9:45 pm - Thurs 3.15.2013
It's So "Interesting" Being Me

This is one of those times I should definitely be writing more, because I'm now seriously "backed up"...

It's been interesting being me lately...

...because I am experiencing a terrifying amount of fear over my finances (As in, I think I should be able to pay this month's rent/bills, but don't know how next month is gonna happen), but thus far, I have only done one small thing about it.

(Arguably two...And neither of those things is "Book a national commercial" or "Get a better-paying 'day job'".)

...because the same day I cancelled my land line (That being the "one small thing" I've done about my finances), and was thinking how I should also cancel my cable, but really don't want to cancel my cable (because I'm terribly bored and lonely now, so how much more "terribly bored and lonely" would I be without the companionship/distraction of my "stories"?), and was feeling somewhat less than "successful", that same day Connie O. (From back in Lansing) told me, via Facebook, that I was an "inspiration" and a "risk-taker" she uses in her music class to inspire her students.

...because I finally got past just pissing and moaning about being "over goal" at WW for the longest time, busting out of my pants and feeling like shit about myself while doing nothing to change things, and started going back to meetings, and have lost weight for four-out-of-my-last-five weigh-ins - "Yay!" me, right? - but know I'm "not doing it right", and am still in the grip of an overeating habit I can barely contain, let alone eradicate (I'm considering Over-Eaters Anonymous, but haven't "pulled the trigger" yet).

...because doing what I do now constantly batters my self-esteem and sometimes makes me forget how people have enjoyed watching me perform for most of my life, and makes me think about how very little "performing pleasure" I get from the "acting" I do professionally...but on Tuesday I want to the Dresden to see "Marty and Elayne" with Josh & Michelle and their friend Matt (A friend of theirs who has also read/is currently reading this very journal), and got to get up and sing with them, and was very well-received by the crowd, and was very proud that it was happening in front of people I really wanted to be impressed with me.

,..because I have struggled for a long time with writing in here, and never feel like I'm writing often enough or good enough or funny enough or what-have-you, and sometimes don't really understand why I do it at all (It certainly never feels like an "accomplishment), but at the Dresden, Matt - like Josh before him - actually thanked me for this journal, rather movingly, and made it clear he considers this an impressive achievement...which helps me see it that way a little myself.

...because a recent bout of watching Hoarders has, jokes aside (About where I'm at on the continuum of "hoarding behaviors"), made me realize, once again, that I didn't exactly make it through get the crucible of my past unscathed.

Not even close.

...because I get to a place - like I am now with my finances - where I tell myself that I don't care about the part, I just need to "book something", doesn't matter what...and I have two auditions today, and I leave the first one and just crash miserably, over how long I've been here and how I'm still fighting for single-line parts, how nobody knows or cares about what I can do, etc. (On the other hand, the second audition - for the TNT show Perception - left me with a somewhat sunnier outlook on things).

Right now?

I'm kinda/sorta wishing it were a little less "interesting" being me...or barring that, that the reason it was so "interesting" being me is that I was now a tremendously successful actor who wasn't afraid the bottom was going to drop out any second.

8:00 pm - Thu 9/12/02
The Entry I Thought Was Going To Be A Little More \"Interesting\"

I've been doing my impression of a shut-in today; It's 8:00 in the evening and I just left my apartment for the first time, to check the mail (There was none).

I went to bed around 2:00 am, and woke up before 8:00. But unlike some days where I'm just up at that point, tired but ambulatory, today I couldn't seem to stay conscious to save my life; I haven't done one productive thing, and could barely manage to read a few pages at a time before blacking out again (That said, I did manage to finally finish the book Mindhunter, which I've been plodding through for weeks now, in between more interesting, enjoyable books. I never thought I could find a book about serial killers and all that kind of stuff so dull, but there you are).

So blah, blah, blah, "I feel bad because I've wasted the whole day...", etc and so forth. Woe is me.

BUT...

There's still tomorrow, where I can jam in all the productivity and fun one day has to offer.

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Just ventured out again, to go down to the discount store on the corner, which was open till 9:00 pm last I knew, but now seems to close at 8:00.

I was looking for an Allen wrench set; My bike--You know, the almost brand new one?--has developed a little "brake issue"; The front brake squeals when I apply it, and now, after my old buddy Bill took a look at it yesterday, while he was at the store, the situation is just a little worse (Now there's almost no tension on the brake lever).

I don't want to go to the bike shop at this point--I don't want to do it this early, I don't want to spend the money, and I don't trust them besides (But don't know where else to go)--so I'm going to buy some tools, and see what I can do (Just call me "Mr Fixit").

(I can't imagine it's anything too serious--It @#$!! better not be--Something's just come loose and needs to be tightened, is all. Hopefully, I won't mess things up any worse.)

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I've had a couple of occasions recently where someone actually wanted to talk about me--normally my favorite topic of conversation--and it just made me depressed and uncomfortable. How I'm feeling, how the acting stuff is going, etc.

Sometimes I feel like everyone thinks they know what to do better than me, that they'd be doing things a lot better if they were "in my shoes".

And I don't know...maybe they would, but I'm doing what I can do at this point.

I'm in a bad mood again. Cause I didn't do anything today. And it wouldn't have taken much to satisfy me, either; I've been meaning to get a haircut for awhile now, so I could have done that. And I have two headshots I need to get out, all of five minutes of work, that I just couldn't manage to do today. I haven't had any fun, and I haven't gotten anything done. In short, this day may as well never have happened.

I feel a "downward spiral" coming on, which would

just be stupid, so I'm not going to permit it...

When Cary and Kay were here on Sunday morning, we were talking about me and my acting, and I wondered aloud if becoming Equity would be worth my while out here.

Kay mentioned the Santa Clarita Rep Company, out near where they live, and said she knows some of the board members. She didn't know what that would be worth, and it would be a long drive were I to get in something out there, but she said she could talk to them if I was interested.

Tonite I checked out their website, and they seem to do the kind of stuff I'd enjoy; Challenging enough to be interesting for me as an actor, accessible enough that I wouldn't feel like I was just jerking off and screw the audience if they don't "get it" (I realized again recently--What I want to do as an actor is really top-notch "pop" entertainment. It may sound obvious, but basically, I want to do the kind of stuff I'd like to see).

Anyway, one of the headshots I have to get out tomorrow will be to the artistic director there.

The other headshot is to The Charles Talent Agency.

Bryan K., a new guy who just started at the bookstore, is an actor who just booked a national commercial (For Yahoo).

We talked recently, about where he's at and where I'm at, career-wise, and he gave me the name and address of his agency, telling me that a new commercial agent just signed up with them and is looking for talent. He told me I could use his name, and while he couldn't guarantee anything, they would probably see me on the strength of his referral (I appreciated his "leap of faith"; I mean, I know I'm good, but he doesn't).

I think I've had a very odd and old-fashioned notion about commercials that I need to get out of my head; Not so much that they're "beneath me"--Though I don't really understand why big celebrities do them when they don't have to--but that they're all about pretty, perfect people being pretty and perfect. And since I'm neither pretty nor perfect, that I wouldn't be viable in that market.

Well, in a word, that's really stupid; Yes, many commercials are about pretty people living perfect lives, thanks to this or that product, but there are any number of commercials that use "real" or "character" people. And I can act, I can be funny, I can sing, I can move (I've seen more than one commercial that centered around an unlikely-looking actor who could dance). And for whatever reason, people tend to respond to me.

And I have a nice speaking voice.

Getting a commercial agent would be a good thing. It could lead to work, it could lead to getting a theatrical agent--Connections leading to more connections--and one national commercial could make life very nice for me for a very long time.

Anyway, think a good thought for me on that, if you would.

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Was it just me, or was everyone relieved when nothing blew up yesterday?

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There's a promo for a new NBC show called Hidden Hills, with the tag line, "It's like your life...only funnier".

I'm a little offended by that. How do they know my life isn't a @#$! laugh riot?

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I know I'm probably supposed to do this every day, but I'm new at this, so here's a list of stuff I've been grateful for in recent weeks, that I just haven't gotten around to getting down in Diaryland before now.

1. I'm grateful for Mark B. at the bookstore, who makes me feel sane by comparison (He really is the most neurotic, obsessive-compulsive person I've ever met).

2. I'm grateful for Pam, also at the bookstore; When we both work closings, she will usually take all or most of my evening register shifts, since she likes the register more than I-One (The info counter), while I'm the opposite.

3. I'm grateful for cheap matinees at the theaters on Vermont (And that there's almost always something there I want to see).

4. I'm grateful for Tony B., my young Italian friend, who's recently returned to the bookstore after a stint in the National Guard (We've been working on figuring out a time to go to breakfast some morning).

5. I'm grateful for Cary, most recently for his computer savvy (He took my computer with him when he came over on Sunday and couldn't figure out what the deal was. In the time since, he's called to let me know that it was the modem, and that he's replaced it, and cleaned up some files in the process, but there's still a problem he's working on--for some reason, the computer "dials up" now, but doesn't "complete the handshake", as he put it).

6. I'm grateful that I didn't toss this computer into the dumpster, as I was thinking about doing.

7. I'm grateful for Lauren's assist with setting up my new counter on Diaryland, as well as being grateful for the new counter itself (It's been fun for me to see that I get honest-to-goodness traffic on my site).

8. I'm genuinely grateful that there wasn't a major incident yesterday (I didn't watch tv much yesterday, mostly because I didn't want to, but also because I was a little afraid to).

9. I'm grateful to Marie, the G.M at the store.

Recently, Borders dropped the employee "house charge" accounts (Full time employees had a revolving charge account with a $300 limit). Borders Inc wants to take the outstanding amount I owe--$120--out of my hide, with payroll deductions, which Marie doesn't agree with, so she's going to allow me to offset that by "cashing out" the new $30 a month "gift card" we're getting to replace the house charge (The whole thing doesn't make much sense to me--like why can't I just apply the $30 gift card to the amount directly?--but all that matters is that I'm not losing money on the deal).

10. I'm grateful when anyone expresses a genuine belief that I can make it out here.

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