Fri 5.17.2013 - 12:03 pm

Another birthday come and gone...

Tried to "venture out of my comfort zone" this year, and actually ask some people to hang out with me on my birthday (Instead of just feeling bad for being alone).

It didn't work out initially - since I've spent the majority of the past year (The past number of years, actually) socializing with Howard, Nathaniel, and Pat, seemed to make sense to get them together for whatever-it-was-going-to-be, but that didn't happen, which was upsetting (Bringing out my more childish side) - but then Josh said he and Michelle would come out, and we ended up having late-evening pie at House of Pies, which put a nice ending on a day that had started out feeling fairly bad.

I've said it before, but sort of "lost sight of it" for awhile this year - I don't have family (Well, didn't have family for a long time), I don't have a lot of close friends, and frankly, I'm pretty bad at acknowledging other people's birthdays (If someone gets a card or call from me on their birthday, that's me trying really hard to "be a person"), which all means it's really pretty amazing that anyone acknowledges my birthday.

What I just wrote has gotten me to thinking, "Why don't I acknowledge other peoples' birthdays more?".

I don't want the whole entry to be taken-over by this, because there's something else I want to write about as well, so I'll just say the main "issue", I think, is that I have a hard time "threading the needle", between not feeling like a card is enough and having no idea what else to do (and typically, having pretty limited means to do something if I were to come up with "something else").

It's not "the whole picture", but that "making someone else's birthday all about me" ("I'm uncomfortable that I can't do enough for your birthday, so instead, I'll just pretend it's not happening and do nothing")does go a long way, I think, toward explaining why I'm kind of a dick in this regard.

But it's something I'm working on - "Jim, the people who know you know you have limited means, and it doesn't matter to them if you don't buy them a big "thing" for their birthday. They have people who will do a big thing with them, or buy a big thing for them. They are probably quite happy to just have you acknowledge it's their birthday. So don't be a dick just because you're embarrassed, or whatever's going on in your convoluted thinking. Try making it about someone else every so often".

It's like I don't read my own writing or something...

Right this very minute, it's not like I'm hurting for money or anything. Now it's more "emotional" - Without auditions, I feel like "nothing's happening", and I get bored, and feel like nothing means much, and that I don't mean much.

Yes, it's an overreaction to a temporary situation...but it's there.

But now I've gotta run - See the latest Star Trek movie with Howard.

More later...

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