2:25 pm - Friday, Jul. 18, 2003
I'm thinking about some stuff I'm not sure if I know how to put into words...
Coming home from one of these castings, something occurred to me...something like "Maybe this is what ‘obsession' is like...".
(Watching Pump Up The Volume, which I taped off tv a couple days ago.)
All I really seem to want is to do the thing that I do. I want my life to be centered around that. When it is, I'm as close as I get to being happy, and when it isn't, I inevitably grow frustrated and depressed and wonder how I'm getting through my days.
I'm not built to support life, it turns out. I don't have the temperament for it. I'm not going to get married, I'm not going to have kids, I'm not going to have pets, I'm not even going to get a fern. I get lonely, yes I do, I wonder if something is wrong with me, and undoubtedly there is, but it is what it is. Whether I can't have it or I don't want it, a regular life is not the thing for me, it's not what I'm built for, not where the truth of being me lies.
I've been tired of being stuck being poles.
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