a person to vent my holiday angst to...).

And "my stories", as it amuses me to call them, go into repeats (In some cases, until February), just when I need them the most (So much for having a distraction from the previously-mentioned "holiday angst").

(The "Goldberg Variations" weren't as long as I thought, so, in keeping with our Classical theme this evening, I've moved on to Chopin...)

I even feel somewhat estranged from Jane, since, as the matriarch of a family growing exponentially larger by the year, she's way too busy to have time for chatting/emailing.

Seriously, if I could afford it, I'd check myself into a hospital, and have them keep me under constant sedation until January 2nd.

But I can't.

So here we are.

But really, I'm over-dramatizing my "holiday angst" at this point.

I've really already talked myself off that particular emotional ledge, partially by down-playing the whole holiday "thing" (Good, bad, or indifferent - and I've had all three over the years - the holidays are really just days, and one way or the other, I get through them every year), and partially by playing up the "silver lining" of nothing going on/having nowhere to go for the holidays.

Yes, poor Jim has nowhere to go for Xmas, but he also doesn't have to go anywhere he doesn't want to go, do anything he doesn't want to do, or deal with anyone he'd rather not deal with - And I'll take a nice Xmas day by myself over one where I'm stuck somewhere where I feel uncomfortable and out-of-place, any time.

And I feel, unlike other years, that I've thought of a pretty good "Xmas present" for myself - there are a half-dozen movies I want to see right now, and I'm giving myself permission to see them all this week.

It's a little indulgent, but not insanely so - that's a "present" that'll probably cost me less than $75 (Three of the movies only seem to be at ArcLight) - and if you can't indulge yourself at Xmas-time, when can you?

And it's going to be fun to go to Target with Cary and Kay's gift card.

And it's always fun for me to get Mark and Jane's "Xmas box" (A potpourri of little gifts and treats).

And not to be corny or anything, but things could definitely be worse - I have food, and a roof over my head, and the hope of better days ahead, which is more than a lot of people can say, any time of the year.

Well, I read something recently that said if you want to be a successful blogger, your entries shouldn't be too long, so I'm going to put Chopin back in his CD case, and wrap things up.

I'll probably be back before C-Day arrives (Another thing that article on blogging said was that, to be a successful blogger, you have to blog on a regular basis) but if I'm not, happy holidays to one and all, wherever you are and whenever you read this.

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