Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

4:04 am - Saturday, Apr. 15, 2006
Five Years

Five Years

Last month was the five year anniversary of my coming out to L.A.

I didn't write about it at the time, because it was just too hard to sort out my mixed emotions on the subject (Basically, I'd bounce back and forth from a glass-half-full "Five years, and look how far I've come" to a glass half-empty "Five years, and look how far I have to go").

I am proud of myself, on one level--I'm not nearly a good enough writer to describe the depths of fear and loneliness I felt during those first weeks and months in L.A., but to have faced that without turning tail and running back to Lansing...well, like I said, I'm proud of myself.

And while there's a world of difference between those scary early days (When I was terrified every time I got on the freeway) and now, I am still "challenged", pretty much every day, on a level I would never have dreamed of back in Lansing.

And I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I don't like "challenges" (Mostly because in all my life, I've never successfully met one. Never). But this is my life, and this is the challenge I have to meet if I'm to be the person I'm supposed to be.

And five years later, I'm still in the game, still fighting, and against very steep odds, actually making progress.

Agonizingly slow progress, but progress nevertheless.

I'm nowhere near as far along as I wish I were, but I have worked as an actor, I've done work that's been seen around the world (I'm thinking of the "Incubus" video), I've successfully competed against people with way more experience and credits than I have, and I honestly believe (On my good days, anyway) that if I can keep body and soul together long enough, I have a shot at having an actual career.

And right there is the "progress" I tend to not recognize--What I'm doing now just didn't seem possible during all those years I was in Lansing; I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with the rejection, with the frustration, the loneliness, the financial strain, etc. and so on.

But here I am--Dealing.

I am strong enough.

It is possible.

And when the stakes are high enough, I can "rise to the challenge".


previous - next

4 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!