12:47 pm - Mon 8/23/04
Mon 8/23/04 (9:31 a.m.)
Nobody needs me.
Nobody has needed me for a very long time.
Sometimes it bothers me that nobody needs me. But on the rare occasion when someone has needed me, I haven't been up to the challenge.
But lucky for me, I don't see the issue of being needed by someone coming up ever again.
Lucky for me.
Visited Cary and Kay on Saturday, for the first time since the baby was born.
Donovan was still a week away from his actual due date, but at six-pounds-and-change, he looks very much like a normal, beautiful baby boy.
(Going in, I was afraid he was going to be this little, shrivelled-up raisin, and I'd have to fake "oooh" and "ahhh" just to be nice. But I'm happy to say the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" were quite spontaneous.)
Kay offered to let me hold him...but I declined.
At this point, I've gotten over the fear that I'm going to "break" a baby by handling them wrong. It was just that Little D. was alternating between "fussy" and "sleepy", and while I know it's stupid to take it personally, I always feel a bit wounded when a parent passes me their baby, and the baby immediately starts screaming bloody murder. And I just had the feeling Donovan wouldn't be "feeling the love", no matter how sincere the love was on my part.
So I contented myself with cupping his sweet little bald baby head, holding one of his tiny little feet in my hand, etc and so forth. Stuff I thought I could get away with without a storm of protest.
(As I wrote that, it struck me that I'm really a "touchy-feely" guy, and wish I had permission to be more "touchy-feely" in everyday life.)
When I got home from work a few nights ago, an interesting email was awaiting me.
It was from a woman I did a "show" with early on in my time here in L.A. (I put the word "show" in quotes because it's kind of a stretch, using the word "show" to describe the experience I had. It wasn't terrible, mind you–Just a little bit of "nothing much").
The events in question happened some three years ago now, but she had apparently just gotten wind of my journal, and wasn't happy with my review of her and the "show" she'd directed (I was about to put the word "directed" in quotes, but I think you're getting the idea here–In a word, I was disappointed with the experience)–Her email was to "notify" me that I have 30 days to delete any mention of her in my journal.
This email prompted a number of emotional responses from me...
I was surprised: Did I mention this stuff happened three years ago?
Then I was surprised some more: Why would this person even care what I thought about her?
Then I was angry: My first impulse at being "notified" that I had thirty days to delete any mention of her in Diaryland was to notify her that she had thirty days to blow me.
Then I was a little bit scared: This "30 day notice" thing sounded very "official", which I guess was the intent. And while I'm fairly certain she doesn't have a legal leg to stand on–if she opted to go that way–I wasn't one-hundred-percent certain.
So I went through a couple drafts of emails. But whether I was telling her to "blow me" or taking a more conciliatory tack, where I always ended up was "I'm not deleting a thing". And since I thought that would fail to satisfy this person, and might actually just antagonize them more, I didn't end up responding at all.
Basically, it's my journal. And in my journal, I express my feelings and opinions about whatever's happening in my life at a given moment.
And while I'm sorry Miss A. and her show got a "bad review" in my journal, as Joe Montegna says in House Of Games "That's just what happened. And we all have to live in an imperfect world".
And that's that with that.
The annual JS Represents agency get-together was yesterday.
It was scheduled from 3:00 to 7:00, and I stayed until shortly before 6:00.
I took a bus to the nearby K-Mart, to buy a "camp chair"–JS suggested bringing a folding chair or blanket to sit on–and some fine Hostess dessert products (Twinkies and Ho-Ho's), then walked the short distance to Pan Pacific park.
There's not much to say about the event, really. Just hung out in the park for a couple hours, making small talk with my fellow JS'ers, and eating way too much sugar (Last year's "do" was a potluck, but JS specified just desserts at this one. Thought I'd be embarrassed at being the only person bringing store-bought stuff, but "store-bought" outnumbered "homemade" by about two-to-one).
Some people I've met at karaoke were there, along with Cynthia St John (Who, if she isn't in the newsletter every week as having booked a gig, is pretty darned close).
I talked for a little over an hour with a girl from Texas named Elise, who had just graduated college, and was currently working at the Laemmle 5 on Sunset until she figured out what she wanted to do next (Go home, or go to grad school in film at USC).
During the afternoon, I did broach the subject of "How do you do all you need to do out here as an actor?" (Take classes, do theatre, work a straight job, audition for tv and film, etc), but all I really got was commiseration.
It's the old saw: If it were easy, then everybody would be doing it.
And on that note...
Jimmy needs to lay himself down to sleep.
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