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7:23 am - Sun 9.02.2012
A Tiny Little Life

A Tiny Little Life

I keep having this overwhelming urge to write, but beyond what I've already said the past couple days - the acting disappointments, the broken tooth, depression, anxiety, etc - I'm not sure exactly what's inside that's clearly dying to get out.

I think if these were just specific complaints, that would be that, and I could move on (Though right now, part of the problem is there doesn't feel like much to move on to).

But they open a "trap door" to a veritable ocean of upset - loneliness, inadequacy, insufficiency, even mortality - that I struggle not to drown in.

If I could arrest that mental process that quickly takes me from "The gig fell through" to "I'm going to end up homeless", from "I broke a tooth" to "I'm dying", I'm sure I'd be much better off.

On some level, this is pretty primal stuff, the "underlying beliefs" that are the problem here - I shouldn't be shocked at this point that I struggle with believing, "I am not enough", because that's probably one of the first thoughts I formed about myself early on.

And right along with it, the belief that "I'm not going to get what I need" - That I won't be able to get it on my own, and there won't be anyone to help me.

To a certain extent, those are demonstrably untrue - I've been enough, and got enough of what I needed (And got help enough when I needed it), that I've been out here for 11-plus years.

But I think what happens, is that I establish a "tiny little life" for myself that I think I can just manage, then alternately, 1) feel continually disappointed that it isn't more, and 2) feel continually terrified (At least in the "living in LA" era) that I'll lose even that.

It's not a good place to be.

So I need to put myself somewhere else.


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