12:59 pm - Sun 7/07/02
Writing about Writing

I almost deleted my last entry after I got home from work last night, something I rarely do, and rarely even think about doing.

During the day, while I was at work, I started feeling like the entry was a misfire on two fronts--I felt I'd written some stuff more for other people's benefit than my own (All that "I'm not unhappy all the time" stuff), and also realized I was doing something I do a lot, which is to focus on a symptom (My mostly depressive writing in Diaryland of late)as if it's a cause.

So I thought about deleting the entry...but I'm not going to. Because while it's a pretty inconsequential entry in my own mind, I didn't say anything that wasn't true, and I'm not particularly embarrassed by anything I said. It's more about feeling I was "off" in my thinking, a sense I had been focusing on two things (One, what other people might think of me, and two, diaryland) that are really "non-issues".

Of course, I'd like everyone to think I'm a great guy, whether it's out there in "the real world", or here in Diaryland. But that's not gonna happen; Sometimes people are just not going to like me or approve of me or whatever, no matter what I say or do. And sometimes, I'm just not going to be a great guy, and when that's the case, I can't blame people for noticing I'm being an asshole, or a self-pitying whiner, or whatever the case may be.

But at this point, it's about a million times more important what I think of me than what anyone else thinks. That's got to be the focus; Am I living in a way I can be happy with? Can I live with myself on a day-to-day basis? If I can say "yes" to those questions, what other people may or may not think of me doesn't matter (And if I can't say yes to those questions...what other people may or may not think of me doesn't matter).

And Diaryland is just like anything else in my life, be it the tv or the computer or junk food or you name it; It can be positive or productive or fun, it can be destructive or distracting or negative, or it can be anything in between.

It's not the thing that matters; It's me. It's how I use these things.

I think I became uncomfortable yesterday when I thought about what I'd written, and realized I was trying to make Diaryland into some kind of problem, as if it was some entity outside of myself that was starting to give me some grief.

Well, Diaryland is just a reflection of me. It's not a perfect reflection, because I'm not a perfect writer, but essentially, that's all it is. It's not "The Monster That Ate Jim".

Well...fiddlesticks! I got a little bit confused about the time, and have less of it than I thought. I have to get myself to work (What I just wrote was basically just supposed to be a preamble to the real entry that would follow. Oh well!)

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