10:45 am - Tue 1/29/02
Trying to work it out
For awhile now, I've had something that's "concerned" me that I haven't mentioned in here; Just about any time I crouch down at work, for any period of time, I get very lightheaded when I stand back up. I will have to "take a moment" and steady myself before going about my business.

It's not something I've talked to anyone about, because I know it's something that happens to a lot of people, and it's hard for me to know at what point it constitutes a real "issue".

Well, day before yesterday, I was just beginning the day at work. I was on the second floor, shelving a couple books in self help while talking to Devin, one of the "loss prevention" people.

I guess I was putting something on a bottom shelf. I finished, stood up...then started going down.

I know I was aware enough of what was happening that I tried to grab something, but my arms weren't WORKING right--they were just flopping around spastically--and Devin had to run over and hold me up. He led me to a seat and sat with me for a couple moments while I absorbed what had happened (I was pretty rattled for a moment there).

When I was back on my feet again, John O. came over and asked if I was okay, told me Devin could haul my bike in his truck if I wanted to go home, and when I said I thought I'd be okay, told me to "take it easy" (Which I tried to do).

I connect this to another thing that's started to happen; I sleep with my hands on my chest (Like a corpse--I'd just need a lilly and a pine box to complete the picture), and lately, I'll often wake up to find at least part of a hand and a couple of fingers "asleep".

I'll mention this to whichever doctor I see next--Azizi or Strom--and see what they make of it.

(I'm trying to remember now...Did I used to ask the "Magic 8-Ball" if I would make it TO 40, or if I would make it PAST 40? It's starting to seem like a pretty IMPORTANT distinction.)

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I've been chatting with Kevin for awhile now, in between writing this entry...

With the end of the "Corsica Chapter" of my life, I find myself thinking, casting about desperately, for solutions to my vehicular situation.

I've done some looking through local "used car" papers/magazines, and for the type of car I'm thinking about (Toyota Camrys, Honda Accords, and the like), you have to get into an early 90s vintage before getting to a price range I can even IMAGINE being able to handle (Under $5000).

And I don't have thousands of dollars to pay a private citizen up-front. Right now, I don't even have the money for a down-payment at a dealership (I've never bought a car at a dealership before).

After going past the Daewoo dealership on Wilshire every night after work, which advertises "cars starting at $3,999", I finally gave them a call. But when one of their salespeople got on the line and immediately tried to steer me towards a new car instead, and started pushing for me to make an appointment, I got scared off (I don't know WHY I didn't just say, "Listen, I work in RETAIL, okay? I can't AFFORD a new car. I probably can't afford your $3,999 car". I don't know much about buying cars, but I guess I know enough to know you don't look to a car salesman for sympathy or help with your financial plight).

I've wondered, if I put the money from the Corsica aside, and the tax rebate I assume I'm going to be getting, along with any other "extra monies" that might come my way--I know not from where--if I could scrape together enough of a down-payment to get, say, a 90-93 Honda Civic or Toyota Tercel, for a monthly payment of $100 or less (I've done no math on this, but for some reason, that's the figure in my head that's the limit of what I think I MAYBE could swing).

Something that's also popped back into my head over the past couple days is the idea of getting a moped.

There are pros (parking) and cons (extremely limited hauling ability) to the idea--I don't have time to get fully into it right now, because I have to leave for work shortly--but in the context of this entry, one big "pro" is that I could get a moped right NOW, and put it on a credit card (My limited exploration of the "moped option" indicates I could get a new moped for under $2000. For the same price, I'd be getting a used car from the late 80s).

It's so hard to know what to do. But I'm going to have to commit to doing SOMETHING (I actually found myself wondering yesterday, "If I just really RACED everywhere on my bike, could I make do?". But I think I could be Lance Armstrong, and that still wouldn't be a viable option for my situation).

And when the vehicular situation is in place, I need to start seriously looking at how I'm going to handle my working life out here. And more importantly than that, how I'm going to handle my ACTING life out here.

Yesterday it struck me--What I REALLY need to be doing is some kind of temp work, whether it's AppleOne or extra work or whatever.

The cafe thing at Borders indicates I really don't want to do waiter/food service type things. And with another job option I've considered--Security positions--Say, working a graveyard shift (To permit daytime auditioning for movies and such), I think I'd have a problem with the isolation of it, not to mention the scary possibility of actually having to SECURE something sometime (There's also the possibility of my earlier "trouble" making me ineligible for that kind of work).

And anything that has a set schedule would mean conflicts, "issues" with management, and the like.

One thing I was thinking is maybe going part-time at Borders, as perhaps an interim measure.

There will definitely be more on this later (You know how I know I'm on the right track here? Because when I was thinking about it yesterday before work, I felt so UPLIFTED that I practically SAILED through my work day yesterday).

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