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FRI 12:08 PM - 10.09.20

An Audience Of Nobody

Got off the phone with Jane R. a short time ago...

Toward the end of our call, she asked what I planned to do with my day - I told her about maybe going to Target (That's been a half-hearted "plan" for maybe a week now) and writing in here.

Truth to tell, I don't really need to go to Target - though still thinking about pulling-the-trigger on a SodaStream (Which seems like it would be good for me and for the environment) - and I don't really need to write in here, because there "isn't much to report" right now.

But I think going to Target would be a good thing - SodaStream or not - because it gets me out of the apartment, it's good to use the car a little (Don't want to discover a dead battery when I have to drive to Warners for my next Shameless), and canned pineapple which I enjoy, is something like fifty cents a can cheaper there.

And it's actually important to write in here when I have "nothing to say". That's the difference between a "hobby" and a "discipline".

Since I've been telling myself I don't want to work another "day job", it behooves me to start creating "content" on a regular basis and taking my "hobbies" - journaling, drawing, singing/dancing, podcasting, etc - seriously enough that other people start taking them seriously as well.

(It's interesting. - Doing these things on a more regular basis would have, in the past, just been about "getting better" at them, mostly for my own sake. But now it's also about "content" - If I want to "put myself out there" as a public figure, as a social media "presence" of some sort, if I want the support of "fans" on the Internet, there's got to be something for them to see/hear/respond to on a regular basis.)


Was excited, when I checked my phone early this morning, to have gotten a Shameless email with a script attachment.

But when I looked more closely, I saw it was a script revision for Episode 1103.

(I've already shot my stuff for that episode.)

So cue the "sad trombone" - Not only was it not the script for 1105 - the next episode I'm in. - they haven't even started on 1104 yet.

In other words, I would like to be shooting more Shameless stuff...even if, the more I shoot, the less there is left to shoot.

Which is scary shit I'm trying hard not to think too much about because I want to be all about "living in the now" instead of constantly fretting over the future.

I have to say, the first week of October has been pretty busy for Yours Truly - Looking at my wall calendar, because I still have one of those, I've had a voiceover audition, three Cameos (And just got another request this morning), and two self-tape auditions (One theatrical and once commercial).

But while that's a decent amount of "busyness" in a week's time, it hasn't really felt like anything - While I still haven't cracked the voiceover nut, in commercial/theatrical terms, I feel as if I've "lost a step", with the change from "live auditions" to "self-tapes", that I'm struggling to get back,

...and while I was composing that last paragraph, it struck me what one of the "missing ingredients" is (And it's something I haven't thought about, assuming the problem was entirely my anxiety over the technical aspects of self-taping).

I miss an audience.

I've now gone from an audience of fellow performers (In community theater), to an audience of a single cameraman (At an initial commercial or theatrical audition), to an audience of...nobody.


No one to laugh, or respond, or give feedback/encouragement.

Not even another warm body in the room.


That's actually a way bigger deal than feeling uncomfortable with the "technical aspects" - You can get over that (It just takes time and effort, working with the tools).

But I guess you can figure out how to "gin up" the feeling of actually being "watched" when you're doing a self-tape - Maybe part of it is working on being able to view yourself dispassionately after a take, not just being "critical" and picking the thing apart, but viewing it, as much as possible, as if you were watching someone else? Asking yourself the simple question, "Does this work? Am I affected by what I'm watching?".

And maybe using your imagination to envision the "future audience" of a casting director or whoever watching your work and having it "stand out from the crowd"?

There's got to be a way to "crack this nut" because people have. Gotta believe I'm not the first actor who has self-taped and struggled with feeling like, "Am I even doing anything here?"

Anyway, on that semi-hopeful note, I think I'm going to clean myself up and continue. on with my day.

Till next time...



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