11:14 AM - Sun 11.22.20

(As I begin, I am "going to church", as I describe the weekly ritual of watching my favorite atheist call-in shows on YouTube. And today it's more like my experiences of actually going to church than usual - Instead of paying attention, I'm doing this, "checking in" periodically to see if anything interesting is happening.)

(Substitute "reading a book" - or a comic book, if I could get away with it - for "doing this" and that's pretty much how I dealt with actual church back-in-the-day.)

Jane R. left town Wednesday morning - and expects this most recent trip to LA will be her last for the year - so I've been feeling slightly bereft (I mean, it's not like she's died or anything. And we communicate with each other on pretty much a daily basis. But still...).

I have somewhat stepped up my creative pursuits again - drawing in particular - but with no Jane (and no Shameless till next month - after sitting out the sixth and seventh episodes, I'm back for eight and nine) time is weighing a little heavy on my hands.

One fun thing that happened when Jane was here is that the three of us (The two of us plus Seth, our DP) went to Cary's place and had a mini-" film festival", enjoying a screening of his short film, The Caddy, then our thing.

Jane's screened the film for a small group of friends before (and sent it out for a few others to preview), but it was my first time seeing it in front of anyone but Jane and Seth (Cary is featured in the documentary fairly prominently - In my view, he's one of the most important people in the documentary who aren't me, since he both knows me better than most and is the one person who "bridges the divide" between my life back in Michigan and my life now).

(And suddenly I'm wondering - Have I written about this already...? I think I have...)

It was great fun - the company was lovely (the three of us, Cary, his wife Kay, and Kay's mother Corinne), the snacks were enjoyable, and both films were very well received by the people seeing them for the first time - and I was very happy it happened.

But it left me hungrier-than-ever for the film to be seen by strangers - I certainly appreciated people enjoying the film and saying lovely things about it afterward (As I said to Jane, I see Cary as a "firm-but-fair critic" so his opinion, particularly, mattered a great deal to me), but no viewing in front of friends and well-wishers is going to tell us what happens when a group of strangers, who don't know Jane and don't know me, set down to watch Acting Like Nothing Is Wrong.

I don't even trust my own opinion anymore, to be honest - I've seen it a number of times now and, while I imagine I can watch what I'm seeing at this point somewhat dispassionately, the reality is I'm way too "close" to it to "see it for the first time".

I know me too well.

(And I was there when we were shooting it.)

(4:30 pm)

(Well, there have been a few "breaks in the action" - at one point I got involved in "church", then an Amazon package with some action figures I shouldn't have bought came, and I had to "unbox" and play with those a bit - and I'm considering going down to see if the laundry room is open, because I could stand to do a couple loads. But my work here does not feel complete, even as - at the moment - I can't think of what else I want to write about...)

Have my first appointment with a cardiologist tomorrow.

"My cardiologist" is a phrase I'm not happy about having to start using in conversation, but here we are (Actually, tomorrow is not my first appointment - It's my first "in-person" appointment. My first interaction with The Good Doctor was over the phone maybe three months ago).

Not walking in as a model patient - When we spoke on the phone, one of the main things I was supposed to do before seeing him was to lose some weight...and I haven't lost a fucking ounce.

I've had months to lose weight, my present-day life would be greatly improved by losing weight, and I'm looking at serious health issues going forward if I don't lose weight...but I haven't lost weight (If anything, in some respects, I've lost steam over the past couple months - My exercising has gone to shit, for example).

But I have started working with Lynn K - The Weight Watchers leader I lost my weight with the first time around, who's offered her private coaching services gratis - I am seriously thinking about my food for the first time in a long time, and I know the exercise (s) that appeals to me that I can jump back into immediately.

But more than the health stuff, as serious as it potentially is, I want to lose weight to feel better about myself (Also have to consider what being seriously overweight does to my acting career, which is something I still would very much like to have).

I don't want to feel like a fat, tired mess. I don't want to hurt all the time.

I want to run the fucking ship.

And I'm the only one who can.

Mon 11/23/2020 (6:00 pm)

So, saw the cardiologist - Dr Bokhoor (sp?) - earlier today.

I wasn't thrilled to be there, in part because I was embarrassed at how little I've done since we first spoke.

But he was a pleasant enough fella - He didn't beat me about the head-and-shoulders for my shortcomings (Ex. I was supposed to get bloodwork done before I saw him and forgot about it).

He didn't have any concerns when he listened to my heart, and he scheduled me for a return visit in six months because he wasn't too worried about my current situation...which, in part, could have been because I gave "my current situation" a shiny coat-of-paint ( ex. While I did get more exercise in the week Jane was here than usual, my exercise in general has dropped off quite a bit in the past few months. And while I can honestly say I've made good strides in not living on coffee and Coke Zero - mostly Coke Zero - overeating is still very much a thing).

It was nice to be able to say that I'm "working with someone" on the food stuff - a former coworker at WW is helping me get back on track - and the Dr gave me the name of a calorie-counting app that some of his other patients have had success with that I think I'm going to try (Which reminds me - I left the after-visit report in the car, which is why I don't know the name of the app. But I'll have it downloaded before evening's end).

And I was very happy when the EKG turned out fine (The whole impetus for seeing a cardiologist was that the last EKG showed my heart slipping in more beats than strictly necessary).

That was gratifying, because it seemed to suggest that efforts to reduce my caffeine intake - and some days are better than others - had an effect (Has to be that, because I haven't done anything else).

So I left in a better mood than when I went in (Before I left for the appointment, I got some other embarrassing/lightly depressing news from my apartment manager...but I'll save that for next time).

In general, I just have to "get on the stick" more.

About everything

But it doesn't have to happen all at once. Because it can't.

I just have to be "working on it".

And that's as good a note to close on as any.

Till next time...

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