10:11 pm - Tues 6.21.2011
Where to start...?
Was feeling "angst-y" about those last two entries, to where I almost wrote a third "angst-y" entry, explaining and elaborating-on (and half apologizing-for) the first two entries.
Sounds awful, doesn't it?
I don't want to disappear down that particular rabbit-hole; It tires me out just thinking about it...
Anyway, I'm still "struggling" somewhat - in part because of a commercial audition today that didn't go the way I'd hoped (That didn't help "calm my nerves" about money matters) - but I'd say I'm doing much better than I was when writing those previous entries.
And it struck me that two things in particular - one pretty trivial, one unimaginably profound - went a long way towards this "attitude adjustment".
In addition to letting my thoughts run away with me on the "Alzheimer's" front, I've been fretting pretty ferociously about money(Particularly after a $550 car bill, and in advance of a $294 health insurance premium payment), and have been almost equally anxious about the idea of having my ENT Dr. perform some more "procedures" on my "N" and "T" (Like the idea of maybe being able to sleep; don't like anything else about it).
Anyway, at the same time all this was brewing, I developed a problem with my cell phone - I suddenly wasn't able to access my email (And one of the reasons I switched to Metro PCS - from AT&T - was specifically because of the unlimited talk/text/web feature; with AT&T I'd been paying, on average, an extra $20-25 a month just to check my email, which I did constantly).
I don't have the time or inclination to get into just how ignorant I am about matters like this (And it's pretty embarrassing) - Let's just say I messaged a tech-savvy friend back in MI about my problem, and he helped me out.
And having that little "issue" be solved - probably the least significant thing of all the things that have been troubling me lately - seemed, to a certain degree, to unblock the "logjam" in my mind, or at least shift things a little (I don't know, maybe I thought, "If that had a fix, maybe these other things will have 'fixes' too...").
Then I heard the news from Lansing...
Laura and Jeff C., who I know from community theater, recently lost their 8-year old daughter Tori in a drowning accident.
When I heard about it, one of the things I thought was how the awfulness of it was "beyond my scope" - I know on an intellectual level that this is a horrible thing, the worst thing that can happen to parents.
But I don't have kids, and there's nothing in my life, that could happen in my life - Short of losing my own life, the worst thing that could happen to me is the death of one of the people I feel closest to.
The difference is, I didn't give birth to Cary. I didn't raise Jane. I didn't have hopes and dreams for the kind of person Kevin would be when he grew up.
It makes me realize I don't understand the depth of their tragedy...and never could.
While it feels beyond trite to say "It gives you some perspective" - and not just "trite", but borderline offensive (I don't think this little girl died just so I could get "an important life lesson") - it did make me think about how my "issues" are all about my fear of what might happen, fears of my own potential destruction, and not about anything real at all.
While what's happened to Jeff and Laura is about as real as it gets.
Weds 6/22/11 (7:52 am)
Have been up for a little more than an hour.
Just wrote Jane (She asked me if I'd heard my friend Kevin's good news, which I had - He was one of the "good people" who prompted my last entry).
Told her that I was moving towards making my next - and hopefully final round of "procedures" a reality; Cary's not available till the end of July, due to work, and I wanted to make it happen, if possible, before then (Because of fall tv), so I asked my friend Pat if he could help me out with the transport.
And he said yes...which made me wonder why I was extremely hesitant to ask (Pat's a very nice guy). But that's stuff for another time...
I have to find fills for that weekend - I'm shooting for the eighth for the surgery - and then we're "off to the races".
I'm happy I'm "pulling the trigger" on this - I've felt a lot of anxiety about doing this again (Especially after infections last time led to months of discomfort), but the fear (Of pain, expense, what-have-you) has to be trumped by the hope of a life where I'm rested; I think it's hard to over-estimate what a difference that would make in my life.
Just took a break to get ready for work...
While I was cleansing myself, I thought about how, in the here-and-now - and this is almost always the case - I don't have any real problems.
Example: When the brakes started to go on my car, that was a problem...but then I took the car in to the shop, the brakes were fixed, I paid for them, and now they're not a problem.
But I tend to scoot past that, and go right to the worry (Or as I was just thinking of it, the "pre-problem") of thinking "As a result of this expense, I might run out of money".
But I have a job. I have money in the bank. I have at least one check coming in (For a re-run of my Parks and Recreation episode). And I always have the potential of auditions and bookings.
I don't have a problem - I have a "pre-problem".
I live in a perpetual state of "pre-problem readiness".
But to be blunt? That shit ain't helping - It's not getting me "ready" for anything but an early grave.
Which makes my new Group, focusing on "Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy", a pretty positive thing in my life - Cause as I've just suggested, my problems are all about the thoughts I'm thinking.
And even my old Group has taken a turn for the better, in terms of giving me something that I think is helpful (Beyond just having someplace to go on Monday nights) - We now have "goals" and mine is to "get out of my apartment" (And do something that has social potential) at least twice a month.
The place I got to with my friend Kevin - when his good news had me struggling not to feel sad about my ongoing sorry state of alone-ness - was that he totally deserves his good fortune, and not just because he's a good guy (Which he is); Kevin roused himself to take action He "put himself out there", and since he is a good guy, someone was bound to take notice eventually.
I'd say the main reason I don't have what I want in life, and have a lot of what I don't want in life, is fear - In some really critical areas, I've given in to it...and here I am (Alone, unfulfilled, and almost constantly worried about something).
I think, as a way to go through life, I've given "fear" a really good chance to prove its worth.
It doesn't work too well.
Time to try something else...
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