23:14:01 - 2000-12-13
The entry I should delete, but won't
( I've been having this problem a lot lately, and I'm having it again tonite--I have any number of things going through my mind, and I'm having a bitch of a time sorting them out!

So instead of trying to be all smart and funny and creative--a mission usually doomed to failure anyway--I'm going to move it along quickly as possible, and hope I can just bust through these little roadblocks in my head. )

Just finished listening to Bush's acceptance speech a short time ago, and Gore's concession speech before that. I don't really know why I bothered; I think I let the pundits persuade me somehow that something interesting might be said. The speeches were both fine, I thought, but nothing too interesting or unexpected; "We have to put politics aside and get together as a country" basically, a sentiment that will last maybe till Bush's swearing-in, when the partisan bloodbath will begin.

I'm not happy about the outcome of the election--I think Gore probably won Florida, in terms of people who went into the booth intending to vote for him, and I think a recount would have borne that out--but I'm not apoplectic about "Dubya". Unlike Mark F., who is painting him as the Antichrist, I see him more as Dan Quayle redux ( Though of course, Dan Quayle never actually got to BE president ). He just seems like a major-league lightweight ( Is that an oxymoron? "Major-league lightweight"? ). An empty suit. A dim bulb. A guy who should be a manager at McDonalds, MAYBE, not "The Leader of the Free World".

But hey, as a country we've gotten through a civil war, a depression, a couple world wars, and Ronald Reagan in the early stages of Alzheimers. I think the country will survive being led by a moron for the next four years.

I'm eating like there's no fucking tomorrow lately...

It occurred to me recently; I've commented on how I think I overeat out of sublimated sexual desire, but I can't ever recall having sex and thinking, "This is all right, but what I'd REALLY like are a couple of Pop Tarts...".

I eat like I imagine fat people eat, and then, as if by magic, I BECOME a fat person. If I only ate when I was hungry, I don't think there'd be any problem, but I eat to relieve stress, to relieve boredom, to relieve loneliness, to battle my fatigue, my sadness, my horniness, my negative self-image.

I've said before that eating and letting myself get fat is a fantastic way to punish myself; I get the pleasure of all that fat and sugar, the comfort of feeling "full", then the pain of feeling like I've been weak, I've let myself down, the embarrassment of having a body I wouldn't want anyone to see naked, and the knowledge that I--can't--do--it. I can't follow through on what I say I'm going to do and make it happen. It feels good, then it hurts. A little sweet, a little sour. Self-punishment for a lazy, self-indulgent coward. "Have another donut Jim, you fat fucking pig..."

( Hmmm...I was a little more angry at myself than I realized! )

Kevin e-mailed me today, asking me to delete something from a previous journal entry. I did, but I was very unhappy about it. Truth to tell, I still am. I think, to be quite honest, that I betrayed myself to mollify him.

( Shit...I'm mad at myself AGAIN! )

I could see where people might get confused, and think that since they're reading this that they have some SAY regarding what I choose to write about, but I don't have any COLLABORATORS here. And I'm not taking any more fucking REQUESTS!

So anyway, I emailed Kevin saying that I deleted the offending line, that I wasn't happy about it, and not to ask me to do it again, "Because the answer will be 'no'". Then he emails me back, thanking me for deleting the offending line even though I wasn't happy about it, says he's not going to read my journal anymore--he "prefers" to discover the wonder of me through our personal conversations and all that--and tells me he can't promise he won't ask me again to delete something, if he hears I've said something "private" or something that "pisses me off" or whatever. And I want to say, "Well, I guess you can ASK, as long as you understand the answer is ( Expletive deleted )"

Well, I guess it's the risk you take, doing this sort of thing...

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