|
|
5:31 pm - Mon 2/25/02 But I also check my e-mail obsessively. I log on several times a day, checking my Freenet e-mail, then my hotmail account, then my diaryland guestbook (The last thing is particularly sad, since signings in my guestbook are, in general, few and far between). Over the past few days, I've limited the number of times I check my voice mail while I'm at work, and I think that's a good thing; I need to treat my voice mail as a business tool, not as my ticket to "Fantasy Island" (BTW, did it ever bother you that every single fantasy lived out on the show ended up SUCKING, while teaching some moral lesson in the process? Something about that was very off-putting to me; Would it have KILLED them to have someone live out their fantasy and have it be really, really COOL?). I think I also need to impose some sort of limitation on the e-mail checking as well. I actually find the e-mail obsession a little stranger, and more pathetic, than the voicemail thing; with the voicemail, I have a pretty clear idea what I'm looking for--a "magic bullet" to solve all my problems--even if it's extremely unlikely that I'll get it, but with the e-mail, it's just about me being an insatiable bundle of NEED. I don't think any "deliverance" is coming via e-mail, I just need minute-by-minute confirmation that people care about me, that I'm not going to be forgotten out here. Again, it's something that isn't coming from a good PLACE, if you know what I'm saying. _________________________________________________ I went to bed sometime after 2 a.m. this morning. I woke up sometime around 6, and have pretty much been up ever since (If you call the way I'm feeling right now being "up"). So I haven't exactly been at my bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed BEST today. I DID manage to sweep, vaccuum, and mop the floors today...though I think that was a sideways maneuver to avoid looking at my lines (Amazing how quickly something you think you want to do becomes just another BURDEN, isn't it?). (I also used the fact that Chris was coming over as incentive to clean...even though Chris doesn't typically come in when he drops by, because he can never find a place to park, and today was no exception. So it was really "faux-incentive", but who cares? It did the trick!) I also just finished doing a load of laundry...which WOULD have been TWO loads, but two of the four washers were in use when I got to the laundry room, and I'd met up with another guy with HIS load of dirty laundry in the elevator on the way down, so we agreed to split the remaining washers. (I feel like there was some sort of POINT to this when I started...but I'm really, really tired, and "focusing" is proving more of a challenge that I'm up for right now. But anyway...) Here's a very brief offline entry I wrote right before Chris came over today... Chris S. is due any second, so I don't exactly know why I'm starting this right now (I'm such a PUZZLE sometimes...). I'm trying to INITIATE a little more with Chris. I really do enjoy seeing him, and I think he feels likewise, but it's just not gonna happen unless I say, "I'm off tomorrow. You want to get together, have breakfast or something?". (Just got a message from Chris on my cell phone--I must have been in the shower when he called--saying that he's stopped at his house to pick up the spare weights I recently asked if I could borrow, and that he'll be here in the next ten or fifteen minutes.) Some more celebrities at the bookstore: 1. Kathy Bates ( Actor--"Misery", "Primary Colors", "Dolores Claiborne" ) 2. Warren Zevon (Singer/Songwriter/subs for Paul Schaefer on "Letterman")* 3. Amy Brenneman (Actor--"NYPD Blue", "Judging Amy")* 4. Sarah Chalke (Actor--"Roseanne", "Scrubs")* I feel like there's a lot bouncing around in my mind these days... On the way home from work yesterday, I started thinking about kids. I LOVE kids ( At least from my present perspective, which is akin to looking at the puppies in a pet store window). They fascinate me. (END) The thing about kids is that I feel definite "paternal stirrings". I have for years. One of the things I wrestle with, on pretty much a daily basis, is the feeling that life is "passing me by". And one ASPECT of that "passing me by" feeling is the fact that I don't have kids. And while I don't want to be in the business of ruling things OUT at this point, it's seeming UNLIKELY that kids are in my future But while there's a part of me that feels DRAWN to children, that wants children, that feels like I'm missing a pretty huge, meaningful life experience by NOT having children, there's another part of me, as I've suggested before, that thinks it may be for the best. I am very selfish. I may spend a moment here or there giving some thought to what other people may want, how they FEEL, but mostly, life is about ME. What I want. What I need. How I feel. But even beyond my inherent self-centeredness, there's another issue, and this is a subject I'm VERY uncomfortable bringing up in here; I'm afraid of my own capacity for frustration. For ANGER. I'm afraid I'd be an abusive parent. I have "issues" with anger and frustration. It might be my background, it might be biochemical, it might be both, I don't know, but it's been a lifelong issue. An issue that years of therapy, reading, journalling, and general soul-searching hasn't resolved. (And I know there are people out there reading this who are thinking, "You never seemed that angry to ME". And while I'm not going to spend a lot of time trying to CONVINCE people I'm NUTS...let's just say that I know me better than YOU do.) _________________________________________________ Jane has suggested, more than once, that the reason I haven't had more love in my life is that, on some level, I didn't want it to get in the way of my acting aspirations. Now, I don't exactly KNOW why I haven't had more love in my life--Maybe it's in part that "I'm selfish and potentially abusive" stuff--but if its because I'm "saving myself for acting"..then I'm a @#!! IDIOT! Here are things I've thought of as obstacles in the past... 1. I'm not a good-looking guy, but have desired an attractive woman (That's simplistic--that's never been ALL I wanted a woman to be--but good enough for now). 2. I've never had money. And money might not be THE issue, but it is AN issue. 3. I didn't learn to drive till I was 27, and have spent most of my life without a car. 4. I'm afraid of failing in another relationship. And again, this is pretty simplistic--how many ways can one feel like a failure in a relationship?--but you get the idea (With my last relationship, my failure was pretty spectacular, and the feeling stays with me still). It's a similar, or at least inter-related issue, as the issue of my wanting kids; I feel drawn to the things that normal people have, the things that provide comfort and meaning, that seem to be the very STUFF of life, but I think at some other level it's probably best that I don't HAVE those things. "Cause you're BAD, Jim?" Not BAD. I don't KNOW "what"...deeply FLAWED. DAMAGED. But even all this doesn't really get AT things. Yeah, I'm all messed up inside, and who could ever really LOVE me and all that, and even though I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and I'm terrified of dying with no one by my side, but I don't want any more people to be hurt by me, whether a woman or child or both, and I'm afraid that even TRYING would just lead to more failure and pain and suffering, and feeling worse being alone once again than I feel right now...I'd be willing to face all that, and more, for the chance at getting to love someone, and getting to be loved. But how is that going to happen? Where? When? With whom? I don't know. I don't even know what the woman is like who has what I want, and wants what I have to offer. Is there really someone out there who would "complete me", or who I would "complete"? I don't know. But I also don't know how one lives a life that feels at all meaningful WITHOUT love. _________________________________________________ The read-through of "Crossing the Line" was yesterday. It was at 8 am, and I worked till midnight the night before (Probably doesn't sound like a big deal to some of you, but factor in 45 minutes to get home from work, at least a half hour to decompress, then time to eat, get ready, and ride my bike to the theater in the morning, and it felt like a pretty tough "turn-around"). But I DID find out it doesn't take me very long to get to the theater at all; I left at quarter-after-7, and was at the theater with at least twenty minutes to spare, maybe a little more. The director brought orange juice and fruit, which I thought was nice (I just had a glass of orange juice, since I'd had a banana at home). I brought up my concern about the dialect with the director, but it quickly became apparent that he didn't "get" it; I had the distinct impression that he thought I was objecting to the character speaking with a southern accent (Which of course I WASN'T; I'm just having a problem with being a white man doing lines in a BLACK southern dialect). So I decided that "discretion was the better part of valor", or however that saying goes, and quickly let it drop. People drifted in--We probably didn't really get started till 8:15 or later--and after Mark (The director) passed out the schedule and rules of the theater and so forth, and we went around and introduced ourselves, we started the read. If you've been following along, you remember that one of my "concerns" about the show was that my character--"Mr Bryant"--sounded BLACK? Well, the show is being "double-cast"--Something I don't think I've experienced since I was in high school--and the OTHER "Mr Bryant"...is BLACK (The script ALSO indicates that "Mr Bryant" is "60-ish"; I'm 40, and the OTHER "Mr Bryant" is, I'm guessing, somewhere between 60 and 70). It seemed apparent to me that the character obviously IS supposed to be black. And for whatever reason--Maybe the lack of PAY--they only got the ONE old black man, and I was the next "oldest" and "blackest" man they had show up. The OTHER "Mr Bryant"--J.R.--wanted me to read first. And I totally understood that--even though it ANNOYED me--because I've done the same thing at auditions; If you're not feeling totally secure, you hang back, and let other people go up first, so you can see what you're dealing with. See what you can steal, what you can improve upon, and maybe what you want to AVOID. But it annoyed me, because, 1)We've both been CAST at this point, so in my mind, the competition should be OVER (Though in a way, it's NOT, but more on that later), and 2)I'm feeling nervous TOO, so why should it be MY ass in the fire first? But even though the director gave J.R. some grief over communicating his desire to have me go first (He'd made a point in his initial talk with us that HE was going to be the director of this show), he nevertheless...had me read first. And once again, I found myself thinking "I don't want to start off on the wrong foot here...", and since SOMEONE had to be the first to read, I went for it (I can't tell at this point if J.R., who I have to admit I didn't really like upon first impression--I find him kind of obnoxious--is going to be a real PROBLEM, or if he's just going to be "colorful". I guess time will tell). What can I say? The show is pretty badly written, I'm miscast in the role, and some of my fellow actors had obviously not had the chance to read the script. But all that said, I thought it went okay. Mark had us read it again--the only direction I remember was to tighten up the "meaningful" pauses--and then he had J.R. and the other doublecast people come down and read. J.R., being black and 60-something and all, FITS the role better than I do. And he'd had the advantage of just hearing me hit-and-miss in MY two readings. So to my ear, I thought he was better. Sort of. I thought he was trying to do MORE than I did a lot of the time, and often time slipped into capital-A "Acting". I found myself wanting to say, "J.R., you're ALREADY an older black man. You don't have to ACT like one". (Mark gave J.R. a TON of direction after his first read. I didn't know what to make of that. On the one hand, it was ENCOURAGING--Mark saw what I saw, at least to some degree--but on the other hand, why didn't he give ME any direction? I know for a fact that I didn't exactly "hit it out of the ballpark" during the first reading.) After we were dismissed, J.R. caught me out on the sidewalk, and complimented my reading, while letting me know that HE had not gotten a script beforehand. Have I mentioned that I don't LIKE this guy? Well, I could go on about how I felt the read-through went, but I'm fading fast here. Oh, but I was going to get to why there actually MIGHT still be competition between J.R. and myself; Apparently, there's a producing organization that the Coleman-Smith theater is connected with, that's producing this show. Mark said that this organization--COLSAC?--can, even against his wishes, decide an actor is not GOOD enough to perform this crappy little show (Maybe the reason for the "double casting"?), and yank that actor. So my big goal has now become to make it till opening night. Wish me luck...
0 comments so far 
|