11:32 am - Sat 4/17/04
Sounding A Blue Note

(This is an excerpt from an email I just wrote my friend Pat. It pretty much describes where I'm at right now, so since it took me all morning to write and I'm feeling tired, lazy, have to go get groceries, and want/need to sneak in a nap before work, I'm just going to copy it in here and "call it good".)

There's no "reason" for my mood, at least nothing major. No big catastrophe to report or anything like that. I'm just tired--physically, mentally, and emotionally--and feeling like I could use a boost. But beyond booking a commercial, I don't even know where that "boost" would come from. I'm going to be alone for the foreseeable future, I'm going to be poor for the foreseeable future, and I'm going to be at Borders for the foreseeable future.

In other words, the "foreseeable future" kinda SUCKS.

I was thinking about it last night--I have a lot of major "issues" that sort of get "papered over" if I basically feel okay in my day-to-day life. But when "day-to-day" stresses and upsets build up, I lose the protection of being able to say "Well, if I put my worries about the future aside and just look at my day-to-day existence, things aren't so bad...".

But I do have things to look forward to--My tax refund (Almost $1000) will be coming in a few weeks, my friend Kevin is coming to visit in June (I just put in for two weeks vacation time), and...uh...well...that's about all I can think of right now.

Even having "things to look forward to" has been bothering me lately; I feel like I depend on these few-and-far-between "happy events" to get me through what's mostly a not-terribly-satisfying existence (Actually, that's bothered me all my life; I always feel like the ratio of happiness-to-unhappiness in my life is the exact opposite of what I'd want it to be. I imagine most people would say they're basically "happy" with the occasionally unhappy "bump in the road", while I more often feel like I'm living in darkness with an occasional ray of sunshine)

I don't want to be in a position where I NEED to book a commercial in order to feel good about myself, or be in a good mood, or what-have-you...but I NEED to book a commercial right now in order to feel good about myself, or be in a good mood, or what-have-you. I need another little "dose of success" so I can be reminded "Hey, I really CAN succeed out here" (The good feeling I've sometimes had about my success so far is draining away. And I know this is going to be a big problem for me if I don't figure out a way to deal; Even if/when things really "break" for me, there are going to be "peaks" and "valleys" in terms of how "hot" I am. I've gotta find some way to keep on an even keel, but I have no IDEA how to do that).

Blah blah blah...whine, whimper, complain. You get the idea.

Jimmy's feeling a little SAD these days...but I always bounce back. Cause really, what's the alternative? This may sound a little EXTREME, but I remember one time saying to myself "If you're so UNHAPPY, Jim, why don't you just KILL yourself...?"; Once I realized I wasn't going to do THAT, it hit me that there was always going to be a LIMIT to how low I was going to go.

At least I HOPE there's a limit...

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