Mon 2.02.15 - 11:38 PM

As I often do, I'm starting this too late, and really not sure why I'm starting it at all...

I told Howard that, when I think about writing in here lately, I could save myself a lot of time, and just cut-and-paste something like this:

Acting still not happening...

The WW online coaching stuff, on the other hand, is happening, and I like doing it, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to do it, and am frustrated that the extra work is not going to be "extra" enough to make much of a difference.

The "acting thing" that did happen on Superbowl Sunday was that my first Shameless episode of the season aired.

This was the one I went to Chicago for, and as I said to Jane Z. on Facebook (When she commented on my "great entrance"), as I watched, I marveled over the fact that they paid me thousands of dollars more than normal - three shoot days, air fare, putting me up at a hotel, a per diem, travel pay, etc - basically for that reveal.

They cut a couple lines, and as usual, I was initially a little bummed about it, but then realized the cuts made sense - the lines that were cut didn't really provide more information (All you really need to know from me is that Frank's night started with getting drunk at the Alibi, then driving to Chinatown with me for dim sum).

I've only watched the scene once, so I haven't given myself the opportunity to obsess over it and what I might have done better.

So with that said, with a single viewing, I was pretty okay with it (which, as I remember it, was how I felt on the actual day); I never really have a big "acting task" in front of me when I do a Kermit scene, but in this case, I did have to emerge from a drunken sleep, and I thought it "played" pretty well.

So I enjoyed seeing the work, and thinking it was pretty good, but the past 24 hours have been disappointing for the relative lack of response (Which, really, is "par for the course" - Shameless isn't NCIS or Castle, in terms of a huge audience, so I usually get more response to the little "come-ons" I post before the episode airs than to the episodes themselves.

And my favorite tv/movie website, AV Club, reviews the show, but I've never been mentioned, and the reviewer actively dislikes the Frank scenes on the show, which are mostly where I figure in - Ouch! But anyway...).

Well, five weeks into the new year, the seemingly impossible has happened...

I have an audition.

(I received a text message notifying me about it while I was at work this morning.)

I don't know why I've been telling myself this - and a few others as well - but for awhile now, I've thought, "You're 'dying on the vine' because auditions aren't happening, but when you finally get the call, I bet your first reaction is going to be disappointment or annoyance - over the fact that it's a nothing role, or a show no one really gives a shit about (or that actively sucks), or because you'll have to scramble to get fills for work, something.

But tomorrow's audition is for a regional bank commercial, my "work commitment" was loose enough that I'm not having to scramble to get anyone to fill for me, and the role is pretty fun.

Of course, in terms of money, I wouldn't mind if it were a "national", but at this point, it's something - I just want to "get on the board" this year - and after what feels like a long time "in the wilderness", I'm just happy somebody wants to see me.

Another recent happy development, courtesy of WW (Not the personal coaching stuff, which is going fine - Had a session about three hours ago - but another thing) - In Tuesday's mail, I received a $250 check, my part of a class-action lawsuit.

Not a life-changing amount of money...but it certainly doesn't hurt.

(That just made me think of how some groups of former foster children are mounting class-action lawsuits against the foster-care system, because of the abuse they suffered during their time in care, and how my own time in foster care was probably way too long ago for that. But that's a subject for another time..)

As I went to bed last night, I was thinking about how I continually, desperately desire deliverance from all the stress and anxiety I feel over money, my acting career, etc; I'd love nothing better than to just be able to live and enjoy life.

Or at the very least, to be able to shift my worry to other things (I'd like to spend more time worrying about the whole mortality/"dying alone" thing).

But today's audition, the $250 check (Along with a couple small residual checks totaling about the same amount), the WW personal coaching stuff that's happening, etc., make me realize, 1) "Deliverance" is probably not happening, not in the "In one fell swoop, everything is now all right" way I desire, and 2) When I'm feeling down, it doesn't take that much to, if not "make things all better", to at least make me feel more hopeful.

Feeling like "everything's gonna be all right" would be nice, but in a pinch, I'll take "I'm gonna be able to keep going for awhile".

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