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6:53 pm - Mon 6.27.2011
Nothing's Changed/Everything's Changed

Nothing's Changed/Everything's Changed

Since it's been almost a week since my last entry, I'm clearly still working on my journaling "issue" (aka "Where Has My Journal Writing Gone?").

I don't want to disappear up my own a-hole about this - Clearly, in the great scheme of things, how much I journal, or if I journal all, doesn't mean shit - but I did realize a couple days ago, that it means something to me.

I liken it to my similar issue with reading; something I've really enjoyed, something that saved my life at one point, is now on life-support, because I'm perpetually tired and distracted.

And, like with reading, I shouldn't just let it fall by the wayside and die; I need to journal. It enriches my life.

If you get something from my journal - and I hope you do, however many of you are left - that's nice...but I've really got to do this for me.

I don't like who I am without it.

That said, I'm continuing to feel better these days.

This is something that really shouldn't be news "this far down the road", but the fact that I'm feeling better while nothing has really changed, once again suggests "It's all in my head" (Or at the very least, that it's "mostly in my head").

So what, in my head, has "changed"?

On a couple fronts, I've taken action where I was previously frozen by anxiety - The biggest example right now being proceeding on the surgery front (It's scheduled for a week from Friday) in spite of various and sundry concerns regarding pain, expense, potential missed auditions, and so forth.

That's a good thing to remember - When I'm feeling anxious about things, doing something (anything really) about the thing I'm feeling anxious about, seems to help.

My two Groups seem to be helping, because they've also got me in the mindset that "You really have to do things for anything to happen; wishing for it, thinking about it, isn't enough".

And this continues to be uncomfortable for me to say, but that little girl's death in Lansing has, bizarrely, made me feel better about my own life - For one thing, I continue to have a life, and "where there's life, there's hope".

And, from the perspective of the little girl's parents, I realized, as I think I said in my last entry, that when I look at what they're going through, I don't have any "problems" - I certainly will someday, cause everyone does, but right now, at this moment, I have a lot of worries...but not a single real problem.

And there's clearly a difference.

But speaking of "worries" and "problems", it's time for me to head off to my Monday night Group...


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