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12:40 pm - Sat 8/4/07
I'd have been happier just having to go in to work today, so I could have spent the morning sleeping (And maybe doing this), because lately I'm experiencing a wave of even-worse-than-normal fatigue. I don't really want to do anything right now, even things I usually like to do, because I'm just too fucking tired Now even this is causing me some anxiety, since it's coming at the expense of sleepy-time. Speaking of "this", I'm still pondering Javier's suggestion a couple weeks ago that I start keeping a "private" journal in addition to what I do here in Diaryland. The suggestion seems to have "blown my mind", for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like half the time I'm writing in here, and the other half the time, I'm thinking about writing in here. Diaryland's become very important to me--in lieu of regular close contact with friends (Though I do socialize when the opportunity presents itself), in lieu of the artistic fulfillment that might come from doing theater (Though I really want to find my way back to acting in front of people at some point), and probably "in lieu of" a bunch of other things I can't think of right now. But what Diaryland can't be for me, at least not so far (And I've been doing it for awhile now), is an actual journal, where I lay things out, no holds barred, and let the chips fall where they may (It may seem like I do that, and I guess I do, to a certain extent. But trust me--there are limits). A big concern of mine from the get-go in here has been "honesty". And I do think it's important--why bother telling you my story, if it's just some prettified, Hallmark version of my story?--but the reality is, you're never going to get the whole truth of me in here (And why would you want it? I'm guessing you don't). For one thing, I'm still trying to figure it out. And for the other, some of that stuff is really not for public consumption (Though I continually debate with myself over why that is or isn't the case--what's appropriately "private", and what's simply embarrassing stuff I should really get over myself about?). Boundaries. Some feel pretty clear to me--I can think of a few things I know I'll never write about in here--and some things don't. But I guess I'll figure that out along the way. Interesting that my bigger "concern", really, is how keeping a "private journal", which I did for years before Diaryland, will affect my writing in here, and not what deep, dark, scary, fucked-up stuff I'll dredge up if I start back up with writing that's "for my eyes only". And I wrestle with being "motivated" to write a private journal again. I did it for years, like I said, but now I have an "audience", small though it may be, and I like it. I like that people are interested enough in what I have to say to check it out, and sometimes comment on something I've said. I've become a bit addicted to, if not your "love", then at least your attention. So the question becomes, "Why write if there's no one there to read it?". I used to know the answer to that question, because I did write when there was no one to read it, for many, many years. But now that I've spent the past number of years writing to you, whoever "you" may be, now I have to figure out why I'd want to bother with writing to myself. And the answer is, I need a private journal because I need a place to think, to express myself, without fear of being judged, without risking your anger or scorn or pity or whatever. I don't have any place in the world where I can completely be myself (I don't have anyone in the world with whom I can completely be myself, but that's fodder for another entry). And I need someplace where it's okay to be "me"...whoever that may be at any given time. And now...naptime.
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