|
|
9:04 am - Mon 7/08/02 Part of the "writing about writing" I didn't get to yesterday concerned my writing "career". In a recent entry, I commented that Jane has not seemed very...enthusiastic about my writing; She doesn't think I'm a bad writer--On the contrary, she's often been very complimentary of the skill I've demonstrated in Diaryland--but there hasn't been a lot of encouragement for taking it any further than that. I received a couple e-mails, from Carrie and Jane, commenting on those comments. Between the two of them, I think they pretty effectively nailed me to the wall on this issue. Carrie, in an e-mail ripping me in general for my attitude lately, suggested I should "get off Jane's back". She said I didn't come out to LA to be a writer, which is true, and that if I wanted to be a writer, I could have done that back in Lansing, which is also true. She also suggested that, if she were Jane, she might be wondering why she essentially "gave" me money for a car (For the record? So far I've paid Mark and Jane $250 of the $2200 they loaned me), a car that I've "done nothing but complain about so far", a car that's supposed to be getting me to auditions and the like, if, in effect, I'm going to just hole up in my apartment and be a "writer". (Regarding the car? I know I was unhappy about the cracked windshield, the recent ticket, and the smog check debacle, but it really does makes grocery shopping a lot more fun, amongst other things. And yes, acting out here would be all-but-impossible without a car. And at this point, I think if I could just get myself a parking space, you'd hear the crying about the car all but stop. But anyway...) Jane's e-mail said, basically, that she really isn't very enthusiastic about me trying to be a writer. If I were to actually try and pursue it, if I were to really look at it with an eye on making an income, it would be at least as much work as trying to act out here (And the implication, which is valid, is that I haven't exactly demonstrated an iron resolve on that front). She thinks it's unrealistic of me to look towards writing as any kind of meaningful second income--I think she's right--and worries that any effort I might make in that direction would take away from what I came out here to do, which is to act. To be fair in my reporting here, Jane also asked if I really "had something to say", and implied that, if I did, she'd be able to get behind me. So...do I? Have "something to say"? In a word? No, no I don't. At least nothing above and beyond what I say in my journal. I'm not a writer. I may have some talent/skill in that area, but I don't have stories in me that are bursting to get out, or opinions I think the world can't live without. Basically, the idea of my being a "writer" is, as I put it in my e-mail back to Jane, a "dodge". It's a little bit about my head getting swelled with one two many flattering comments about Diaryland, but it's mostly because trying to act out here is just...too...hard. I've always been envious of writers and painters and the like, because they don't have to get anyone's permission to do what they do. And when they're done, they have something to show for it (Of course, there's still the business of "getting it out there", but at least you get to have produced something in the meantime). In short, I've been looking for an easier way to get off creatively. And if that "getting off" should happen to pay...that would be a good thing. Particularly in my current circumstances. But I'm not a writer. I'm an actor. (Checked out Backstage yesterday morning, and sent a headshot out, to a theater doing a one-act comedy called Bob and Jim. About a week-and-a-half ago, I sent out four headshots, for a non-union film and three grad-school projects.) I knew trying to be an actor out here was going to be hard (If I hadn't known that, and hadn't questioned the courage I'd be able to bring to the struggle, I wouldn't have held off doing it for so long). And it's as hard as I thought, if not harder, and I've doubted my "courage" pretty much every single day out here. But all that falls under the heading of "Too Damned Bad"; This is my life. My "path", if you will. If it's hard, that's just the way it is. And I am going to rise to this particular occasion, because as Richard Gere once said in An Officer And A Gentleman, "I got nowhere else to go...". I think it's okay if I want to "play around" with writing in my spare time (As I said to Jane, I think it would be a more worthwhile hobby than surfing for porn on the web). But I think I'm barking up the wrong creative tree if I think it's going to generate any real income. And it can't be my "fallback" position because acting is just too scary. I'll just end up failing on two fronts then. _______________________________________ Just got off the phone to Carrie a moment ago... As I said earlier, she e-mailed me recently, giving me a pretty thorough raking over the coals for my negative attitude, as represented in here. Here, in part, was my response...
Very adult of me, huh? I thought so, anyway, but unfortunately, just because I want to be "adult", that doesn't mean the defensive "child" in me is just going to go away. I've been wrestling with my "upset" over what Carrie had to say--She was pretty annoyed with me, by and large, though it was a loving kind of annoyance--and I couldn't seem to let go of my feeling of having been attacked. What I said in my e-mail to her was true enough, but it somehow failed to satisfy. So I called her. And even though it was a perfectly reasonable conversation--no one cried, no one got mad--and I thought we ended on a very positive note, I'm somehow not feeling very good about it right now. It didn't satisfy any more than my e-mail did. In effect, I ended up not resisting my urge to be petty and defensive, to feel "attacked". It's at times like this that I understand my decided ambivalence about actually "mixing it up" with people; I'm tremendously lonely sometimes, and want people in my life, but having actual relationships would no doubt stir up feelings, feelings I never seem to have found good ways to deal with. I think sometimes, when my friends express upset or annoyance with me, I freak out a little bit. I can't hear that they care about me, that they still love me even if I might be pissing them off at the moment. All I get is "They're mad. They don't like me anymore, because I'm not doing or saying the right things. They're going to leave." But with my closest friends, that's not the case. Jane isn't going anywhere, neither is Carrie, or Kevin, or Cary and Kay (At this point, my feeling is that I'd have to go some distance before I'd lose the little group of stalwarts presently aligned with me). That panic I feel, that overly-developed defensiveness, is just old stuff, an old habit that might have served me well at some point, but that doesn't work anymore. And this kind of connects with something I said to Jane recently; I think I've had a hard time shaking the notion that I should just be able to "have a conversation with myself" about stuff like this, and get over it. I keep being disappointed with myself because "I know this already...". But like with the acting, I'm going to have to deal with the fact that this stuff is hard sometimes. One "conversation" isn't going to do it; There has to be a continuing "dialogue". I have to learn how to talk to myself more positively, to not get so angry when I don't seem to be working in my own best interests, and not get overly defensive or panicky when I feel like someone is upset with me, or that I've "let them down". _______________________________________ Okay, I've been at this too long already, but I don't want to stop before I've made a little list of positive accomplishments of late... 1. After a long time sitting on top of my kitchen cabinets, I've finally broken out the rice cooker/food steamer Jane bought me. And you know what? It's not hard at all, rice tastes good (And is cheap), and now, if I ever have a woman over, I could serve her something that resembles actual food. 2. I called Cary recently--I ended up speaking to Kay, since Cary wasn't home--and asked if they might be able to take Leo, my cat (This is an issue that has sort of come up before, and sort of been vetoed--Cary is concerned how one of their two cats would respond to an interloper--but I thought I'd take another stab at it). With a cat, my apartment prospects drop precipitously (sp?); Without him, I think I could probably find exactly what I want with not much problem (Either a place costing what I pay now, but with parking, or else a place appreciably cheaper). With Cary and Kay, I know he'd be in a good home (Better than the one he's had, really!), I could visit, and all would be well. But I think the fact I haven't heard from them in days now indicates the answer is "no" (Nice people don't tend to hesitate to let you know when the answer is "yes"). But the point is that I asked. 3. I've been calling apartment listings that seemed promising, both in my immediate area and from the listings on the apartment website (Nothing yet--Just one "It's been rented" and a bunch of messages left--but again, the point is that I'm doing it). 4. I recently called Garrett, another expatriate Michiganian and ex-Schulerite, both to renew our friendship and to see how his roommate situation was going (The last time we spent time together, he had a female roommate who apparently hates him and who doesn't seem to be able or willing to pay her share of the bills). I don't really want a roommate, even one as cute-and-cuddly as Garrett, but it was my effort to "think outside the box" a bit (He's paying $382 a month right now for his half the rent). He's still in the unhappy roommate situation, and unfortunately, she's on the lease. It's too bad, really, because it seems like the solution to both our problems is so close (I wouldn't be anyone's idea of the perfect roommate, but compared to what he's been dealing with, I'd be a "breath of fresh air"! And since he has the larger bedroom, he's been giving "psycho roommate" the one parking space). So anyway, the roommate thing probably isn't going to happen, but I'm giving myself a pat on the back for the call (And on the friendship front, we're going to see a movie or something on Friday, after I get paid). 5. I've recently sent out five headshots, for four films and a play. 6. I am actually using the push-up bars I bought with part of Kay and Cary's Target gift certificate (We're starting very slow--three sets of eight, "girly-man" push-ups--but the operative word is starting). 7. Got to the DMV Friday--Not the best day for doing DMV stuff, it turns out--and finished up that business (Not too big a deal, really; I waited for the better part of two hours, but I had a seat, and I had my Lincoln book, which is becoming more interesting now that he's become President, btw, so I was good to go). So now one of the anxieties I had about the car and about driving is out of the way. And with that, I leave you, because I have to start getting ready for work (I simply have to figure out how to get this diaryland stuff going a little faster...)
0 comments so far 
|