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7:34 pm - Sat 2.02.2013 No auditions this past week. But, I will be doing a little something very early tomorrow morning; after some technical and scheduling delays, I'm shooting my last bit in Cary's movie, The Borderlands, at a bookstore in Long Beach (A bit which, if not for one of said delays, would have been my first bit in the movie, instead of my last). My call is 4 am, which I just can't make myself be happy about...but it's a brief bit, and I'll probably be back home by mid-morning, where I can doze and watch tv to my heart's content, till I meet up with my friend Pat in the evening (To discuss our latest book-club book, the self-help classic, How To Win Friends and Influence People). Since they'll be doing some close-ups this time, they'll be going a little more heavy-duty on the makeup, which should be interesting (I was pretty impressed with the air-brushed makeup Steph did on me the first time around - I posted some pics of myself on Facebook - but now she'll be doing some prosthetic stuff as well). Beyond that I'm just, as I often tell people who ask, "waiting for the next exciting thing to happen". (At some point, I should start thinking more in terms of making some "exciting thing" happen...) I was wondering the other day, "Do I get depressed because I think depressing thoughts, or do I think depressing thoughts as a way of explaining why I feel so bad?". I used to just automatically assume the former, but now I'm not so sure - Many's the time I've felt bad, really bad (Like I want to cry for no particular reason), and actively wondered why, since "Nothing's any worse than it was yesterday, when you felt okay". I'm starting to think that, yes, I have some issues involving the unhappy places where my thoughts congregate, but I also have a "biochemical" problem. And I think maybe I should try to "see someone" again - someone I could talk to who can also either prescribe medication, or refer me to someone who can. It's something I'm thinking about...cause things have been kind of bad for awhile now. It's 9:15. I should probably try to get some sleep...but if I can't sleep at a normal hour, not sure how well I'm going to do going to bed now. But I should probably try. The frustrating thing about the way I don't sleep now is that I often feel like I'm in "the worst of all possible worlds" - Too awake to sleep, and too sleepy to ever be happy that I'm awake. Take watching TV, for example - Lately, I can't seem to lay in bed and watch tv, whatever I'm watching, without dozing off...but even then, I don't just fall asleep (I'd be okay with that, at this juncture); I'm awake in minutes, having missed a 10 or 15 minute chunk of the show. I can't nap anymore, no matter how tired I feel. I've even wondered at times if I'm actually more "awake" than I think, and my feeling of "fatigue" is actually, I don't know, an issue with my eyes or something (I did recently go to have my eyes examined for the first time in my adult life, and to my chagrin, discovered I'm a touch farsighted). But I don't think that's it. My body aches, I feel weak, I'm depressed most of the time...if this ain't "fatigue", it's doing a pretty good imitation. Anyway, I'd better get to bed, and at least give myself a chance here...
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