9:21 pm - Sun 12/09/01
When I have a problem, I just ask myself \"What would Batman do?\"
I'm having another one of those times where I feel almost too full of "stuff" to effectively write.

What do I want to say? Do I want to write about "Batman", and the embarrassingly deep affinity I still feel for the character?

Do I want to write about how Bill H. being unhappy with me as a former correspondent, and frustrated with the tone of my entries in Diaryland, "doesn't really bother me", even though it actually DOES (Otherwise, why have I brought it up with two or three different people since Jane told me about it?)?

Do I want to write about writing? Or do I want to write about how I'm NOT going to write about writing anymore? (I'm tired of hearing myself say I want to write differently in here, then wimping out.)

Do I want to write another entry bucking myself up, because I came home from work in probably as positive a frame of mind as I've been in for some time, and it would be a shame to have it go to waste (A frame of mind that suggests to me, basically, that there's no real problem here in LA, other than my inability to really COMMIT to what I want)?

I was uncomfortable with that thing I wrote recently, about how I'd like everyone to e-mail me all the time, but be free to respond at my leisure; I think that's a pretty human impulse, but I don't want to put it out there that I don't want people to e-mail me, or that I feel like I can be lackadaisical about getting back to them (I DON'T feel like I'm "free to respond at my leisure", though by the same token, I think I should be allowed at least to respond at my CONVENIENCE. And I do think there's a difference).

I don't really want to get into this too much, because I think that would be a distraction. But it does speak to my fear of really "opening up" in here; Some disapproval came back to me from it, and while I would like to be immune, or above it, or whatever, I'm not. Not completely.

But this is something I have to get over, this thing I have where I want to "be free to be myself in here", and at the same time want everyone's continual love and approval and support.

If I'm REALLY honest in here, sometimes I'm going to say things that might bother people, that will make me sound like a not-very-nice guy.

And you know what? If that happens, I think both me and my handful of readers will be able to get over it (Lauren reminded me the other day about how nobody really cares about our goings-on as much as we might THINK they do. I kind of KNOW that, but every so often, I gets a little CONFUSED on this issue).

Some of the frustration that Bill expressed to Jane over how I want excitement but fear change, or how I'm basically using my problems not as fuel to move me forward, but as a reason stay frozen in place...Well, what can I SAY?

G-U-I-L-T-Y.

But instead of getting mad at Bill, or mad at myself, for that matter, I should use that insight TO propel me forward. I do not want to be in the position where other people can write me off, and I will no longer write MYSELF off.

The whole "Batman" thing, that affinity I feel for the character? It's not too hard to figure out--The orphan that makes himself into an almost superhuman figure is a pretty appealing image to the 40 year old orphan who's wondering why his life has never really quite WORKED.

"I ain't gotta be what nobody else wants me to be, and I ain't afraid to be what I wanna be."

That's a line from the new "Ali" movie with Will Smith (I'm looking forward to the movie, since I've always been a big Ali fan, and have also thought Will Smith has stuff to offer that no one's really seen yet).

I don't think there's anyone out there who really "wants me to be" ANYTHING, but that last part of the quote grabs me. That's what I want. That's who I want to be the rest of my time on earth. I want to not be afraid to look inside, to keep trying to figure out who I am, where my heart is, and to BE that.

And part of that, part of that finding myself, finding my heart, finding out who it is I really am and BEING that, involves Diaryland, at least in some small way. If I'm afraid to be myself in here, how am I going to be myself in the big bad world? How am I going to hide who I am in my own journal, then have the guts to come out with my deepest, truest self within a character?

One of the things I am going to connect with more is that I am an ACTOR. I may not always work hard enough at it, I may be afraid, I may have this or that limitation (Though I don't really know what those ARE yet, since I haven't really EXPLORED my limits), but I AM an actor. I can't run from it. I don't WANT to run from it. It's what I want. It's what I am. I didn't come here to work at Borders. I didn't come here to cry about parking, or getting lost on the highway, or having car problems, or feeling nauseated, or a million other things.

I came here to be an actor. I have to keep that at the front of my thoughts. I have something, and all I have to do is have the courage to see that through, to do my best, to put it out there, and something will happen.

Something will happen. I know it. I just have to find my best, truest self. To not be afraid to be who, and what, I am.

I was thinking earlier that one thing I came out here to do is to fashion my own story. I do not want my life to be the story of a poor boy who got a bad start, then rose over time till he was one step from the bottom rung, then died.

I want success. I want the second half of my life to be the story of how I got over my fears, my insecurities, and become a successful, productive, creative actor.

And I want something MORE than that. I want to become a better PERSON. And while some people might debate this, or think I'm a fool for believing this, I honestly think that part of my being a better person WILL involve the effort it will take me to become a successful actor.

I think to be a successful actor, you have to know yourself, and at the same time, have a tremendous amount of interest in other people. I think you have to have as keen an understanding as possible of human nature, of human behavior. You have to be smart enough to move in a world of business, but still be connected enough to your imagination to see a world of possibilities, a world where amazing things can happen, where you see yourself in as openminded a way as you possibly can.

I feel like I have to "open myself back up". I feel like, over the past twenty years, I've whittled myself and my life down to something I thought was manageable.

It's no good. And it's not ME. I'm not SMALL, I'm not built to be someone who's scraping along, wishing that life was more interesting than it is, wishing that I had the strength of character to be the person I dream of being.

I am enough. I have enough. There is enough.

Lather, rinse, repeat...

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