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Tues 6.26.2012 - 11:12 pm

In "Bizarro World", I Don't Want Auditions, And My Personal Life Is Tremendously Interesting...

So the big trip is almost upon me...

It's only in the past day or two that I've thought of it in garden-variety "vacation" terms - "It'll be nice to get out of town, have a break from Weight Watchers, put acting concerns on the back burner, etc" - because it's so fraught with "meaning" that all my mental energy has been devoted to trying to "manage" it.

Though really, a lot of my anxiety - and there's always anxiety - has been more...pedestrian than I would have imagined, worrying about getting to the airport on time, worrying about managing my food/weight while away from my home base, worrying about being bored/being boring while I'm there, etc.

Things I've worried about every time I've gone on the occasional "vacation" over the past 11 years.

I think in a previous entry I suggested it might be a "protective" thing - worrying about this stuff is "easier" than confronting my real concerns - but now I'm not so sure that's it.

I think the truth is that this experience is so novel, I really can't quite figure out what to worry about.

Cause I don't know what to expect, or even know exactly what I want to have happen.

Though one thing emerged recently, when Tony told me that Mom (Still a little weird writing that) " getting excited about your visit"; that relieved a lot of my "free-floating anxiety", making me realize a big fear about meeting my Mother was that I might end up being "rejected"...again.


Weds 6/27/12 (11:33 pm)

As I was saying...

I realized recently that the big "anxiety" I've harbored around the trip to West Virginia was the fear that I would get hurt.

Specifically that I would feel rejected by my Mother's reaction to me.

I was thinking about this earlier, and something struck me - I've thought in terms of my mother having "rejected" me by, first, giving me up, then when I eventually contacted her as an adult, by not wanting to have continued contact with me (She wanted to leave things at our single exchange of letters, since her partner at that time didn't know about my existence).

But my mother didn't "reject" me as a child - My feeling rejected was a child's attempt to make sense of his world, to understand why he didn't have parents, why he didn't have a family the way other people had families.

As an adult, I understand now that, sometimes, bad things just happen to children, and it's really never their fault.

And sometimes parents want to take care of you, but they can't; because of the circumstances they're in, and maybe because they weren't "parented" themselves.

And as for her "rejecting" me when I tried to establish contact?

She wasn't rejecting me - how could she be? She didn't know me - but was rejecting dealing with the past.

And that's a desire I can understand.

Fri 6/29/12 (9:40 pm)

Well, I'm just about done preparing for Monday's trip, other than doing laundry and packing, maybe buying some WW snacks for the plane.

After some mental back-and-forth, I decided to take a shuttle van to LAX - It's only $20, which seems reasonable - and when I get back, my friend Pat has offered to pick me up (He was up for taking me to the airport, but he has a work commitment mid-morning that would make it kind of challenging).

So there's nothing left but the waiting...

It's been a strange time. I feel like I'm in "Bizarro World", where I don't want auditions, and because I've "booked out" for next week, I know I'm not going to have any auditions.

So I don't have the thing going on that's usually my driving interest, but instead, have something going on in my personal life that's more interesting than any audition or guest-star role.

It's weird.


Sat 6/30/12 (10:41 pm)

Have spent the evening watching tv. Feeling bored and lonely and...I wanted to say "aimless", but that's not quite right.

Anyway, feeling a general sense of dis-ease. Not sure why.

Still thinking about the trip, cause what else is there to think about?

(Well, actually I have a few other things I'm thinking about - My continued failure to get my weight back under control, and my return to Shameless come to mind - but "The Big Trip" is, I think understandably, front-and-center.)

There was a little bit of a misunderstanding /schedule confusion, when Tony left a message that Mom wanted to come over on Monday night to meet me (Ahead of the small family gathering that's been planned on the 4th).

That seemed odd, since I'm not arriving at the airport till 8:05 that evening, and it's an hour, hour-and-a-half from Dulles to Tony's place.

Turns out, Tony had gotten confused and thought I was coming on tomorrow - So we got that straightened out, and Mom is going to come over to meet me on Tuesday (As eager/anxious as I am for this meeting to happen, I don't think I'd want it happening at the end of what promises to be a long day. I have a feeling I'll want to be in possession of all my faculties for this historic occasion).

So, there's Weight Watchers tomorrow, then that's pretty much it - I basically just have to do laundry and pack.

I did end up giving myself one more little chore to do when I forgot my mp3 player at work today (which I think I'll want for the plane, if not for while in in WV); so I'm gong to drive to Weight Watchers tomorrow, so I can can swing by the Beverly location afterward to pick it up, and maybe stop at Target while I'm in the neighborhood.

(It's been crazy hot in WV, and I think I might be a little short on appropriate vacation-wear for "crazy hotness".)

I think I'm at the place where, if I forget something for the trip, it's not going to be a major something - I'm pretty sure I've attended to the things that needed attending to (Getting fills for my WW meetings, booking out with my representation, paying my rent ahead of time, etc).

At this point, there's not really anything between me and the trip but a day-and-a-half.

All anxiety about everything-I-can-think-to-be-anxious-about aside, this really should be a nice week - I'm going to do something I never imagined doing, and meet people who are excited about meeting me just because I'm me.

And really, I don't have to do anything but be myself...

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